Scaredy Pants
written by Paul Tibbitt and Peter Burns
typed by Foxy Grandpa exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

Narrator: Halloween is no different under the waves. Pirates, skeletons, and sea monsters. (laughs) Oop, sorry. Everyone having fun, well almost everyone.
SpongeBob: (is cleaning dishes in the Krusty Krab; hears thud) Huh? (hinge on door creaks eerily) Who's there? (sees the word "BOO" on three receipts near the register; washes dishes faster) Okay, Mr. Krabs. The dishes are done! I'm leaving. (runs to door, Mr. Krabs stops him)
Mr. Krabs: Hold on - don't you want to hear my annual scary story?
SpongeBob: No thank you, Mr. Krabs. Uh--does it have monsters in it?
Mr. Krabs: Aye, the worst monster of them all.
SpongeBob: Is it a true story?
Mr. Krabs: True as the Deep Blue.
SpongeBob: Ok, maybe just a little
Mr. Krabs: Have a seat me boy. (SpongeBob sits down, Mr. Krabs grabs a small campfire and brings it over to where he and SpongeBob sit) Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Every year, on Halloween night, the Flying Dutchman descends on Bikini Bottom in a pirate ship...just like this (holds up a Krabby Patty) only bigger!
SpongeBob: Excuse me, did his ship look like a Krabby Patty?
Mr. Krabs: Like I was saying, the Flying Dutchman swoops down and starts stealing people's souls. (grabs pickle out of burger and shakes it)
SpongeBob: Do souls look like pickles?
Mr. Krabs: Aye, as a matter of fact, they do. Then he puts them where you can never get them -- in his Soul Bag. (starts laughing evilly)
Squidward: (dressed as the Flying Dutchman, pops up behind SpongeBob) I've come for your pickle. (SpongeBob jumps in the air and screams)
Mr. Krabs: Ha! Scaredy Pants gets easier to scare ever year! (Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh heartily)
SpongeBob: (angrily) Ohh...Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: Nothing like a good ghost story, eh me boy? Hope you're not too scared to come to me party tonight, SpongeBob Scaredy-Pants! (laughs)
Squidward: (sneaks up behind SpongeBob) Steal your soul. (SpongeBob jumps through the roof, lands in front of the store, starts walking home, hears weird noises, and gasps)
Little Boy: (in Halloween outfit, a cowboy) Trick or treat! (SpongeBob screams and runs home)
Little Boy's Mom: It's okay, son. That's just SpongeBob Scaredy-Pants. (SpongeBob passes Mrs. Puff in her boat, dressed as a witch; she honks the horn and he jumps to the top of a street lamp in fear)
Mrs. Puff: Happy Halloween, Scaredy-Pants. (cackles, drives away)
SpongeBob: The name’s Squarepants! It's Squarepants. (shows scene in SpongeBob's house, inside a big pumpkin, carving it) I don't get it, Gary. Every Halloween no matter how hard I try, everybody scares me.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Well I'm sick of it. (exits pumpkin through mouth) No more Scaredy Pants. (looks at pumpkin; screams and runs to closet; knock at door)
Patrick: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Gary, it's Patrick. I'm gonna scare him. It's my turn. (answers door, weakly exclaims) Rar! (sees Patrick in glasses with fake nose and mustache)
Patrick: Hiya SpongeBob. (SpongeBob screams) Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya.
SpongeBob: Why can't I be frightening for once? Where's my chance?
Patrick: If you wanna be scary, you're gonna need a good costume.
SpongeBob: (comes out with sheet over his body) What do you think?
Patrick: Great! You're going as my trick-or-treat bag.
SpongeBob: No! No! I'm the ghost of the Flying Dutchman!
Patrick: (thinks) Uh.. something's missing. I know! (runs to SpongeBob's closet, gets a Christmas tree, and cuts it down to a pair of clogs) Step into these babies, Hans. (SpongeBob puts them on) Terrifying.
SpongeBob: I don't know Patrick. (doorbell rings, kids giggle)
Patrick: Come on SpongeBob, it's little kids, little kids are easy to scare. (SpongeBob answers door)
Kids 1, 2 & 3: Trick or treat!
SpongeBob: Rar! Rar! (the kids laugh at SpongeBob)
Kid 1: Look! It's the Haunted Mattress!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay, here's your candy.
Kid 1: No, please. That was enough of a treat. Thank you. (kids laugh then walk away)
SpongeBob: I don't get it, Patrick.
Patrick: SpongeBob, look at my new paper ghost. (holds up cut-out he has created) Ooh! Scary...
SpongeBob: That is it, Patrick!
Patrick: What's it?
SpongeBob: What's the difference between that ghost and me?
Patrick:, no, no, wait, don't tell me. (Patrick groans with exertion) D-D-Don't tell me, I can do this! I can do this! Don't tell me, don't tell me! DON'T TELL ME! Okay, tell me.
SpongeBob: I've got a square head, and a real ghost has a round one. All we have to do is make my head round and boo! -- I'm scary. (shows next scene, SpongeBob sitting in a chair with Patrick holding an electric razor)
Patrick: Okay, are you ready?
SpongeBob: Remember: Like this. (holds up Patrick's paper ghost; Patrick shaves off the top two corners of SpongeBob's head)
Patrick: Are you sure you wanna do this?
SpongeBob: Shave me down, make me round! (Patrick picks up one of the corners he shaved off and wipes his forehead)
Patrick: All right, let’s get to it. (shaves SpongeBob's head; when he's done they show him with the sheet over his head)
SpongeBob: What do you think?
Patrick: Perfect! (shakes SpongeBob's hand) Now that's scary! (puts on his glasses, nose and mustache, spooky voice) Let's go scare somebody. (shows SpongeBob and Patrick running down the street)
SpongeBob: Whoo… I'm the Flying Dutchman!!
Patrick: Ooh… I don't know who I am. (SpongeBob rings someone's doorbell, they answer)
SpongeBob: Rar Rar! I'm the Flying Dutchman!
Patrick: Ooh… I'm the Flying Dutchman's best friend! (SpongeBob and Patrick run away laughing)
Person At Door: Hey don't you kids want your candy? (shows Patrick and SpongeBob’s faces through the two eyes of a giant skull-shaped rock)
Patrick: Oh boy, that was something! Your costume really packs a punch!
SpongeBob: Do you think?
Patrick: Oh, no question. You scared the barnacles off that guy!
SpongeBob: Who should we scare next?
Patrick: There's a whole party just full of people down at the Krusty Krab, and the Flying Dutchman is gonna show up uninvited. (people laughing outside) Ooh, here comes someone now. (SpongeBob jumps out of skull rock)
SpongeBob: Rar! Whooo… I'm the Flying Dutchman. (laughs and runs across street, Patrick follows doing the same)
Kid 2: Wasn't that the Haunted Mattress?
Kid 3: I guess he's been demoted to a haunted sleeping bag. (the kids laugh, shows the Krusty Krab)
(Mr. Krabs is bobbing for apples, lifts his head and chokes)
Pearl: Oh, Dad, you're embarrassing me again! (shows Sandy and Squidward)
Sandy: Howdy Squidward… I mean Flying Dutchman. Great party, huh?
Squidward: What are you supposed to be?
Sandy: Why, I'm a pet goldfish in a bowl.
Squidward: I don't get it. (shows SpongeBob and Patrick on the roof of the Krusty Krab)
Patrick: (SpongeBob opens a door on the roof while Patrick is tying a rope around SpongeBob) Are you ready, SpongeBob? (SpongeBob gives Patrick the thumbs up)
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, kill the lights! (Patrick unplugs the lights; everyone in the Krusty Krab screams; they can see SpongeBob's body through the roof opening)
Patrick: (laughing evilly, pretending to be the Flying Dutchman; he lowers Spongebob on the rope through the roof door) I’m the Flying Dutchman. Booga, booga, booga, booga. Give me your souls. (Patrick gets stung by a jellyfish on the roof) Huh? (after realizing he’s stung he goes crazy and screams, letting go of the rope; SpongeBob is spinning in the air, screaming as well; Patrick screams again)
SpongeBob: WHOA! (Patrick scratches himself and yells; SpongeBob is still dangling from the rope; his yelling slows to a halt and SpongeBob is in the air, upside down, pants visible)
Kid 2: Hey! That's no Dutchman! That's SpongeBob!
Sandy: SpongeBob?
Squidward: SpongeBob? (everyone laughs)
SpongeBob: Help, Help!
Patrick: I am not SpongeBob! Those are my street clothes. (everyone laughs; weird voice repeats "Flying Dutchman!"; lightning crashes)
Flying Dutchman: ENOUGH! (the Flying Dutchman appears through a cloud of green smoke, he laughs evilly)
Mr. Krabs: It's the real Flying Dutchman! (faints)
Flying Dutchman: You bet your lily-white livers I'm the Flying Dutchman! And I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm going to steal your soul! (everyone screams) QUIET! (breathes something that makes everyone crisp black) You had it coming you big crybabies! Every year, people dressing like me! (Squidward, in the crowd, takes off his Dutchman hat and whistles) Turning the Flying Dutchman name into a laughingstock. But that's not the reason I'm taking your souls. No, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. (points to SpongeBob) Out of all the Dutchman costumes I've seen, yours is the most insulting!
SpongeBob: Do you mean I'm not scary?
Flying Dutchman: YOU?! SCARY?! (cuts the rope SpongeBob is hanging from, flies to SpongeBob) Let me tell you something about scary, kid. There's all kinds of scary things in the world. Spiders are scary. I'm scary. You? You're not scary. Okay, let's get this over with. (laughs evilly, crowd screams)
Sandy: SpongeBob!
Flying Dutchman: First, I gotta get rid of this stupid costume. (pulls off costume, looks shocked, leaves screaming)
SpongeBob: (is standing there with all the sponge completely shaved away from his head, revealing his brain) Hey, what do you know? I scared him. (laughs, everyone leaves screaming) It worked Patrick, I scared everybody.
Patrick: Yeah, I guess it was your pink hat.
SpongeBob: Pink hat? Oh that's not a hat, that's my brain.
Patrick: Oh. (runs away screaming)
SpongeBob: Don't worry! It grows back!