The Fry Cook Games
written by Jay Lender, Dan Povenmire, and Merriwether Williams
typed by Aaron exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(scene opens up outside of the colossal Fast Food Coliseum; A Realistic Fish Head is reporting on the events happening)
Fish Head: Welcome, sports fans, to the 21st annual Bikini Bottom Fry Cook Games. (horns play a fanfare; the blue spotted fish runs into the stadium, holding a small torch; he runs up the stairs to a gigantic hamburger)
Blue Spotted Fish: I declare these Fry Cook Games... open! (a gust of wind blows by and puts out the flame on the torch; a "Please Stand By" screen appears; the horns blow again and the fish runs back into the stadium, this time shielding the torch with his hand and panting; he runs back up to the large hamburger stand) I declare these Fry Cook Games... open! (lights the gigantic hamburger, then his body spontaneously ignites)
Fish Head: So begin the 21st Fry Cook Games. (appears on screen) I'm A Realistic Fish Head, and it's a beautiful day here at Bikini Bottom's Fast Food Coliseum. (a clip of a woman tossing a large straw into a plastic cup that is just as big) They come from everywhere microwaves hum. (a clip of a woman throwing an uncooked patty onto a grill is shown) Patties sizzle. (a clip of a fish bouncing on top of a large cube of gelatin and landing on a mat is shown) And heat lamps keep the fast food spirit warm... and soggy. But the real story is the bitter rivalry between former competitors Mr. Krabs of the Krusty Krab and Plankton of the Chum Bucket. (pictures of each appear; a clip of Mr. Krabs lifting up two barrels of pickles is shown) Who could forget the year Mr. Krabs won gold for this five hundred pickle clean-and-jerk? (Mr. Krabs is shown on a podium on the number one step, while Plankton is below him on the second) Not Plankton. (Plankton sprays Mr. Krabs with a hose; a clip of Plankton flipping around while hanging onto two onion rings is shown) Or when Plankton won the hearts of millions by performing this perfect onion ring routine... with a broken antenna? (a cast is around Plankton's left antenna; Plankton is shown in the number one spot on the podium this time, with Mr. Krabs below him) Krabs wasn't moved. (Mr. Krabs blows Plankton off the podium) And now, late word is that this year, the Krusty Krab will be represented by a new competitor, on what is perhaps the greatest day of his young life. (a picture of a shadowy figure of a body with a question mark over it appears; the figure turns around and is revealed to be Spongebob, wearing a sweatband and sports uniform; he is standing next to Mr. Krabs, who is sitting on a bench staring at a stopwatch)
Spongebob: This is perhaps the greatest day of my young life, Mr. Krabs. (starts jogging in place) I can't believe I'm representing the Krusty Krab in the Fry Cook Games. (a spotlight shines down on him and he puts his hand on his heart) To bring home the gold is to bring honor and glory to the Krusty Krab.
Mr. Krabs: And all that free publicity will bring in customers! So don't lose! (walks off)
Spongebob: Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs! (starts doing pushups) Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! (Patrick walks up)
Patrick: Hey Spongebob.
Spongebob: (stops) Hi Patrick. (continues doing pushups) Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! (starts groaning)
Patrick: Are you trying to move the ground? You'll never move it like that. You gotta get under... (rips the piece of grass out from under Spongebob, flipping him over) ...neath it!
Spongebob: Come on, Patrick, I'm trying to train for the games.
Patrick: (gleefully) Games? Can I play?
Spongebob: Ah, sorry Patrick. (starts jumping rope) You have to be a fry cook.
Patrick: Be a fry cook? Is that all I gotta do? That'll be easy!
Spongebob: (a bit peeved; tosses his jump rope behind him) What do you mean easy?
Patrick: (laughs) How hard can it be?
Spongebob: They don't let just anybody be a fry cook. We're an elite corp!
Patrick: Oh, come on. You're just flippin' patties.
Spongebob: Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds!
Patrick: (flips an oblong rock over with his foot) Tssss....
Spongebob: Why don't you go home Patrick? You can compete in the Laying Under a Rock All Day Games.
Patrick: (gasps) Well, at least I don't polish my fingernails.
Spongebob: (gasps and points at Patrick) You take that back! (his index finger gleams)
Patrick: (dances around) Fingernails! Fingernails! Fingernails!
Spongebob: You don't even have fingernails.
Patrick: I cannot believe what I am hearing!
Spongebob: How can you hear it?! You don't have ears either!
Patrick: (stutters) Holes! Holes!
Spongebob: Cone head!
Patrick: Yellow!
Spongebob: Pink!
Patrick: (screams and holds his head) I'm gonna get a job as a fry cook and it'll be easy! (walks off)
Spongebob: Fine! (growls; starts doing pushups again, this time faster) Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab!
Mr. Krabs: (sniffs) What's that smell in the air? I smell Plankton! (camera zooms over to Plankton, who is standing in the entranceway of the stadium)
Plankton: (pulls out a human nose from behind him) Oh yeah?! Well I smell... (sniffs himself) Pew! He's right. (Mr. Krabs runs over, his feet twinkling; Plankton does the same; Mr. Krabs makes a Broadway pose as appropriate music plays; Plankton makes a similar pose, holding a top hat and a cane; Mr. Krabs taps away on a grand piano; Plankton blows into a tuba, thus disrupting the number) I love messing things up. (meets up with Mr. Krabs; gets on a small platform and pulls a level which elevates it to Mr. Krabs' height) Are you ready to do or die, Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Always ready, Plankton. Always ready.
Plankton: Good. Because today, the Chum Bucket is going to kick... (raises his arm and accidentally whacks the lever, causing him to lower again; rises back up) ...your carapace!
Mr. Krabs: That's what you think, but I got me a champion. Spongebob! Show him! (Spongebob does a karate routine, using two spatulas as nunchucks, then laughs innocently when he finishes) Look at him. In his prime. You ain't got no chance!
Plankton: That's where you're wrong, Krabs, for I too have a champion. (lowers a microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, turn your attention to the southwest corridor! (the crowd turns to the southeast corridor) Other way! Imbeciles. (the crowd turns in the correct direction) And... stop! Perfect. (in the entranceway, an extremely large shadow approaches, making loud stomps on the way) Representing the Chum Bucket, a creature so fearsome, so terrible, so mind-bendingly large, that those of you with weak constitutions may want to leave the stadium. (two parents cover up their child's eyes, and in turn, he covers theirs; Mr. Krabs' eyes sink into his shell; a muscular fish sits, trembling in the audience; he quickly gets up to leave)
Muscular Fish: I gotta get outta here!
Plankton: Too late! Ready or not, here he comes. Quake with fear, you mortal fools. Bow down before the awesome might of... (the wall of the stadium explodes; fish fly everywhere; when the dust clears up, a huge, purple muscular fish is seen) ...this huge guy who is carrying the real contestant... (the huge fish turns around, revealing Patrick to be strapped to his back) ...Patrick Star! (Patrick waves; Spongebob stares in shock; he walks up as Patrick gets down from the huge fish's back)
Spongebob: Patrick, what are you doing here? You're not a fry cook.
Patrick: Oh, yes I am, Mr. Spongebob Superior Pants. (lifts up his tank top) Check it out! (a name tag is stuck to his chest that reads "The Chum Bucket, Patrick") I've been working for the Chum Bucket for almost five minutes.
Spongebob: Well it doesn't matter anyway 'cause you're gonna eat my dust.
Patrick: Nuh-uh. I'm eating my own dust.
Spongebob: Not if I eat it first.
Patrick: Yellow!
Spongebob: Pink! (the two walk off) I can't believe it, Mr. Krabs. I thought Patrick was my friend.
Mr. Krabs: Friend? Not in here he ain't.
Spongebob: What do you mean?
Plankton: (a few feet away, talking to Patrick) He's not really your friend.
Patrick: He's not?
Plankton: He's plotting your downfall right now!
Spongebob: He is?
Mr. Krabs: He's gonna stab you in the back.
Patrick: He wouldn't!
Plankton: Of course he would. Just look at him. Square: the shape of evil!
Mr. Krabs: He's making a mockery of your profession. Are we gonna let some pretender take away what belongs to the Krusty Krab?
Spongebob: No!
Plankton: Then get mean!
Patrick: I'm mean!
Mr. Krabs: Get angry!
Spongebob: I'm angry!
Plankton: Now get out there!
Mr. Krabs: And win...
Plankton: That...
Mr. Krabs: Medal!
Patrick: AHHHHH!!!!
Spongebob: AHHHHH!!!
Both: AHHHHH!!!
Huge Fish (who carried Patrick): (like a wuss) Ahhhhhhhh.
(cuts to the first event)
Fish Head: Our first event, the deep fry pole vault. (a deep fryer labeled "Fry King" sits in front of two high poles; Spongebob stands in front of Mr. Krabs, holding a long pole)
Mr. Krabs: Win this one for the Krusty Krab.
Spongebob: (charges at the poles) For the Krusty Krab!!! (flips over the poles and the deep fry and splats down on the circle drawn in the ground; the crowd gasps; Spongebob forms a number one sign and the crowd cheers)
Plankton: (standing on the elevating platform, behind Patrick, who is also holding a pole) Win this on because I told you too.
Patrick: (charges at the poles) Because you told me too!!! (flips over the poles but lands on the handle of the deep fryer, flinging it at the crowd and turning them into fish sticks; Vendor walks up and turns on a heat lamp)
Vendor: Fish sticks! Get your fish sticks here!
(cuts to the second event; Spongebob and Patrick are standing in front of a tall ladder that leads to a diving board, perched above a bowl of chocolate syrup)
Fish Head: The next event: the chocolate high dive.
Spongebob: Make way for the real fry cook, Patrick. (climbs up the ladder)
Fish Head: For his dive, Spongebob will be attempting a full banana fudge pop with two sticks. (Spongebob holds up two popsicle sticks and sticks them into the top of his head) And now, absolute silence. (the crowd stops chattering)
Spongebob: (jumps off the diving board) I scream for ice cream!!! (flips around a couple times, then hurtles toward the bowl; he lands in the chocolate syrup getting coated in it, then hops out of it and into a sandbox full of toasted almonds)
Fish Head: Perfect entry! And toasted almonds? That's unexpected. (Spongebob lands in the circle) He stuck it! (Spongebob turns around toward the camera and grins) And just look at that even coating.
Spongebob: ("walks" upside-down past Patrick, using the popsicle sticks for legs) Top that, Pinky.
Plankton: (rolls up) Almonds? Curse him, that's good. But perhaps a bit too highbrow for this crowd. He thinks he's better than them! (Patrick groans) Better than you! Patrick groans louder) Now get up there and show him how the common man prepares his frozen dairy treats! Patrick screams; hops up onto the diving board with the lower half of his body inside an ice cream cone)
Fish Head: Patrick will be resurrecting an old favorite. The single scoop strawberry cone with a chocolate dip. (Patrick slowly leans off the edge until he falls off the diving board) Just look at that concentration. (Patrick splashes into the bowl, with chocolate syrup flying everywhere) Ooh, a little shaky on that entrance. (a live action strawberry cone with a chocolate dip is shown) But just look at that form!
Patrick: (hops up to Spongebob) Take that, yellow boy.
Spongebob: Laugh while you can, Pinky. It's not over yet.
Patrick: That's what you think, but it's not over yet.
(a montage of highlights from the games begins; Spongebob tosses a patty; Patrick skates on a large grill with butter on his feet; Patrick tosses a large bottle of ketchup up in the air; Spongebob and Patrick race on a track carrying trays full of food; the two fly up in the air on two large spatulas; both do a dance wearing colorful outfits and fruit hats; the montage ends; now, a large arena on top of a hamburger is on screen; A Realistic Fish Head is still reporting)
Fish Head: It's not over yet! With the score tied, we go to our final event! Bun wrestling. Who will take home the gold? Mr. Krabs of the Krusty Krab?
Mr. Krabs: (massaging Spongebob's shoulders) Don't forget: he called ye yellow. (Spongebob picks up a metal chain and bites off and chews up the middle of it; he bares his teeth, revealing the metal chain to now be attached to them like braces)
Fish Head: Or Plankton of the Chum Bucket?
Plankton: (standing behind Patrick) Don't forget: he called you pink! (hops away)
Patrick: (growls; picks up a lemon, rips it in half, and puts both halves into each of his eyes) AHHHHH!!! (the bell rings; Spongebob tears off his blue robe, showing off his extremely large, muscular body; Patrick rips off his own green robe, underneath which he is wearing a business suit; he tears off the business suit, revealing his body to be just as muscular as Spongebob's; the two dive at each other, screaming, until they collide; they wrestle and continue to wind up in twisted positions; they spin around and wind up wrestling with themselves; they realize this, and dive back at each other; Patrick sits on top of Spongebob, holding his foot) Forget the Chum Bucket. This is personal. (takes off Spongebob's shoe and licks his foot slowly; Spongebob screams in agony; the two wrestle again; Spongebob sits on Patrick's chest and lifts up a pencil with the eraser side pointing toward the starfish; he slowly brings it down to his name tag and erases the "Pat" in "Patrick") AHHHHH!!! My name's... not... RICK!!!! (tackles Spongebob and the two wrestle again)
Spongebob: I don't like you!
Patrick: I don't like you more!
Spongebob: I never liked you!
Patrick: I a thousand times never liked you!
Spongebob: Pink!
Patrick: Yellow! (the two struggle to push each other until both of their pants rip and fall down; Patrick's underwear are yellow, whereas Spongebob's are pink)
Spongebob: Yellow?
Patrick: Pink? (their eyes start to tear up)
Both: You do care! (start crying and hug each other)
Spongebob: Let's promise never to fight again, buddy.
Patrick: Yeah, pal. Let's go home. (they walk off whistling and holding hands; the crowd boos)
Mr. Krabs: (runs up) Hey! Where ya going?
Plankton: (runs up next to Mr. Krabs) Get back here and kill each other!
Patrick: (exiting the stadium, along with Spongebob) You're my best friend ever.
Spongebob: You too, Patrick.
Patrick: You know, these were white when I bought 'em.