Spongebob Meets the Strangler
written by Paul Tibbitt, Kent Osborne, C.H. Greenblatt, and Merriwether Williams
typed by Sarah exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(scene shows Spongebob at the Krusty Krab time clock, punch card ready in his hand)
Spongebob: Wait for it... (clock ticks to 8:00; dramatic music plays; Spongebob punches in and springs happily into the air; screen pauses with him in mid-air)
Voiceover: (a bar across the screen appears with these words on it) On Time Percentage: 100%. (screen un-pauses; Squidward walks up to the time clock)
Squidward: Another day, another migraine. Heh, heh, mi-- (screen pauses again)
Voiceover: On Time Percentage: 12%. (screen un-pauses)
Squidward: --graine. Heh, heh, heh.
Spongebob: Ahh, isn't it great working at the Krusty Krab, Squidward? Huh? Isn't it? Working here?
Squidward: (unenthusiastically) Yeah, great.
Spongebob: Yeah...
Squidward: Yeah.
Spongebob: Aw, yeah...
Squidward: (angrily) Yes!
Spongebob: (puts up his hand) Hold that thought, Squidward. I'm doing the parking lot for early-morning litter patrol. May Neptune shine brightly on my harvest. (laughs; next scene shows him walking out of the Krusty Krab with his trash-collecting gear, including a trash bag and a hat that reads "LITTER BUGS ME") Litter. (picks up piece of waste) Looks like someone missed the trash basket, huh, Mr. Candy Wrapper? (laughs) Kids these days. (some more litter falls into the area where Spongebob is collecting trash) I've never seen such an epidemic! Well, at least it's all over now. (several more pieces of trash appear; Spongebob frantically tries to gather them all; screams) WHERE IS ALL THIS LITTER COMING FROM? (we hear an "ahem"; Spongebob looks to see where the throat-clearing noise came from and sees a buff-looking guy in his car, nonchalantly tossing trash out of the vehicle; Spongebob narrows his eyes) Not on my watch. (walks up to the car) Sir, I will have you know it's against the law to litter.
Litterbug: Heh, what're you gonna do, call the police? (police drive up)
Spongebob: (points finger) Yes. (police come up to the litterbug and begin handcuffing his wrists, ankles, thumbs, and eyeballs; police walk past him in single-file and continue cuffing him)
Squidward: How's it going, Lieutenant?
Spongebob: Well, let's just say I hope our litterbug there saved room for his "just desserts". (laughs) Yeah, just desserts. (laughs more)
Squidward: Whatever. Huh!? (recognizes the litterbug, who is now completely covered in handcuffs and padlocks; an officer handcuffs his hair into pigtails) Spongebob, don't you know who that is?
Spongebob: Who?
Squidward: That's the Tattletale Strangler.
Spongebob: Who?
Squidward: The Tattletale Strangler! (shows Spongebob a WANTED poster of the Strangler) He's promised to strangle anyone who turns him in! (the Strangler growls at Spongebob; Squidward and Spongebob both look alarmed)
Spongebob: He seems kind of angry with us, eh, Squidward? (Spongebob looks where Squidward was standing, only to find that he is gone) Squidward? Squidward??
Male Cop: (he and a female cop are putting the Strangler in their police vehicle) You're gonna do time, Strangler. Hard time. (they walk away from the car)
Spongebob: (walks up to police) Hi, officers! So, he's going to jail, right?
Female Cop: Who, Strangler?
Spongebob: Yeah, Strangler.
Female Cop: Oh, yeah. He's going to jail for a long time.
(Strangler, now in the backseat of the police car, draws a picture of Spongebob on the back of the driver's seat headrest)
Spongebob: Hey, that looks like me! (Strangler begins growling and mangling the headrest, then laughs; Spongebob screams)
Female Cop: Don't worry, Spongebob. He won't be able to strangle you.
Male Cop: Yeah. We got him chained up real good. He'll never get away.
Female Cop: Oops. Not again. (the Strangler is now gone; a pile of handcuffs is outside the open door of the police car)
Male Cop: Yep. He got away.
Spongebob: (screams and faints, rubbing head; officers have climbed into their car) You nice officers will protect me, right?
Female Cop: We ain't bodyguards, kid.
Male Cop: Yeah, give us a call if you see him again... tattletale. (they drive off; Spongebob coughs from their car exhaust)
Spongebob: Those officers are right. I need a bodyguard! (runs into the Krusty Krab, flailing his arms) Mr. Krabs!!! There's a maniac after me! I need a bodyguard.
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) I wasn't five-time "Golden Claws" in the Navy for nothin'! When he sees me moves, he'll be runnin' scared. So, where is this little bully? Down at the park? The sodey shop? What does he look like, eh, boy?
Spongebob: This would be him, Mr. Krabs. (takes out WANTED poster)
Mr. Krabs: (screams) The Tattletale Strangler? (retracts his eyes and appendages into his body) Go away, Spongebob! Take your death cloud with you!
(cuts to a montage; Spongebob shows the WANTED poster to various people, including Larry the lobster [whose eyes bulge out in fear, and he instantly turns into a cooked lobster on a plate], a burly construction worker [who "runs" away on his jackhammer], and four customers in the "Tough Tavern" [one runs away exclaiming, "Hold me! Hold me!"]; new scene shows Spongebob at the bus stop)
Spongebob: Ugh. That's it. I gotta get out of town 'til I can find a bodyguard.
Strangler: (sitting on a bench, hidden behind a newspaper; Spongebob doesn't realize it is him) Bodyguard, huh? I might be able to help you out.
Spongebob: (walks over to bench) You don't understand, mister. I need protection from the scariest guy in town. Here's his picture. (holds up WANTED poster)
Strangler: (lowers newspaper; we see that he is wearing a fake mustache) Heh-heh, he doesn't look so tough.
Spongebob: I tattled on him, and now he wants to strangle me with his diabolical hands! I hope they're not dirty.
Strangler: (holds up his filthy hands and cackles; he is standing behind Spongebob, ready to strangle; a bus full of passengers pulls up to the stop and then leaves; he puts his hands behind his back innocently) Huh? Uh-oh. Uh, there's too many witnesses around here. (comes over to Spongebob) Listen, kid. I could be your bodyguard. Here's my card.
Spongebob: Hmm, looks good to me. (we see the card; it has "Tattletale Strangler" clearly crossed out with "Bodyguard" written underneath it) You're hired! I feel safer already. What's next?
Strangler: (we see a 5 sticker hanging from his fake mustache) Well, the maniac could be anywhere, wearing a disguise. He could be that old man. (points to old guy with a walker) Or that baby. (points to baby in stroller)
Spongebob: Or that pebble! Or that stick! Or that receipt for the Phony Baloney Mustache Emporium! (points to each in turn)
Strangler: Huh? Uh, that's mine. (picks it up and shoves it in his pocket)
Spongebob: Oh, bodyguard, my body is in your guarding hands. What do we do first?
Strangler: Well, I suggest we go to a nice, quiet, secluded location, uh, like behind an old dumpster or a dark alley...
Spongebob: We could go to my house and turn off all the lights!
Strangler: Perfect. That way no one can hear you being STRANGLED... er, I mean, uh, uh, protected. (starts cackling; background darkens) Perfect. (continues cackling; Spongebob joins in; they laugh together until Spongebob stops; the background returns to normal)
Spongebob: Aw, but first I gotta do a few errands.
Strangler: (annoyed) Uh, okay, but let's make it quick.
Spongebob: Quick is my middle name! (new scene in the grocery store) Let's see. Paper towels. This one says "best paper towel around"; this one says "best paper towel in town". Hmm. In town... around... in town... around... what do you think, bodyguard?
Strangler: Whatever gets us to your house quicker.
Spongebob: I'll take both!
(new scene at the Dry Cleaning While-U-Wait)
Dry Cleaner: Here you go, Mr. Squarepants. (hands him his ensemble of shirt, tie, and pants)
Spongebob: Hmm. (examining the clothing)
Dry Cleaner: Is there something wrong?
Spongebob: I'm not sure if these are my pants. (Strangler groans; new scene at the perfume store; Spongebob sprays some onto his wrist and holds it up to the Strangler) How about this one, bodyguard? Too overbearing?
Strangler: Can we just go to your house!?
(new scene, Spongebob's house)
Spongebob: Here we are, Squarepants Manor! Bodyguard, let me just take this opportunity to say you're the best bodyguard a fella could hope to have.
Strangler: All right, enough of the sappy talk! Open the door so I can strangle you... I mean, uh, choke you... I mean, uh, crush your windpipe... gah, I mean...
Spongebob: Protect me?
Strangler: Thanks.
Spongebob: Don't mention it, Strangler. (gasps) I mean, bodyguard. Now where'd I put my key? (Strangler growls)
French Narrator: Twenty minutes later...
Spongebob: (still hunting for keys; Strangler is still growling) Well, I can't find 'em. You wanna take a look?
Strangler: Forget the key! Let's climb through this window. (reaches for window, struggling) I can't reach it. Do you think you could hop up on my shoulders, kid?
Spongebob: (now wearing cleats) Sure! With these spiky cleats, anything is possible! (jumps onto Strangler) Yah!
Strangler: Cleats? (both of Spongebob's feet go into his eyes; he screams) Get your feet out of my eye sockets!
Spongebob: (tugging on his own legs) I'm trying, but my cleats are stuck in your corneas!
(Strangler begins yowling in pain and running around, Spongebob still stuck in his eyes)
French Narrator: Six hours later...
(Strangler is still running around; he finally yanks Spongebob's cleats from his eyeballs; new scene shows bandages on each eye)
Spongebob: Don't be mad, bodyguard. Let me just grab the key I keep under the mat and we can get inside. (Strangler is so mad that an atomic explosion comes out of his head; Spongebob doesn't notice and extracts the key from beneath the mat) There you are, you little rascal. Now, to put the key in the lock, which should activate the tumblers, thus opening the door. (Strangler has sneaked up behind Spongebob, cackling, his hands poised to strangle; Spongebob opens the door and walks in) Step inside...
Strangler: Close the door... (does so)
Spongebob: Well, here we are!
Strangler: I've finally got you all alone! (begins laughing maniacally; the background darkens again)
Spongebob: I know! Isn't it great? (laughs; they both continue laughing; Strangler picks Spongebob up by the ribs) Ooh.
Strangler: Now you're gonna get yours... tattletale! (the lights turn back on)
Crowd: Surprise! (Spongebob's friends are in his house; they begin cheering; a banner drops that reads "Congratulations, Spongebob! 100% On Time!")
Spongebob: A surprise party to celebrate my perfect on-time percentage at work? Oh, how'd you guys know?
Patrick: It's on the invitations you sent us. (holds one up) Let's boogie! (everyone parties; Strangler plops down in Spongebob's armchair, looking extremely depressed; new scene at end of party)
Spongebob: Bye, everybody! Thanks for coming! (starts naming everyone as they walk out the door past him) Bye, Mr. Krabs! Bye, Plankton. Bye, Sandy. Bye, Larry. Bye, Pearl. Bye, Mrs. Puff. Bye, Squidward. Bye, the rest! (comes back into the house; laughs) Ahh, alone at last!
Strangler: (wakes up from armchair) What? Huh? Huh? What? Huh? (Spongebob closes door; scene darkens again) So, we're all alone now?
Spongebob: Just you, me, and the floorboards. (Strangler resumes cackling; Spongebob joins in) Yeah. (laughs more; a knock on the door comes; Spongebob opens it)
Crowd: Happy birthday, Spongebob!
Spongebob: How did you guys know today is my birthday?
Patrick: We just do what the invitations say! Let's boogie some more! (everyone parties again; Strangler returns to armchair; new scene shows party's end)
Spongebob: Thanks for coming! (waves and closes door) Woo! (laughs) Alone again.
Strangler: Is it true? Everybody's gone?
Spongebob: Uh-huh.
Strangler: No more parties today... you got everything you need now... nobody's left... we're completely alone?
Spongebob: Oh yeah.
Strangler: In that case... (resumes cackling; Patrick appears out of nowhere)
Patrick: Great parties, huh?
Strangler: Doh! Sorry, Tubby, you've gotta go.
Spongebob: Wait! We can trust Patrick. He's my best friend.
Strangler: Well, I can't take any chances. For all we know, he could be the Strangler.
Patrick: I'm the Strangler? Oh, I should've known! I gotta turn myself in! (runs out of Spongebob's house but doesn't use the door, leaving a star shape in the wall)
Spongebob: So, Patrick's the Strangler. Gee, you think you know a guy.
Strangler: (angrier than ever) He's not the Strangler!
Spongebob: He's not?
Strangler: (rips off fake mustache) I AM!!!
Spongebob: Hey, how'd you do that without shaving cream?
Strangler: It's a fake, you idiot! I bought it at the party store!
(guests reappear in Spongebob's house)
Squidward: Did someone say "party"?
Strangler: (screams and exits Spongebob's house, leaving another hole in the wall next to Patrick's; running away) I can't take it!
Spongebob: (running after him) Wait, bodyguard! I need protection!
Strangler: (gets into taxi) Step on it! I'm being chased by a maniac!
Spongebob: (chases taxi) I'm not safe! Come back!
Strangler: (goes to the Bikini Bottom Airport and gets on a plane) Finally. Away from that guy.
Spongebob: (also on plane) Good idea, bodyguard. He'll never find us up here. (Strangler yells and jumps out of plane, pulling his parachute cord; notices that the parachute is actually Spongebob) Good thinking, bodyguard. The Strangler could have been on that plane. (Strangler takes out a giant pair of scissors and cuts the parachute strings; he plummets right into the Bikini Bottom Police Station, into a jail cell; Spongebob comes running up to him) Bodyguard, bodyguard!
Strangler: Look, kid. I'm not your bodyguard. (begins crying) I'm the Strangler! See? (gestured to WANTED poster on the wall)
Spongebob: (gasps) AAH! The Strangler! (two cops walk up)
Female Cop: Good work, Spongebob. You put the Strangler behind bars.
Strangler: At least I'm safe from that yellow idiot.
Patrick: (in the same cell as the Strangler) Hey, Mac. What're you in for?