Squirrel Jokes
written by Paul Tibbitt, Walt Dohrn, and Merriwether Williams
typed by Shadowstar

(it's a big night for the Krusty Krab apparently, with search lights and cars in the lot. Inside, we see that everything has been set up for the Komedy Krab show)
Krabs: Okay, everybody settle down. (Krabs is dimmed on stage) Welcome... (the lights go on and we see Krabs with a clown nose and a suit) to the Komedy Krab! (he puts that arrow-through-the-head thing on his two eyes, the audience laughs as well as Krabs) Now please give a warm welcome to our first comic, the indiscernible Doogy Williams! (Krabs walks out and a clown-looking guy comes out from the curtain)
Williams: Good evening, folks. I'm going to skip the jokes and get right to the part where I throw pies at you. (a cart of pies comes from the side. The audience pulls out umbrellas. From behind the curtain, Spongebob anticipates his turn. He opens the curtain a bit and we hear pies splotching. He turns around, revealing there's a line of pie cream on his face from the curtain opening. He laughs)
Spongebob: I hope I do as good as that guy.
Williams: Man, those people will laugh at anything. Hey, don't sweat it kid. I got them all warmed up for you. (audience is still laughing)
Krabs: (off-screen) Put your fins together for Spongebob Squarepants! (Sponge walks out wearing his bow tie.)
Sandy: (off-screen) Go get 'em, Spongebob! (we see Sandy and Pat at a table)
Patrick: Wooo! (Sponge flashes them the thumbs-up)
Spongebob: Hey, hey, hey, ladies and jellyfish, have you ever noticed salt shakers? I mean, you fill them up every night at closing, and I mean, where does it all go? Huh? You know what I mean? (the audience is silent. A cricket is heard chirping. Zoom in on that live-action cricket. Sponge starts to get nervous) And… tomatoes. What's the deal on those things? (chuckles weakly. The audience is even more silent) I mean, you chop them up into slices, but… (the cricket isn't even going to bother to chirp for this one) What are they, vegetables or… fruit? And what does that make ketchup? (Sponge is sweating excessively)
Fish: Oh brother, this guy stinks!
Sarcastic Fish: Hey, hey funny guy! I got a joke for you! What smells rotten and puts people to sleep?
Spongebob: Uh, noxious gas?
Sarcastic Fish: No! Your act! (everyone laughs)
Spongebob: Did you ever notice how…uh, (he looks in the audience to find something to heckle about. He notices a fork) Forks, uh…
Fish: Forks?! Come on! (the audience boos)
Spongebob: (thinking) Quick, Spongebob, make a witty observation! (he looks around and then looks at Sandy's teeth) Did you ever notice how big squirrels' front teeth are? (the crowd starts to chuckle)
Sandy: Huh?
Spongebob: I mean, hey, you could land a plane on those things. (the crowd chuckles louder) And what's up with all that squirrel fur? I guess fleas need a home too. (the crowd is now in an uproar)
Patrick: (laughing) Squirrel fur!
Spongebob: And they smell! But hey, you'd stink too if you spent three months buried in dirt! (the crowd laughs, Sandy grins nervously, Sponge laughs) Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb?
Sarcastic Fish: Why?
Spongebob: Because they're so darn stupid! (the crowd laughs some more)
Patrick: (guffaws) That's a good one, huh, Sandy?
Sandy: Uh, y-yeah… (pretends to laugh. Sponge walks back behind the curtain and Krabs sees him)
Krabs: That was fantastic boy. You really knocked them out! I think I'll do this joke night thing again with you as the headliner!
Spongebob: I never thought I could be a headliner! Whatever that is.
Krabs: The headliner's the one who cleans up after the show. (holds up a mop. Sponge takes it)
Spongebob: At least I don't have to clean up my act! (rimshot, Sponge laughs)
Krabs: Stick with the squirrel jokes, boy. Now get busy. (walks off, Sponge starts to mop)
Spongebob: Mops, mops, mops, what's up with those things? I mean, really. (he runs into Sandy) Oh hey, Sandy!
Sandy: Howdy, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Did you enjoy the show?
Sandy: Well… a-actually Spongebob, no. Those jokes are hurtful and you know it.
Spongebob: Come on Sandy, I was just joking. I mean, everybody knows that you're the smartest one in Bikini Bottom.
Sandy: Well, I can't argue with that.
Spongebob: We all gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while. I do it all the time! (holds up a mirror and laughs excessively into it, Sandy chuckles)
Sandy: You're right, Spongebob. I was being a little too sensitive. (the two hug) No hard feelings. (later, Sandy does some shopping at the Barg-N-Mart.) Okay, deodorant. Huh, let's see. Roll-on or stick? (a couple walks by)
Husband: I think she should buy both. (they both laugh)
Sandy: Huh?
Scooter: (off-screen) Hey look guys! (it's three fish, the one speaking is Scooter, the surfing dude) It's the stupid squirrel!
Fish: I know, let's try to communicate with it!
All Fish: Duh!… (they walk off laughing)
Sandy: Hmph… (throws the deodorant into the cart and rolls along. She encounters a little kid) Hello, little critter! What's your name! (the kid is pulled back by his mother)
Mother: Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You'll catch its stupid. (they walk off)
Kid: Okay, Mom.
Sandy: Stupidity isn't a virus, but it sure is spreading like one. (cut to night, where there's an encore presentation of the Komedy Krab. As the crowd cheers, Sponge sits at his vanity preparing for his act. Sandy walks in) Hey, uh, Spongebob?
Spongebob: Oh, hey Sandy.
Sandy: Um, I need to talk to you about them squirrel jokes.
Spongebob: We already talked about that, remember? (he looks in the vanity mirror and starts laughing excessively again)
Sandy: Spongebob, this is serious. Since you've been telling them jokes, people have been treating me different. (Pat comes backstage)
Patrick: Spongebob, five minutes. (notices Sandy, and talks slower) Hel-lo, Sandy. Me Patrick. Do you un-der-stand? (Sandy looks peeved) Squirrels. (walks off)
Sandy: Y-y-you see? That's what I'm talking about!
Spongebob: Ah, that's just Patrick. He's just fooling around.
Sandy: I'm just asking you as a friend, please lay off them squirrel jokes, OK? Tell some of them other jokes you got.
Spongebob: (nervously) Other jokes? (he imagines the fork) Uh… I got a million of them.
Sandy: (hugs Sponge) Thanks Spongebob, I knew you'd understand. (walks back into the crowd cheering for him)
Krabs: Put your fins together for Spongebob Squarepants! (Spongebob walks out)
Spongebob: Uh, hi. (chuckles nervously) Uh, did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish. (the crowd mumbles in confusion) I guess you heard that one.
Sandy: I haven't heard it! Good one, Spongebob!
Spongebob: (flatly) Thank you, you're too kind. Hey, what about this water! I mean, the stuff's everywhere.
Patrick: Tell the one about the squirrel and the light bulbs!
Spongebob: Uh, hey, what about this thing! (pulls out a big rubber chicken) Huh?
Fish: Get on with the squirrel jokes! (the crowd starts chanting, "Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes!")
Spongebob: (thinking) What do I do? Who do I do? Spongebob, you've got a choice to make: (looks at Sandy) your friends… (looks at microphone) or your career. (Sponge drops the microphone and everyone gasps. He walks back behind the curtain. The crowd watches breathlessly. Just then, Sponge jumps back out with a goofy grin and false squirrel buck teeth) Howdy, y'all! (the crowd is uproarious) How come it takes more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb?
Everyone: Because they're so darn stupid! (they all cheer, Sponge walks in circles and honks a bike horn laughing)
Spongebob: My people! (Sandy frowns) But seriously folks, I want to give a special thanks to my friend, Sandy. (the spotlight hits Sandy. Two women giggle around her) Sandy, don't you see? The crowd loves these jokes! Am I right? (the crowd cheers) Don't you see, Sandy? We're laughing WITH you, not at you! Do you understand now, Sandy? Huh, do you?
Sandy: I understand exactly what's going on, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Great. I knew sooner or later you'd get it. What a great sport. Let's give a big hand for Sandy! But clap slow because remember: she's a squirrel! (the crowd has turned basically into a mob as Sponge gives his farewell and walks backstage to his vanity) Ah… another spectacular performance, Spongebob. (notices a note on the frame of the mirror) Oh, what's this, a fan letter? (reads it, the words are spoken in Sandy's voice)
Sandy: (written in letter) You were right Spongebob! Those jokes are funny! Come on over to the treedome tomorrow and celebrate, Sandy.
Spongebob: You did it Spongebob. You get to keep your career and your friends. (cut to Sponge with his water helmet on walking to Sandy's house with flowers. He walks in the foyer where the water is emptied) I'm glad that Sandy can finally see the genius of my comedy. (the door is opened) Good morning, Sandy. (Sponge is shocked to see Sandy's new look: she's like a bumpkin. A one spike haircut, a big gap between her even longer buck teeth, a lump in her throat, overalls held together by one strap, flies around her, etc…)
Sandy: (Southern accent) Well, hooooowww-dee!
Spongebob: Sandy, are you feeling all right?
Sandy: I'm just being my own au-naturally squirrelly self! (she licks the gum between her two front teeth. Sponge laughs nervously) Well come on in! Y'all must be tired from telling them funny jokes all the time. Why don't you take a load off! (pushes him back onto a log. Sponge is stuck on it)
Spongebob: Uh, Sandy, I think something's wrong with this seat.
Sandy: Naw… (holds up glue and brush) I just done put glue on it so you wouldn't fall off. (gasps) Are them flowers for me? You even done got me a vase! (she takes Sponge's water helmet)
Spongebob: But Sandy, that, that's not a… (Sandy places the flowers in the water helmet)
Sandy: (guffaws) Ain't that purdy? (Sponge is a bit dried up)
Spongebob: (dried-up, in a raspy voice) Sandy, I need wa-
Sandy: Oh, that's right. You's a sea critter! Now what was that thing that sea critters need? Um… uh, let's see… uh, (the lump in her throat vibrates) Sea critters need… uh…
Spongebob: Wa… (Sandy shuts Sponge's mouth)
Sandy: Oh wait, don't tell me. I know this one!
Spongebob: Wa…
Sandy: Wallet? Watch? Waffles?
Spongebob: Sandy! Water!
Sandy: Well, why didn't you just say so! (shoves a hose in Sponge's mouth, then walks over to a pump) Yup, us squirrels sure is stupid. (she turns on the pipe, Sponge takes in so much water, he just gets larger and larger) Dumb, dumb, dumb, squirrels is dumb.
Spongebob: (gurgling) Okay Sandy, I get it!
Sandy: What's that? You want more? (she walks over to another pump, which takes in water from the outside) Okey-dokey! More water for the sea critter! (Sponge is now getting exaggeratingly huge)
Spongebob: Okay, Sandy, Okay! I get it! (Sponge is now filling up the entire treedome) No more squirrel jokes… (cut to the Komedy Krab once again. The crowd is cheering for Sponge and he comes out with a couple of bandages) Thank you, thank you very much. On my way over here, I ran into a squirrel. (looks over at Sandy) And I said, "Hey, why don't you go get a couple of squirrel friends and we'll go change a light bulb." (the crowd laughs) But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel is a sponge! (no crowd response) I mean, we're so dumb, we don't even have a vertebrae! (twists himself up) Look at me! I got no bones! (the crowd starts to laugh, including Krabs in the back) Crabs, oh brother. They're so cheap, they can't even pay attention! (after a pause, Krabs laughs)
Krabs: It's true, I am cheap!
Spongebob: Now let me tell you about those fish? Boy are they smelly. Whoo-oh! I mean how can a creature that spends so much time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really! (imitates a fish and speaks in a monotone) Soap… soap… what is soap? (the crowd is in an uproar. Sponge turns to Sandy and gives her a thumbs-up. Sandy gives him one back. Cut to outside the Krusty Krab) (off-screen) And don't even get me started on starfish…