Rock-A-Bye Bivalve
written by Jay Lender, Sam Henderson, and Mark O'Hare
typed by Aaron exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(a newspaper is tossed in front of Spongebob's pineapple; as soon as it lands, Spongebob emerges from his house and runs over to it)
Spongebob: (gasps) Gary! The paper's here! (Gary zooms out on a motor-powered skateboard and stops next to Spongebob; Spongebob takes the newspaper out of the rubber band) You can have this, buddy. (sticks the paper in Gary's mouth) 'Cause all I need is the entertainment section! (holds up the rubber band and wiggles it around in the air; stretches it out and steps in the middle of it, while humming; lets go, causing his body to scrunch up in the middle) I am a happy sponge! (laughs and runs around behind Gary, who is reading the paper)
Gary: (rolls his eyes) Meow.
Spongebob: (still running around; collides with Patrick, who also has a rubber band around him) Ooh!
Patrick: I see you got the paper. (snaps out of the rubber band)
Spongebob: Oh, hey, Patrick. (also snaps out of the rubber band; the two stand there for a moment, smiling; Patrick clears his throat) Well, I better get going.
Patrick: Yup. See you later. (both walk off; a chirping sound is heard; the two quickly return to the spot)
Spongebob and Patrick: What did you say?
Patrick: I didn't say anything.
Spongebob: I didn't say anything either.
Spongebob and Patrick: See you later then! (both wave and walk off again; the chirping continues; the two run back, now irritated) All right, quit messing with me. I know you said something.
Patrick: Oh... but it is you that is messing with me. (the chirping continues, and it appears it is coming from a piece of green coral in the ground) That's what's messing with us! (a tiny baby scallop is behind it, making the chirping noises)
Spongebob: It's a baby scallop.
Patrick: (angrily) I'll take care of this!!! (lifts up his leg)
Spongebob: No! Patrick! It's totally helpless! (gets down on his knees and picks it up gently) It looks like he can't even fly yet. (stands back up)
Patrick: What's the matter? Is he stupid?
Spongebob: No, Patrick, he's just a baby. He's all alone with no one to take care of him.
Patrick: Well, we... we can't just leave him out here.
Spongebob: You're right. Come on, let's take him into the pineapple. (they both run off and enter Spongebob's house; Spongebob places him on the floor) Hmm... let's see. We need a box for him to sleep in. (takes off his pants and puts the scallop inside them) There you go! It's the best seat in the house. (points to his rear-end; Gary sits at a drum set and does a comic drum roll; Spongebob picks up his pants)
Patrick: Let me see. (sticks his head inside) Hey, he's kind of cute. Uh-oh. (comes out with holes chewed through his head) I think somebody's hungry!
Spongebob: (lifts the scallop up) Is it true? Are you hungry?
Scallop: (chirps)
Spongebob: (puts it down on a barrel) I've got just the thing. How would you like a Krabby Patty? (holds a Krabby Patty in front of the scallop)
Scallop: (chirps in disgust)
Patrick: Spongebob Squarepants, are you crazy? That's not the right food for a little fella like him.
Spongebob: Of course not. I don't know what I was thinking. What he needs is a tiny Krabby Patty. (holds a small Krabby Patty that fits between his two fingers in front of the scallop)
Scallop: (sniffs it, turns the other way, and groans in disgust again)
Spongebob: Huh? No one's ever turned down one of these before. (eats it)
Patrick: Let's try a donut. (holds up a chocolate donut with sprinkles)
Scallop: (hisses)
Spongebob: French fries? (holds up a paper banana boat full of french fries)
Scallop: (nods in disagreement)
Patrick: (chewing) A donut? (holds out the same donut as before, now with a bite out of it)
Scallop: (blows raspberries)
Spongebob: (holds up an apple) All we have left is this apple. (a purple worm pops out of it)
Worm: Hello, sea creatures! I bring you greetings from Apple World!
Scallop: (chirps in delight)
Spongebob: Of course. Scallops love worms!
Worm: Huh, wait! (Spongebob pulls him out of the apple and dangles him over the scallop) We will bury you!!! (gets dropped into the scallop's mouth and swallowed)
Spongebob: Well, you should be good for the rest of the...
Scallop: (wails loudly and starts crying)
Patrick: What now?
Spongebob: I don't know!
Scallop: WAH!!!!
Spongebob: Aw, don't cry.
Patrick: Do something, Spongebob!
Spongebob: Uh... uh... uh... (makes a series of goofy noises and faces) Look at the funny face! Doo-dah-doo-dah-doo! Look at the funny face! (camera zooms out, revealing the faces to actually be done by a puppet on Spongebob's hand) Look at the funny face!
Patrick: Wait! I think I might know the problem. (lifts the scallop up and looks inside its shell) Yup, that's it, all right. Hold on just one second. (turns around, then returns to facing Spongebob) Here he is, good as new. (holds out the scallop, who is now wearing a diaper)
Spongebob: How did you know?
Patrick: Well, how do you think? (pulls down his pants; underneath is a diaper similar to the scallop's; pulls his pants back up) And I've been doing it all by myself for almost a year.
Spongebob: Wow, I'm sure glad you're here.
Patrick: I know. Good thing there's two of us.
Spongebob: You know Patrick, since this scallop doesn't have parents, we should raise it ourselves.
Patrick: Yeah, at least 'til it's old enough to be on its own. Oh! I want to be the mom!
Spongebob: I don't think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.
Patrick: You're right. If I was a mom... (camera zooms out, showing Patrick with an extremely large stomach covered with hair, and a tattoo of an anchor on his shoulder) ...this would be kind of shocking. (lifts up his arms, under which are large patches of armpit hair) Just call me daddy!
(cuts to a montage; Patrick and Spongebob walk out of Spongebob's house; Spongebob is wearing a red dress with white polka-dots and holding a parasol, and Patrick is wearing a blue bow-tie and a hat, while pushing a baby carriage; they walk past two fish, who stare in puzzlement; a thought cloud appears above their heads, containing a picture of a sponge, a plus sign, a picture of a starfish, an equal sign, a picture of a scallop, and a question mark; Spongebob and Patrick run around, lifting the scallop up and down as they go; the scallop slides down a slide, followed by Spongebob, and then Patrick; the three sit, flapping their arms, in a bird bath; later, they stand in line in front of the ice cream vendor; Patrick holds up two fingers; Vendor scoops one plain scoop of ice cream onto a cone and hands it to Patrick, then he scoops another, this time with six worms sticking out of it, which Spongebob holds in front of the scallop for him to lick; Spongebob, holding the scallop, and Patrick sit on a bike; they ride off-screen, then return in a new pose; they ride off again, and the bike returns with only the scallop on it; alarmed, Spongebob and Patrick chase it down the road; cuts to Spongebob's bedroom at night; Spongebob and Patrick are looming over the scallop's carriage)
Patrick: It sure looks cute when it's asleep.
Spongebob: Yeah.
Scallop: (snores)
Spongebob: Shh...
Patrick: (gets into Spongebob's bed) Hey Spongebob.
Spongebob: (gets into bed, seemingly next to Patrick) Yes, Patrick?
Patrick: I never thought being a parent could be this much fun.
Spongebob: Me neither. (camera zooms out to reveal Spongebob on the top mattress of his bed, which is leaning upward, and Patrick on the middle mattress)
Patrick: Well, good night, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Good night, Patrick. (lies down and slams his mattress down over Patrick; cuts to the next day) Patrick, breakfast is ready! (Spongebob is downstairs at the stove; Patrick, wearing a white shirt and blue tie, walks into the kitchen and stares at his huge breakfast on the table, consisting of sausage, muffins, eggs, bacon, Kelpo, milk, orange juice, coffee, pancakes, and toast) All right! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. (lifts up the table and pours everything on it down his throat; belches) Hey Junior, how are you doing today? (pats the scallop; sniffs him) Spongebob? (starts to fix his tie)
Spongebob: Yes, Patrick?
Patrick: Kid's got a stinky.
Spongebob: (stands in the corner of the kitchen flipping a pancake, beating a rug, spraying and wiping a window, ironing a shirt, and vacuuming using his foot, all at the same time) Could you take care of him? My hands are kind of full.
Patrick: (finishes drinking a cup of coffee) Ah. Wish I could, but I gotta get going.
Spongebob: Going? Where are you going?
Patrick: (standing at the door, now wearing a brown coat) Going to work. (puts a brown hat on) I'm the dad, remember?
Spongebob: You mean I have to do all this baby stuff myself?
Patrick: (starts out the door) I'll give you a break tonight when I get home. Don't you two stop being adorable. (laughs; shuts the door)
Spongebob: Okay. (laughs unsurely; later that night, Patrick walks in the door, holding his coat over his shoulder, looking tired)
Patrick: Phew! What a day. (drops his coat, hat and suitcase on the floor; walks into the kitchen)
Spongebob: (doing the same things as earlier, as well as holding Junior) Oh, great, you're home. Now you can help me with the baby.
Patrick: Oh gee, Spongebob, I'd love to, but I'm totally beat from work.
Spongebob: Huh?
Patrick: (picks up the remote and turns on the TV in the living room; sits down) Ah... (laughs loudly) That guy got hit in the head with a coconut! (laughs some more)
Spongebob: (walks in the room, still doing a bunch of work with multiple hands and holding Junior, who is crying) Patrick, what about my break?
Patrick: Oh, yeah, your break. Tomorrow, I promise.
Spongebob: Uh... ok, tomorrow.
French Narrator: Tomorrow.
Patrick: (walks in the door, just like before) Phew! Another tough day.
Spongebob: (still multitasking) Oh, Patrick, I'm so glad you're home after working all day. I can't wait for my break.
Patrick: Work was a killer, I need my chair. (walks into the living room and sits down)
Spongebob: Patrick, I really need my...
Patrick: Tomorrow for sure.
French Narrator: Tomorrow for sure...
Spongebob: (looking extremely tired, but still working) Patrick?
Patrick: (walks past him) I'll get to it eventually.
French Narrator: Eventually...
Spongebob: (looking even more tired than before) Uhhh?
Patrick: Uhhh.
French Narrator: Uhhh...
(Patrick sits in the chair watching TV; Spongebob marches in angrily)
Spongebob: Patrick Star, we need to talk.
Patrick: Just one more minute. I gotta...
Spongebob: Don't "one more minute" me, Mr. Man. (grabs the remote and shuts the TV off)
Patrick: Hey, I'm missing the coconut!
Spongebob: You haven't been helping at all with Junior! (pulls Junior over in his baby carriage) We made a commitment and you're not doing your share! You never do anything.
Patrick: I changed his diaper!
Spongebob: Yeah, once.
Patrick: He's only this big. (portrays Junior's size with his fingers) How many diapers could he possibly use?
Spongebob: (opens the lid on a metal trash can filled with dirty diapers) Mmm?!
Patrick: Aw, that's not so much.
Spongebob: (runs over to the corner of the room, where two bags and another metal trash can sit, full of diapers) Mmm?!
Patrick: So?
Spongebob: (opens the refrigerator; a pile of dirty diapers falls out) Mmm?! (pulls the cover off the couch, revealing it to be made up of dirty diapers) Mmm?! (tears a layer of wallpaper off the wall; the inside is filled with dirty diapers) Mmm?! (takes Patrick upstairs and opens the window, pointing to a trash truck outside that is scooping up piles out of a mountain of dirty diapers; Patrick whimpers)
Patrick: (starts to tear up) I had no idea! What kind of father am I?! I'll make it up to you, buddy. I promise. (cuts to Patrick, in work uniform, and Spongebob standing in front of the pineapple)
Spongebob: So, what's the plan for today?
Patrick: No more foolin' around. From now on, I'm Super Dad. I'll work straight through lunch so I can get home on time. So make sure you save a big old stinky diaper for me to change, and you can take the night off, pal.
Spongebob: (hands him his suitcase) Great. (the two shake hands) So I'll see you at six o'clock.
Patrick: (starts to walk off) Six o'clock.
Spongebob: Six o'clock.
Patrick: (salutes him) Six o'clock.
Spongebob: (waving goodbye) Six o'clock.
Patrick: (walks down the road) Six o'clock.
Spongebob: Six o'clock!
Patrick: Six o'clock.
French Narrator: Twelve o'clock midnight.
Patrick: (wanders in the door, giggling, with a lampshade on his head; he flips on the light) Oh boy, that was some party! (lifts up the lampshade; Spongebob is standing there wearing a pink nightgown and curlers and holding Junior) Oh, hey Spongebob! Hey Junior. (Spongebob taps his foot angrily) What? What?
Spongebob: Oh, nothing.
Patrick: Oh, what a relief. For a second there I thought you were mad at me. (lifts the lampshade completely off his head and puts it over Spongebob's, who removes it)
Spongebob: Do you remember what you said to me this morning?
Patrick: Something about root beer, right?
Spongebob: (sighs) No.
Patrick: Oh, wait, wait, let me guess! I give up.
Spongebob: Does (makes a weird face with his two buckteeth sticking out) "you can take the night off pal" ring a bell?
Patrick: (blows raspberries) I don't need this! (walks out the door)
Spongebob: What?! Where do you think you're going?
Patrick: (his rock lifts up) I'm going back to work! (hops in; the rock closes)
Spongebob: Work?! Grrrrr... (rips off his curlers and stomps over to Patrick's rock; lifts it up; Patrick sits inside, watching TV)
Patrick: (laughs) He got hit in the head with two coconuts!
Spongebob: So, this is work?
Patrick: You know, it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes, I gotta move the antenna. Sometimes, I lose the remote. And sometimes, my butt itches real bad.
Spongebob: Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase! (pulls out Patrick's briefcase; inside it are twelve donuts, two bowls of ice cream, and a spoon; Spongebob turns it upside down and pours it all over Patrick)
Patrick: Oh... so this is the thanks I get for working overtime.
Spongebob: (becomes extremely angry) Overtime?! (simultaneously) Oh boy, yeah, you're working, if that's the kind of work you're doing! Show me where to sign up for it, 'cause I am working my fingers to the bone! You never help! Never!
Patrick: (simultaneously) Yeah, overtime! Well, you're always... always working when you're too tired to work! You just keep going, and working, and working!
Junior: (off-screen; chirps)
Patrick: There's that stupid noise again!
Spongebob: Oh, that's not a stupid noise, that's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window. (Junior is, in fact, standing on the ledge of an open window on the second story of Spongebob's house)
Patrick: Oh.
Spongebob and Patrick: (their eyes inflate to an enormous size, much like air bags) Junior!!! (Junior jumps and begins hurtling toward the ground)
Spongebob: (simultaneously; running to Junior) Here darling! Sweetie! Right here! Come to daddy! Come to daddy! Right in the old pocket! I'll catch you! I'll catch you! I'll catch you!
Patrick: (simultaneously; running to Junior) Come on! Come, buddy! Come on! Come here, son! I'm gonna get you! Come here, buddy! No!!!
(Spongebob slams into the wall, followed by Patrick, who slams into him and absorbs him in his stomach; they both fall to the ground and Spongebob bounces out)
Spongebob: Did you catch him?
Patrick: No.
Spongebob and Patrick: (crying) We're bad parents!
Junior: (chirps; flies down to the two, who are still crying)
Spongebob: (he and Patrick open their eyes) Junior? He's flying!
Patrick: I guess he's all grown up!
Junior: (kisses Spongebob; flies upward)
Patrick: Hey... what about daddy?
Junior: (drops a coconut on Patrick, then flies down and kisses him)
Patrick: (dazed) That's my boy!
Junior: (flies away, chirping)
Spongebob: Goodbye! (waves goodbye)
Patrick: (also waves) Goodbye, Junior!
Spongebob: Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.
Patrick: This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume. (Junior disappears)
Spongebob: Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.
Patrick: Yeah. (turns to Spongebob) Let's have another. (Spongebob gets a shocked look on his face)