Ripped Pants
written by Paul Tibbitt and Peter Burns
typed by Gaby exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(Scene opens overlooking Goo Lagoon and a sign stating 'Welcome to Goo Lagoon')
Narrator: Ah, Goo Lagoon. A stinky mud puddle to you and me, but to the inhabitants of Bikini Bottom, a wonderful, stinky mud puddle.
(Spongebob and Sandy sit side by side, enjoying the beach.)
Spongebob: (sigh) What a great day. Hey Sandy! Look! I'm Sandy! (he is covered in sand)
Sandy: (laughing)
Spongebob: (forms sand around his head and nose to look like Squidward and speaks in nasal voice) Hey Sandy, who am I? (picks up fake sand phone) Hello Spongebob. Could you keep it down? I'm trying to be boring.
Sandy: (laughing) Spongebob!
Spongebob: (is carrying 20 sand pizza boxes, doorbell rings) Did anyone order 20 pepperoni and sand pizzas? (Spongebob and Sandy laugh together. Larry the Lobster comes walking up)
Larry: Hey Sandy! Hey Spongebob.
Sandy: Hey Larry.
Larry: You guys wanna go lift some weights?
Sandy: Sure. Well come on, Spongebob. (Spongebob's pepperoni and sand 'pizzas' fall flat as he walks on dejectedly.)
Spongebob: (sadly) Coming.
(Scene cuts to a group of weightlifters, each grunting as they work out. Larry turns to Sandy)
Larry: Give it a try, Sandy. (Sandy stands in front of a weight. She picks it up, grunting as she does so. The crowd cheers for her, and she throws the weight down.)
Spongebob: Good job, Sandy. Well, that's about enough for today, don't you think? (Spongebob tries to walk off)
Larry: How about a little more weight? (Larry bends down to pick up a weight heavier than Sandy's) Observe. (Larry grunts as he picks it up, his eyes bulging, and veins stick out from his neck. The crowd cheers, and Larry throws the weight down.)
Spongebob: All right, stand back everyone. (Spongebob picks up a single twig from the ground. The crowd is silent, unimpressed. He sinks into the sand. Sandy walks to a weight.)
Sandy: Y'all watch this! (Sandy picks up an 'anchor' weight. The crowd cheers for her, but stop when they realize Larry has lifted the spectator stands)
Sandy: Way to go Larry!
(Spongebob burrows to a fish picnicking, next to a marshmallow sack.)
Spongebob: Could I borrow a couple of these?
Fish: Mm-hmmph.
(Spongebob takes two marshmallows and places them on the branch.)
Spongebob: And now, with the addition of two, count 'em, two marshmallows. (Spongebob preps himself for his lift, inhales deeply, takes hold of the branch… and is unable to lift it. The crowd is bored. He tries again. And again. After a huge effort, Spongebob rips his pants! The crowd gasps, then laughs at Spongebob's ripped pants. Spongebob scuttles off, embarrassed.)
Scooter: (laughing) THAT was too funny. YOU are hilarious!
Sandy: Ain't he the funniest little sponge you ever saw?
(Spongebob grins widely, scene cuts to Larry)
Larry: Anybody up for some volleyball? (The ball volleys back and forth, until Larry spikes it into some fish and the crowd cheers for him. Spongebob looks at him in contempt. A fish serves the ball and as Larry is about to hit it, Spongebob interferes)
Spongebob: I got it! (The ball falls. Spongebob tries to serve it.) Incoming! (The serve misses and the crowd boos. He bends down to pick the ball up and rips his pants.) Oops, I guess I ripped my pants again! (The crowd laughs.)
Scooter: (laughing) Once again dude, YOU have split my sides! (laughs.)
(Scene cuts to a Frisbee. Larry catches it, throws it to Sandy.)
Spongebob: Hey Sandy, how about throwing it to me?
Sandy: Okay, here it comes!
(Spongebob stands still and lets the Frisbee hit him on the head.)
Spongebob: I could use a hand here! (laughs. Sandy walks over and helps him up)
Sandy: You okay, Spongebob?
Spongebob: I guess so… except I ripped my pants! (The crowd laughs, and Scooter walks up to Spongebob.)
Scooter: You still got it, dude!
(Scene cuts to Spongebob and Sandy walking to an ice cream vendor)
Vendor: May I help you?
Spongebob: I'll take a banana split.
Vendor: Uh, we don't have that.
Spongebob: That's okay. I already split my pants! Get it? (Sandy giggles)
Vendor: (annoyed) Tee-hee. Anything else?
Spongebob: How about RIPple? (Sandy giggles) No thanks, already got one! (Sandy drops laughing as the vendor makes an extremely annoyed face and Spongebob happily bounces off to a snack bar. Spongebob runs up to a fish, knocking his drink over.) Is that a burger you're eating?
Fish: Why, yes it is.
Spongebob: You know what would go good with that?
Fish: No, what?
Spongebob: (whispers) Ripped… pants. (Spongebob smiles big and shows the annoyed fish his ripped pants. Spongebob then runs around the snack bar, laughing. He comes up to a couple of fish eating/drinking.) Ripped pants a la mode! (Rips his pants, fish are annoyed. Scene goes to Spongebob being in the kitchen of the snack bar, next to the fry cook.) Delivery! Did you order 20 cases of ripped pants? (Spongebob shoves his behind through the box, revealing his ripped pants. He laughs.)
Fry Cook Fish: (groans disgustedly)
(Scene cuts to a broadcasting booth over looking the Goo Lagoon)
Announcer: Surf's up in the Goo Lagoon. (Fish are surfing. Then a close up of the announcer.) And here comes Larry, doing his trademark lay-back. (A shot of Larry lying on his surfboard) There goes Sandy, hanging ten… fingers, that is. (A shot of Sandy doing a handstand on her surfboard.) There goes Spongebob… (rip) ripping his pants again. (By now, the announcer fish is annoyed, and then a shot of Spongebob ripping his pants on his surfboard. A wave knocks Spongebob off his surfboard and washes him up on the beach.)
Lifeguard: Hey Look! A cardboard box washed up on the beach. (The lifeguard takes a closer look through his telescope) Holy fish paste! It's a guy! (The lifeguard sprints Baywatch-style over to Spongebob and flips him over.) Why?! WHY?! WH-HH-YY?! (A crowd gathers around Spongebob and the lifeguard)
Sandy: Spongebob!
Spongebob: (to the lifeguard) Come closer. I need…
Lifeguard: What do you need? (Tears come to the lifeguard's eyes.)
Spongebob: A tailor. Because I ripped my pants! (Spongebob laughs, the lifeguard takes a serious face, drops Spongebob, and the crowd surrounding him walks off, angrily.)
Fish in Crowd: That kind of stuff is uncalled for.
Fish in Crowd: What is that?
(Spongebob is left alone and Sandy walks up to him.)
Sandy: That wasn't funny, Spongebob. Y'all had me worried sick. (Sandy walks off; Scooter walks towards Spongebob and looks at him sadly.)
Scooter: Dude… (He walks off. Scene cuts to dressing tent, with Spongebob inside.)
Spongebob: (thinking) Come on, Spongebob, you're losing them! Think! Your public's waiting. (out loud) Let's see… "Lifting weights-big laugh", "Frisbee in face-kills", "Surfing-knocks 'em dead", "Pretending to drown-NO." Come on, think! I got it! Hey everybody! (runs out of dressing tent) Not ripped pants! Pants ripped off. Huh? Someone call the police. There's a pants thief on the loose! (wind howls and shows Spongebob standing alone on the beach. A tumbleweed rolls by. Spongebob turns and hears party music at a distance, and sees Larry and Sandy playing volleyball.) Oh no, everybody's gone, even Sandy. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. (Spongebob lays on the beach) We blew it pants.
Pants: (English accent) What do you mean, "we"? (The pants walk off, leaving Spongebob alone.)
Spongebob: Oh, I didn't have to be a fool to get Sandy's attention. AM I THE BIGGEST LOSER ON THE BEACH? (A female fish walks up to Spongebob.)
Female Fish: No, I am. I forgot to put on sunscreen. (She places a fin on herself, and it leaves a radioactive sounding mark, which vanishes.)
Spongebob: Ouch. (A fish walks up to both)
Guy Fish: No, I am. I got sand in my buns. (Shows them two sandy hamburger buns. There is a rumbling coming from the sand and a whale pops his head out of the sand.)
Whale: No, I'm the biggest loser on the beach. They buried me in the sand and forgot me.
All: (to Spongebob) What happened to you?
Spongebob: I lost my best friend.
All: How?
(Spongebob grabs a sand guitar and sings)
Spongebob: When I ripped… (rip) my pants, I thought that I had everybody by my side, but I went and blew it all sky-high, and now she won't even spare a passing glance, all just because I (rip) ripped my pants.
(All the creatures assemble on a stage with an instrument and sing:)
When big Larry came 'round just to put him down, Spongebob turned into a clown, and no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and ripped his pants.
Spongebob: I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse, 'cause winding up with no one is a lot less fun than a burn from the sun or sand in your buns. Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget, so listen and you won't regret. Be true to yourself, don't miss your chance, and you won't end up like the fool who ripped his pants. (The whole group rips their pants, although Spongebob ripped his underpants. By now, a huge crowd of fish has gathered and is cheering the group onstage. A blimp flies by with Spongebob's name on it.)
Sandy: Spongebob!
Spongebob: Sandy! (She jumps on onstage and hugs Spongebob.)
Sandy: Your song is true. If y'all want to be my friend, just be yourself. (Larry appears)
Larry: Spongebob, that was so righteous. Would you… sign my pants? (Spongebob bends down to sign Larry's pants. His underpants rip and fall off, leaving a Spongebob NudiePants. Someone wolf-whistles.)