The Camping Episode
written by Jay Lender, Sam Henderson, and Merriwether Williams
typed by Sarah exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

Squidward: (enters his bedroom with nightgown, book, and cup of tea) Ahh, finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend. (gestures to "Dance Quarterly" calendar on wall) This is the weekend that Spongebob and Patrick go camping. Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back? (thought bubble appears over Squidward)
Spongebob: (in Squidward's thoughts, walking along with Patrick, both have camping gear strapped to their backs) Patrick, I'm scared! (thought bubble disappears)
Squidward: Ho-ho, that would be great! (jumps into bed) You've waited a long time for this! A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no.... (laughs just like Spongebob and imitates his goofy, big-eyed face) da-a-a-a-a, da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! (hears Spongebob's real laugh outside) What the....? (goes outside to find Spongebob and Patrick in a tent, complete with sleeping bags and books, the two are laughing) Spongebob! Aren't you two supposed to be camping?
Spongebob: We are camping.
Squidward: Spongebob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house. (camera zooms out to show tent's location)
Spongebob: Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us?
Squidward: No.
Spongebob: Okay. Have fun inside. (Squidward leaves; Spongebob and Patrick pull their book back out, along with a flashlight, and begin to read and giggle)
Squidward: (pops back into tent, glaring) What do you mean, "have fun inside"?
Spongebob: Just.... have fun inside! See you tomorrow.
Squidward: Oh. Bye. (exits; Spongebob and Patrick resume reading; Squidward enters tent again and gasps) You little sneak! I see what you're doing!
Spongebob: What?
Squidward: Don't think I can't see what you're doing!
Spongebob: What?
Squidward: You're saying I can't take it!
Spongebob: But all I....
Squidward: (holds up tentacle) Aah. You're saying I'm soft! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is never gonna happen! There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers! So, get used to it! (exits tent)
Spongebob: Okay. Have fun inside.
Squidward: (pokes head back into tent, blowing Spongebob and Patrick back with his loud voice) That's it! I'm in! I'll show you camping! (runs into his house)
Spongebob: (to Patrick) Squidward's gonna come camping with us! (both climb out of tent and giggle)
Squidward: (emerges with large camping backpack) Now you'll see how a real.... ugh! (falls face forward on the ground, squished by the immense backpack) ....outdoorsman does it! (climbs out from underneath; pulls pouch from backpack) Here we are, my remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn. (Spongebob takes out binoculars, Patrick a notepad and a pair of half-moon glasses; Squidward tosses pouch into the air and presses the remote, but the power fizzles and the tent appears, unassembled in a pile on the ground)
Spongebob: That was great, Squidward, but how do you get inside?
Patrick: Yeah, it's all crushy-looking.
Squidward: It isn't put up yet, you idiots! (grumbles, picking up the tent and fiddling around with it)
Spongebob: (still acting like he and Patrick are taking notes) Customization!
Patrick: Genius!
(Squidward beats on the tent with a wooden stake)
Spongebob: He's tenderizing the ground!
Patrick: Of course!
(Squidward is still struggling with the tent)
Spongebob: Write that down, write that down! (Patrick still appears to be taking notes, but there is just a tic-tac-toe game in progress on his notepad)
Squidward: (gives the pile a huge kick; it automatically becomes an assembled tent) Huh? Voila! (the perfect tent collapses to pile form again; Squidward pushes it out of the way) But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? (takes a lone blanket and places it on the ground; Spongebob and Patrick applaud vigorously) Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right?
Spongebob: (laughs) Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows. (pulls out "Marsh King" bag and pops a marshmallow into his mouth) Mmm.... just like the astronauts eat.
Patrick: (has round fishbowl over his head like the helmet of an astronaut suit; imitates static noise) Patrick to Spongebob. Patrick to Spongebob. Do you read me? Over.
Spongebob: (also has "helmet"; imitates static noise) Spongebob to Patrick. I read you. Over.
Patrick: (static) Patrick to Spongebob. I like going (static). Over.
Spongebob: (static) Spongebob to Patrick. (static) Me too.
Patrick: (static)
Spongebob: (static)
(the two repeat noises, Squidward looks immensely annoyed)
Spongebob: (static) Spongebob to Patrick. Help yourself. Over. (holds out Marsh King bag)
Patrick: Yummy! (takes marshmallow and crams it into his mouth, smashing his "helmet") Patrick to Spongebob. The deliciousness has landed!
Squidward: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows, but I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls (holds up can so we can read its label), just as soon as I can get my can opener.
Spongebob: But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?
Squidward: Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.
Spongebob: But this is the wilderness! It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit.
Patrick: Pretty weenie....
Squidward: All right, all right, gimme a marshmallow.
(Squidward begins toasting his marshmallow lightly. Patrick, sitting across from him, sets his on fire and tries to blow on it to cool it down, but the marshmallow flies off and hits Squidward in the face. Patrick gets another marshmallow and repeats the same thing twice. After two marshmallows to the face, Squidward ducks, but the third marshmallow has a boomerang effect and hits Squidward in the back of the head.)
Squidward: Okay. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?
Spongebob: Well, after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song. I call this one "The Campfire Song Song".
Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song,
Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song,
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong,
But it'll help if you just sing along....
Patrick: Bum bum bum....
Spongebob and Patrick: (Patrick slightly behind Spongebob in the words) C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong,
But it'll help if you just sing along....
C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
Patrick: SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E....
Spongebob: Squidward! (Squidward is silent) Good! It'll help.... it'll help.... if you just sing along! (Spongebob smashes his ukelele like a guitar at the end of a rock show; Patrick does the same with his drum set; Spongebob screams) Oh yeah!!
Ahh, now, wasn't that relaxing?
Squidward: No! This is relaxing. (holds up clarinet and begins badly playing "Kumbaya"; Spongebob and Patrick look alarmed)
Spongebob: Oh no! I'll save you, Squidward! (picks up marshmallow and slingshots it at Squidward; it goes up his clarinet and sticks in the back of his throat; Spongebob comes over to assist him) Squidward, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better?
Squidward: BETTER?! I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!
Spongebob: But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract.... a sea bear.
Squidward: (in a low, cautious tone) A sea bear? You mean like the ones that.... DON'T EXIST?!
Spongebob: What are you saying?
Squidward: There's no such thing! They're just a myth.
Spongebob: Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real. It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer. (holds up cheesy tabloid newspaper)
Squidward: (reads cover story) "I Married a Sea Bear"?
Patrick: Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly!
Squidward: (reads) "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!
Spongebob: Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin...
Squidward: You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?
Spongebob: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
Squidward: Okay. Then what?
Spongebob: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.
Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.
Squidward: You're kidding.
Spongebob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
Patrick: Yeah.
Squidward: Go on.
Spongebob: Don't ever eat cheese.
Squidward: Sliced or cubed?
Spongebob: (whispers with Patrick) Cubed. Sliced is fine.
Squidward: Yeah, yeah, and?
Spongebob: Never wear a sombrero....
Patrick: a goofy fashion!
Spongebob: Or clown shoes.
Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.
Spongebob: And never....
Patrick: Ever....
Spongebob: Ever....
Patrick: Duh!
Spongebob and Patrick: ....screech like a chimpanzee!
Squidward: Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off!
Spongebob and Patrick: (huddling together, shuddering) They're horrible!
Squidward: And.... and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger.
Spongebob and Patrick: Why?
Squidward: I don't know.... (runs off and returns with a flashlight, clown shoes, hoop skirt, sombrero, and tray full of cubed cheese; a diabolical look is on his face) Just a feeling!
Spongebob: (horrified) No.
Squidward: Yes.
Spongebob: No.
(Squidward begins making chimp noises)
Spongebob and Patrick: Squidward, please don't!
(Squidward continues hooting, stomping, and waving flashlight around)
Patrick: Spongebob, what are we gonna do? A sea bear's sure to come and eat us!
Spongebob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll draw us an anti-sea-bear circle in the dirt. (takes stick and draws circle around himself and Patrick)
Patrick: Good thinking! All the experts say it's the only defense against a sea bear attack.
Squidward: (laughing) You guys are so gullible. See? I did everything that attracts a sea bear, and nothing happened. If sea bears really exist, why didn't one show up?
Spongebob: Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.
Squidward: Oh, pfft. Sorry, how silly of me! You mean like this? (Squidward tilts his sombrero to the right, laughing, but something off-screen takes the hat and turns it upside-down instead)
Spongebob: No. Like that.
(camera zooms out to show the sea bear that inverted Squidward's sombrero; it looks like a giant fish with the head of a bear and claws on its fins; it begins to maul [off-camera] the screaming Squidward while Spongebob and Patrick are still huddled inside their anti-sea-bear circle)
Spongebob: Squidward, are you okay?
Squidward: (looking bruised and battered) No.
Spongebob: Quick! Jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back!
Patrick: Yeah. Sea bears often attack more than once.
Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster. I'm running for my life!
Spongebob and Patrick: No!!
(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
Spongebob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that!
Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
Spongebob and Patrick: No!!
(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
Spongebob: They hate limping more than running!
Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have....
(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
Spongebob: I should have warned you about crawling.
(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
Squidward: What'd I do that time?
Spongebob: I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you.
Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!
Spongebob: Here, draw a circle. (tosses Squidward the stick)
Squidward: Okay.
(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
Spongebob: That was an oval. It has to be a circle!
Squidward: (runs and climbs on top of Spongebob and Patrick, who are still sitting in the circle) Move over! (the sea bear comes up to the circle, sniffs it, points a threatening claw at Squidward, and leaves) Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! (everyone cheers "hooray")
Spongebob: Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros!
Squidward: What attracts them?
Patrick: The sound of a sea bear attack.
(a modified rhinoceros with fins appears, snorting)
Spongebob: Heh. Good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments, heh heh. Right, Squidward?
Squidward: Huh?