(opening scene is at a diner; a waitress is serving a customer)
Fish: (places down crossword and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pen) Oh no, I lost my pen.
Waitress: (pulling a pen out of her hair) You can borrow mine.
Fish: (takes it) Thanks.
Spongebob: I lost something once. (camera pans to a booth where Spongebob is sitting by himself, drinking) I lost something I couldn't live without... my identity.
Fish: (camera pans back to the fish and the waitress) So anyway, thanks for the pen.
Waitress: No problem, hon.
Spongebob: (walking on the countertop) It all started last week, Monday morning to be exact. "The Day I Lost My Identity."
Fish: (looks down at his watch) I've gotta go.
Spongebob: (camera fades to Spongebob's room; Spongebob is sleeping; his alarm goes off; he shoots out of bed and his blanket goes off screen) Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it! (his blanket lands on his head; he fights to get it off) Gary, help! I can't see! Gary! (Spongebob steps off bed looking for Gary) Gary, are you there!? (loses balance and falls onto the floor; his alarm then falls on him) Ow! (stands up) Gary? (walks off) Gary, buddy? I need you to be my eyes, okay? Am I near the bathroom? (Spongebob falls through a door and down the staircase; he lands in his living room and his alarm clock spits him out, shooting him through the air) Gary? (he lands face first into a window) Gare? (slides off the window into the kitchen where Gary is waiting with an empty food dish; Gary meows; Spongebob pops up happily) Gary! Now that my horrific incident of terror is over, how about some breakfast? (reaches arms off screen and grabs a can of Snailpo; breaks into song) The most important meal of the day, serving it up Gary's way! Pop! (pours can into Gary's bowl) Enjoy, buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years, and I don't even know what it tastes like. (Spongebob rolls his tongue out to taste the residue left in Gary's can; he has a look of giddy anticipation on his face; as his tongue touches the food, he makes a "blech" noise; sound waves travel through Bikini Bottom and to Snailpo World Headquarters)
Snailpo Employee: What is it, Peterson?
Peterson: I'm not sure. I feel... a disturbance. (scene goes back to Spongebob's house, where he is carrying a pair of his pants on a hanger)
Spongebob: That was the worst thing I've ever tasted. Oh well, at least I'll never have to do it again. (looks at watch) Barnacles! All these shenanigans made me late for work! (gets dressed very quickly; his pants keep ending up on the wrong body parts) Uh oh. (gets it right) All right! (walks out his door with a smile on his face; walks by Patrick)
Patrick: Hi, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Hi, Patrick! (starts singing a song while walking on a road; camera fades back to the restaurant where he is singing the song)
Waitress: Wait a minute, when exactly did you lose your identity?
Fish: Yeah, and who's Patrick? (camera pans back and the cook is hanging out the pick-up window)
Cook: And why did you eat Snailpo?
Spongebob: Ah, ah, ah, patience, good people. A great story can't be rushed. However, I will skip ahead to the Krusty Krab. (the setting is now the Krusty Krab; we see Squidward at the cash register and Spongebob coming out of the door with an order) Order up! (walks to the customer) One Krabby Patty grilled with the fiery warmth of my beating heart. Enjoy.
Customer: Thanks... uh... (gets a closer look at his shirt where his nametag would be) Oh. (sigh of reform)
Spongebob: Is there a problem?
Customer: Well, you really should be wearing a nametag so I can thank you properly.
Spongebob: (laughs) While it is against my philosophy to disagree with the customer, I must point out that I am in fact wearing a nametag. Right... (twirls his finger in the air and touches it to his shirt) here. (notices it's not there and pulls shirt out) Huh? (starts to panic, feels everywhere, and starts hyperventilating)
Squidward: (walks up to him) Uh, Spongebob...
Spongebob: Oh Squidward, it's terrible! It's the most terrible thing that's ever happened to me! I lost my nametag. (starts to cry) POURQUOI!?
Squidward: Spongebob, take it easy! I'm sure you can get a new one.
Spongebob: But I don't want a new one, Squidward! My nametag is out there somewhere: lost, hungry. Who will help it? What if someone's using it? (camera fades to Spongebob's thought bubble; the location is a bank and a robber walks in wearing Spongebob's nametag)
Robber: All right, nobody move! This is a bank robbery! Attica! (the crowd screams; camera goes back to the Krusty Krab)
Spongebob: (screams) I'm innocent, I tell you! (faints; camera fades to black; waking up at a later time; walks toward Squidward) Squidward, what happened?
Squidward: Hmm? Oh, you fainted because you lost your nametag or something.
Spongebob: (screams and grabs his shirt) Huh!? (searches everywhere again and resumes hyperventilating)
Squidward: (grabs Spongebob) Spongebob, will you get a hold of yourself? Since when is losing your nametag the end of the world? (Mr. Krabs appears out of his office)
Mr. Krabs: Attention, all employees: just a quick heads-up, boys. There's going to be a surprise uniform inspection in one hour. Anyone who doesn't pass gets the boot! (Spongebob and Squidward blink; Mr. Krabs then pulls a boot from behind his back) This boot, to be exact. It's very stinky, and you'll have to wear it all day. See you in an hour. (Spongebob starts hyperventilating again)
Squidward: Spongebob, if you really want to find your nametag, just retrace your steps.
Spongebob: Retrace my steps? Squidward, you're a genius!
Squidward: (stutters) A genius? Well, I don't know about that, but I... (starts to chuckle; Spongebob interrupts him)
Spongebob: Cover me 'til I get back, okay? (walks off)
Squidward: Oh, sure, sure. (chuckles; still on his ego trip) A genius? Well, how about... (realizes that Spongebob walked off, gets angry) Hey!
Spongebob: (walking on the road) Let's see... if I'm going to retrace my steps, I gotta remember everything I did this morning. (walks by Patrick)
Patrick: Hi, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Oh hi, Patrick. (runs back to Patrick) You said hi to me this morning, right?
Patrick: As I do every morning.
Spongebob: Well, I need you to do it again.
Patrick: (defensive) That wasn't part of the deal, Squarepants!
Spongebob: Patrick, what are you talking about?
Patrick: My hellos aren't just some tape recording that you can rewind and play over and over. They're special!
Spongebob: Patrick, this is an emergency! I lost my name tag this morning, and I need to retrace my steps.
Patrick: You lost your name tag? (starts hyperventilating like Spongebob did earlier; bubbles fade to the next scene where Spongebob is hanging out of his window, looking down on Patrick)
Spongebob: Okay, Patrick, you know the plan, right?
Patrick: I got it, I got it. You're gonna retrace your steps and when you walk by me I say "hi", just like this morning.
Spongebob: (gives a thumbs up) Perfect. Hmm, I guess I should start with when I woke up. (now in bed) I sure hope this works. (pretends to go to sleep; springs up) Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it! (blanket falls on Spongebob; he screams and falls off the bed; the alarm clock falls on his head; he stands up and starts to walk off) So far, so good. (falls down the staircase; he lands in the living room and the alarm clock shoots him out into the air) I don't see my nametag up here. (lands face first into the window; slides into the kitchen; stands up) Now that my horrific moment of terror is over, how about some breakfast? (reaches off screen and gets a can of Snailpo; breaks into song) The most important meal of the day, serving it up Gary's way. (pours can into Gary's bowl; tastes it again with a "blech") Okay, next I just have to walk outside and say hi to Patrick. (walks outside and past Patrick; Patrick says nothing) Patrick!
Spongebob: You were supposed to say hi to me.
Spongebob: (mad) All right, let's take it from the top. (walks off)
Patrick: Hi, Spongebob.
Spongebob: Don't forget your line this time!
Patrick: I won't.
Spongebob: Good morning, world, and all who inhabit it. (falls down the stairs) The most important meal of the day... (fades off) Gary's way. Blech. (walks by Patrick who, again, says nothing) Patrick, why didn't you say hi to me?
Patrick: What's my motivation?
Spongebob: Forget the motivation! Just say hi! (walks off; scene shows him falling out of bed and down the stairs, flying across the air, and landing face first in the window; new scene is Spongebob standing beside Patrick, angry)
Patrick: Hi, Patrick. Oh wait, I'm Patrick! I'm sorry, sorry. (laughs) I'm sorry. Let's try it again! (scene shows Spongebob falling out of bed and down the stairs, flying across the air, landing face first in the window, and tasting the Snailpo; cuts back to Patrick outside) Hi, Spongeboob. Ha! Spongeboob! I sai- (laughs) Who's Spongeboob? I said Spongeboob! (still laughing) Again, again, sorry people. (cuts back to Spongebob falling out of bed and down the stairs, Spongebob singing the important meal jingle, then face in the window; back outside to Patrick, who is trying to hold in a laugh) I've got the giggles.
Spongebob: Oh, what's the use? I'll never find my nametag in time for inspection.
Patrick: Well, what did you do after I said hi to you this morning?
Spongebob: Hmm, let's see. (thought bubble appears above Spongebob) I skipped merrily to the Krusty Krab, said hello to Old Man Jenkins (Spongebob in the thought bubble says "Hi, Mr. J."), placed an apple on Mr. Krabs's desk... and that's about it. Oh, and these two guys threw me in the dumpster. (camera shows Spongebob being thrown into the dumpster; he laughs and says, "Good one, guys!"; he tries to get out and falls back in; camera goes back to Spongebob and Patrick)
Patrick: That's it! Your nametag is in the apple on Mr. Krabs's desk!
Spongebob: Patrick, you're a genius! Oh wait, he's probably thrown it away by now.
Patrick: Well then, we'll look in the dumpster! (new scene is the dumpster outside of the Krusty Krab)
Spongebob: Ehh, what is that stench?
Patrick: That is the stench of discovery! Come on, buddy. I'll give you a boost. (Patrick gets on all fours) Hop on, pal. (Spongebob dives into the dumpster)
Spongebob: Hey, it's not so bad once you get used to it.
Patrick: I wish I had a nose.
Spongebob: Come on in, buddy! The garbage is fine.
Patrick: Cannonball! (Patrick does a cannonball into the dumpster, pops up from the murk, spits out trash juice, and laughs)
Spongebob: You look over there and I'll look over here.
Patrick: Okay. (Patrick digs through things and throws the trash on Spongebob)
Patrick: I'm looking, I'm looking...
Spongebob: Patrick... Patrick...
Patrick: I'm looking as fast as I can!
Spongebob: PATRICK! (Patrick stops, turns around, and sees Spongebob covered in trash) Thank you.
Patrick: (walks over to Spongebob and starts to pull trash off of him) Here, let me get that. Hey, look! A Stingray 5000 single! Hey, these guys rock! Why would anybody throw this away?
Spongebob: (shoots his arms out, throwing the trash off of him) Have you forgotten what we're looking for knee-deep in yesterday's Top 40 songs?!
Spongebob: I'll give you a hint. Two words. First word: my. Second word: nametag.
Patrick: Could I have another hint?
Spongebob: Patrick, I would love to sit here and play Twenty Questions with you, but I've only got (looks at watch) one minute 'til inspection. (screams) ONE MINUTE!? (goes through things quickly) Hurry, Patrick! We don't have much time. (panics)
Patrick: (notices nametag on the back of Spongebob's shirt) Hey Spongebob...
Spongebob: Not now, Patrick.
Patrick: I know where your nametag is.
Spongebob: (turns around) Where, where!?
Patrick: Uh, I can't remember.
Spongebob: Patrick, I don't have time for this! (turns back around and digs through trash)
Patrick: There it is!
Patrick: Uh... I forgot again.
Spongebob: Patrick, are you with me or against me?
Patrick: Could you give me a hint? (Spongebob turns back around) There! I see it!
Spongebob: Yeah, yeah, yeah... the boy who cried nametag. If you're not going to help me, then just go crawl back under your rock!
Patrick: (angry) Well, at least I don't wear my shirt backwards.
Spongebob: My shirt backward... what the... (bends head back to his back and sees his nametag) My shirt's on backwards! I had my identity all along. (spins shirt back around; looks at watch) Oh, and just in time. Thanks, Patrick. (holds hand out for a handshake)
Patrick: (puts his arm out) Don't mention it, buddy. (bubble transition appears; new scene is the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Fall in for inspection! All right, you two... (walks up to Squidward, inspects him) Hat and uniform seem to be in order. (notices hairs on Squidward's nose) Hmm, promise me you'll shave tonight and you pass.
Mr. Krabs: Okay, boy, your turn.
Spongebob: (salutes Mr. Krabs) I think you'll find everything shipshape.
Mr. Krabs: (sniffs Spongebob) Blech! Jumpin' jellyfish! What's that stench?
Spongebob: Uh... discovery? (Mr. Krabs picks Spongebob up and sets him outside of the building; he virtually reappears back in the diner where he is finishing his story) And that's how I got my identity back. Well, that's my story. (the Fish yawns)
Waitress: (looks down at watch) Well, you managed to kill 11 minutes.
Spongebob: (laughs) Thanks, uh... (looks at the waitress's nametag) Betty.
Waitress: What? (looks down at nametag) Oh, sweetie, I'm not Betty. I just borrowed her uniform while mine's at the cleaners.