Neptune's Spatula
written by Chuck Klein, Jay Lender, and David B. Fain
typed by Shadowstar

(We see the Fry Cook museum, which is shaped like a giant coal burner. Sponge and Pat are inside "oooh"ing and "aaaah"ing at all the exhibits. They come upon a golden spatula stuck in an ultra-hard bucket 'o' grease)
Spongebob: Behold the ultimate cooking utensil, the golden spatula! (Larry goes up and tries to pull it out)
Patrick: Hey Spongebob, look what it says here. (reads plaque) Many have tried to pull the spatula from this ancient grease but all have failed. (Larry flies backward, letting go)
Spongebob: (reading plaque) Only a fry cook worthy of King Neptune himself can wield…
Sponge & Pat: …the golden spatula. Wow!
Spongebob: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Take a picture of me and the spatula! (Sponge runs up and holds the spatula for a good photo-op) Okay, I'm ready! (Pat is focusing his camera and an old lady comes up behind him)
Old Lady: Excuse me, do you know where the menu section is? (Pat drones on, drooling)
Spongebob: Menu section? That's easy, it's over that way. (he pulls the spatula out with ease and points in the direction. The spatula starts to glow and clouds appear from the ceiling) Uh-oh.
Old Lady: (gruff man voice) Holy smokes! (she runs off)
Patrick: Rude. (goes back to focusing) Hey, the light changed.
Spongebob: Uh, Patrick…
Patrick: Hold on, almost there. (we hear booming laughter as Pat takes the photo. From the clouds, we see an ancient city and someone coming out from it, it's King Neptune! He has a merman body, long red hair, and a beard. He wears a gold belt and wields a golden scepter)
Neptune: Yes, yes, at last! Someone worthy of being the royal fry cook. Who has freed the spatula from the grease?
Spongebob: Uh, I did, Mr. Neptune, sir. Spongebob Squarepants. (he grins nervously. After staring for a second, Neptune booms with laughter)
Neptune: A fine jest, boy. You are but a lowly sponge. Puny, insignificant, a commoner. (with each word, Sponge deflates a little more) Therefore you could never be fry cook to a god and… this is why it is funny! (he laughs again) Now step aside as I seek out the real fry cook. (he floats over, examining everyone, but it doesn't seem he can find anyone good enough. He then stops at a guy at a hot dog stand) Aah! A purveyor of foods. Yes, you must be my new fry cook.
Vendor: Uh, sorry, King Neptune. I don't make them; I just sell them.
Neptune: Then who pulled the spatula from the grease?
Vendor: Well, he did. (points to Sponge)
Neptune: (laughs with everyone else) It is even funnier (slams his fist down, smashing the vendor cart) a second time! (he floats over to Larry) You there, crustacean!
Larry: Who, me?
Neptune: You have the physique of Atlas!
Larry: (laughing) Thanks, I work out.
Neptune: Make poses with me!
Larry: Okay!
Both: (flex their muscles, show off) Body slam!
Neptune: You pulled the spatula from the grease!
Larry: Nope, that was Spongebob.
(Sponge grins, ping)
Neptune: This joke has gone far enough! (his scepter disappears) Where's my fry cook? (everyone runs away except Pat and Sponge) Certainly you with your prodigious girth would know how to cook a burger to suit a royal palate! (Pat points to Sponge) What? Am I expected to believe that this creature is royal fry cook material? I don't suppose you have any proof? (Pat holds up the photo he took earlier, which shows Sponge wielding the golden spatula) Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the royal tail fin! And besides, it's not just enough to pull a spatula from a greasy griddle. There are certain… qualities that a royal fry cook must have.
Spongebob: Like?
Neptune: The royal fry cook must be… left-handed.
Spongebob: Actually, I've got two. (holds up two left hands)
Neptune: (snaps fingers) Also, the royal fry cook wears… red underwear. (Sponge pulls part of his red underwear from his pants) No, blue. (Sponge displays a second pair of underwear, which is blue) The royal fry cook's wallet contains… (Sponge takes out his wallet) His big toes… (Sponge picks up his foot) Uh, he has six…
Patrick: He is the new royal fry cook and you-
Neptune: Silence! (Pat is zapped and is now all black and burnt)
Patrick: Is it hot in here or what? (he falls backward)
Spongebob: (gasp) Patrick! You hurt my friend! You're not a king, you're a bully and a liar! (Neptune picks up Sponge)
Neptune: So, little one, you think you have what it takes to become my royal fry cook? I will prove your worthlessness. You will be tested with a challenge!
Patrick: (faint, down below) Bring it on! Spongebob can handle any… (Pat is blasted again) Ouch.
Neptune: Your friend's arrogance will cost you dearly. There will be two challenges.
Patrick: Only two? What are two challenges to someone like Spongebob? (Pat is zapped again)
Neptune: Three challenges!
Patrick: Three? (laughs) Three challenges is nothing. Might as well make it 500 challenges! (he's zapped again)
Neptune: ENOUGH! (Pat is now a starfish-shaped dust pile)
Patrick: He'll settle for one.
Neptune: There will be but one challenge. You will face me in… The Ultimate Cook-Off!
Spongebob: I will accept your challenge… if you fix my friend.
Neptune: Ah yes, the round one. I shall restore him. (Pat is zapped and we see him back to normal from behind)
Patrick: Spongebob? Spongebob? (he turns around and we see that his eyes and mouth are now on his behind instead of his face) Spongebob? (Sponge is lowered down from Neptune) Oh, there you are!
Spongebob: How you feeling?
Patrick: Pretty good. Say, have you gotten taller?
Neptune: And now, see the fate that may lie ahead. (Neptune zaps a cloud in the corner) For if some minute chance you meet the challenge, your reward will be great. (he opens the portal) Behold! (we see a live-action man [Tom Kenny] in the shower, who sees the audience and backs up screaming. Neptune closes the portal and laughs nervously) Woopsie. Now, behold! (he opens the portal again, revealing that ancient city from before) My beloved home of Atlantis. A prize worthy of Apollo. You will reside here in this glorious palace, cook only for me, and be a god!
Patrick: Hey, that sounds pretty good.
Neptune: But if you should not succeed, you must give up fry cooking… forever! What do you say?
Spongebob: I'm ready.
Neptune: Very well then. To the Poseidome! (Neptune creates bolts of lighting all over the place and we cut to inside a stadium where in the ring with Neptune and Sponge is Mr. Krabs, who is the announcer)
Krabs: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ultimate Cook-Off! (the crowd cheers, Neptune and Sponge step forward) All right, mates. First to a thousand patties wins. (Neptune and Sponge shakes. Neptune's hand fills with electricity and burns Sponge's arm off)
Spongebob: May the best man win. (Sponge's arm regenerates)
Krabs: Go back to your corners and when the bell sounds, start cooking! (to Sponge) Don't worry lad, I have total confidence in you. (cut to Krabs with a handful of money running to the bets window) Put it all on Neptune! (Pat, who is still in his odd condition, comes into the ring and preps Sponge)
Spongebob: I'm not good enough to cook in Atlantis, Patrick. I should have never taken the challenge.
Patrick: Don't give up on your dream, Spongebob! People used to tell me: "Patrick, you'll never amount to anything. You'll always have your head in the clouds." Well, just look at me now. (Sponge walks over to the center of the ring) Go get 'em, tiger! (Neptune comes forward and two seahorses come and put on his apron. Sponge puts on his Krusty Krew hat. Neptune, with the lift of his hand, makes wheat strands come from the ground. He zaps them into buns. Sponge takes out a package of buns and places them on the table. Neptune lifts his hands and the other essential condiments fly out of the barrels and fly around in a circle. Swordfish fly over and chop them up and they fall in neat stacks. Sponge is still seeing where to cut the tomato and chops a nice thin slice. Neptune has a grill with around twenty patties on it and zaps it, now the patties are cooked. Sponge has rubbed two sticks together to make a fire. Neptune, flinging his hands out, flips all the patties over. Sponge has a patty on a pan and is waiting for the time to flip it. With the whack of Neptune's tail, all the condiments fly on the patties in precise order. Neptune laughs triumphantly. Sponge puts two pickles on the patties and draws smiley faces on them with ketchup. He places a cheese blanket on them and kisses them. Sponge then whips out a fairy tale book and reads to them. Neptune's score is racking up as all the patties fly themselves into a pyramid. Sponge finishes his first and only patty. Neptune's score: 1000. Sponge's score: 0001)
Neptune: I win! (the crowd cheers. Sponge takes off his hat in shame) Loser! Free patties for everyone! (the crowd cheers as patties magically fly to them. They all take a bite and immediately spit them out in disgust) Fools! Have you no taste buds? There's nothing wrong with these, they're delicious! (the crowd chants for him to eat it. Neptune throws the burger down) Okay, mine's no good. But what makes you think his will be any better? (Sponge stands with a tray with his patty on it. Neptune grabs it) Give me that! (Neptune eats it and begins to like it) Mmmm… why this is so good, I'd like to try it a second time! (Neptune spits out a completely intact patty and eats it again. The crowd groans in disgust)
Spongebob: So, uh, what do you think?
Neptune: Yours is superior. Therefore, I concede to you, Spongebob Squarepants, you win. (the crowd cheers, as well as Sponge and Pat who dance)
Sponge & Pat: (sing-song) We're going to Atlantis! We're going to Atlantis! (Neptune laughs)
Spongebob: What's so funny?
Neptune: You, Spongebob. That repulsive thing in my palace?
Spongebob: You mean, Patrick can't come?
Neptune: (laughing) No, of course not.
Spongebob: And my friends…?
Neptune: Ah, the only friend you need, dear boy, is the royal grill.
Patrick: (crying and wiping his tears with a tissue) It was nice knowing you, buddy! (Krabs comes over crying)
Spongebob: I know, Mr. Krabs, I'll miss you too.
Krabs: I lost me bet! (two suitcases appear by Sponge)
Neptune: Come Spongebob, grab your things! It's time to depart… (a bicycle built for two magically appears) to Atlantis!
Spongebob: I… I… (sobbing) I don't wanna go!
Neptune: It's too late now. I can't live without your burgers. You're going to be a god and like it! (Neptune zaps Sponge and he becomes a muscular god. But being the same size, he looks a little strange) Maybe we do have a problem.
Spongebob: (booming voice) Wait, Neptune! I have another idea! (cut to the Krusty Krab, where Sponge is behind the counter. Pat walks in, still disfigured from Neptune)
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew.
Spongebob: Hi, Patrick. What'll you have? (Pat drones on drooling. Sponge hears a shout) Can you excuse me? (he looks behind at the kitchen sees Neptune at the grill holding his finger)
Neptune: This accursed stove has burnt my finger. Feel thine own wrath, stove! (he zaps the stove) Ha-ha!
Spongebob: What did I tell you about using your powers, trainee?
Neptune: (sigh) Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.