Mid-Life Crustacean
written by C.H. Greenblatt, Kaz, and Mark O'Hare
typed by Sarah exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(scene shows Mr. Krabs waking up from the hammock in his bedroom, radio alarm clock starts playing)
Radio: You've got it tuned to KOLD, K-Old, your all-oldies station. Here's a little something you may remember from the good old days. (song begins)
Singers: You're old, groaning like a geezer. (Mr. Krabs opens his eyes covered with white, crusty gunk) Yourself a-crackin' like an old has-been. (he gets out of bed, joints cracking, and walks to the bathroom) Look at yourself, old man, you've got multiple chins... (looking in the mirror, he pulls down the neck of his nightshirt to reveal lots of chins) ...'cause you're ooooold...
(new scene in the kitchen; Mr. Krabs enters, joints still cracking, and sits down at the table; his daughter Pearl bounds in)
Pearl: Good morning, Daddy! (kisses him) I made you breakfast.
Mr. Krabs: Thank you, sweet pea. I see you got creative with the bran today. (he looks down at the food Pearl has given him; there is bran arranged into the shape of bacon, eggs, a glass of juice, a fork, and a grapefruit half)
Pearl: Open up! It's time for the pill! (she hefts a huge blue-and-yellow pill onto the table; it takes up half of the tabletop)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, barnacles, I hate the pill. (gulps it down; exhales) Pearl, do you think I'm... old?
Pearl: Well, of course I do! But that's okay. Daddies are supposed to be old.
Mr. Krabs: But I'm still cool, right? Your old man is cool?
Pearl: See, no one says cool anymore. That's such an old-person thing. Now we say "coral", as in, "That nose job is so coral!"
Mr. Krabs: Coral, eh?
Pearl: Eww. When you say it, it sounds so un-coral.
Mr. Krabs: Well, what if I said it with a different inflection? Co-ral.
Pearl: (peeved) Don't you have to go to work or something, Dad?
Mr. Krabs: Whoop! You're right! (picks up the plate and eats breakfast in one gulp) Have a coral day, honey!
Pearl: (dials number on phone) Jenny? It's Pearl. "Coral" is definitely out.
(new scene; Mr. Krabs is walking to work)
Mr. Krabs: Ha! Old? What was I thinkin'? I ain't old. Huh? (he turns around to see a teenage boy ushering him)
Boy: Don't worry, Pops. We're almost across the street.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, get away from me. I don't need no snot-nosed little... (his arm detaches from his body, remaining in the boy's hands; Mr. Krabs grabs it back, speaking to us, the viewers) Sorry you had to see that. (he continues walking to work; a random fish starts walking behind him, annoyed)
Fish: Come on. Move it. Could you be any slower? And you've had your blinker on for the last five blocks! (Mr. Krabs turns his head around to see two digital arrows attached to his butt; the right one is flashing like a turn signal; he passes three kids playing with a ball, which rolls toward him)
Kid: Hey, mister, could you throw the ball back over here?
Mr. Krabs: (picks up the ball) Hey, how's about I join you kids?
Kid: (looks at his two friends then back to Mr. Krabs) Uh, that's okay. You can keep it. Why do old people always have to ruin the fun?
(Mr. Krabs drops the ball, looking dejected; sighs while passing a single-file line of elderly people)
Old Guy #1: Hey, no cuttin'! You gotta wait your turn like everybody else! (Mr. Krabs sees that they are lined up in front of the Bikini Bottom Cemetery and freaks out)
Mr. Krabs: No! No! I ain't old like you! I ain't old! I ain't old!!! (runs away)
Old Guy #2: What's his problem? (camera zooms out; we see that the line of elderly people is actually for ice cream)
Vendor: (scoops ice cream) Next.
(new scene in the Krusty Krab; a depressed Mr. Krabs is sitting at one of the tables; at a nearby table is a mother with her child)
Child: Mommy, my Krabby Patty tastes funny.
Mother: Well, no wonder. It's all old and dried out, like that man right there. (gestures to Mr. Krabs) Now put that thing where it belongs: in the garbage.
(child gets up and begins "la la la"-ing happily while walking with his Krabby Patty on a tray; Mr. Krabs extends an arm and grabs the Krabby Patty from the tray, unbeknownst to the child)
Mr. Krabs: Well, little patty, we're two of a kind. We've both lost our luster. (takes a bite) Mm. So that's what I taste like.
Patrick: (enters the Krusty Krab) Good morning, Krusty Krew!
Spongebob: (pokes his head out of the kitchen window, screaming) Hey Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight!?
Patrick: (also screaming) Yeah! It's gonna rock!
Spongebob: Are you ready to go crazy!?
Patrick: I'm already hearing voices!
Spongebob: Are you ready t--
Squidward: SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! Do you mind!?
Spongebob: Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick. I think SOME people are eavesdropping!
Patrick: Well, how rude of some people!
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Those youngsters are going out for a big night on the town. (pokes his eyes into the kitchen, where Spongebob and Patrick are now chatting)
Spongebob: Woo! I've been looking forward to this night all week!
Patrick: Party!
Spongebob: What do you think we should do first?
Patrick: What shouldn't we do first? We're young. (Mr. Krabs's eyes move closer to Spongebob and Patrick) We've got wheels. (eyes move even closer) The world is our oyster! Spongebob, you got something on your shoulder.
(Spongebob turns to see Mr. Krabs's eyes on both of his shoulders)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, boys! Hangin' out?
Patrick: (looks down at his overly flabby gut) Yes.
Mr. Krabs: I couldn't help overhearing your big plans. And I was wondering if you had room for one more craaaaazy dude tonight, huh?!
Spongebob: Of course. Did you wanna come with us, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, hadn't even crossed me mind. But, sure, I'll go!
Patrick: (lowers an eyebrow) I don't know, Spongebob. He might cramp our style.
Spongebob and Patrick: (a picture of them appears on screen; they look kind of hobo-ish and dazed) Style!
Patrick: Let's see if he knows the secret cool-guy handshake. (holds out hand)
Mr. Krabs: Uh, yeah, course I know it! (dramatic music starts, Mr. Krabs begins sweating) Uh... uh...
Patrick: I'm waiting... old man.
Mr. Krabs: (shakes Patrick's hand) Uh... how do you do?
Patrick: (happily) Fine, and you? All right, you're in. (lowers brows again) But I'm not happy about it.
Spongebob: You passed the test, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Great! Why don't you boys show up at my house at eight o'clock?
Spongebob: I just want to warn you, Mr. Krabs; we're always fashionably late!
Narrator: 8:01 PM.
(new scene at Mr. Krabs's house; doorbell rings and Mr. Krabs answers)
Spongebob: Hey there, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready to party?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party?
Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Spongebob?
Spongebob: Oh, I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, Spongebob?
Spongebob: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, Patrick?
Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to par--?
Pearl: (runs past, crying) Stop it! Just stop it! You're embarrassing me, Dad!
Mr. Krabs: So, what kind of hot rod will we be cruising in tonight?
Spongebob: Only the most powerful chick magnet in town. The Underwater Heartbreaker.
(they go outside; we see that the "Heartbreaker" is aptly named; it is actually a bicycle built for two, complete with streamers on the handlebars)
Mr. Krabs: It's more like a chick repellent. And there's only two seats!
Spongebob: Calm your waters, Mr. Krabs. I modified this little baby myself.
(new scene shows Spongebob and Patrick driving the bicycle, towing Mr. Krabs in a wagon behind them)
Mr. Krabs: Are you sure this is what the kids are driving these days?
Spongebob: Only the cool kids.
(a true hot rod pulls up, traveling beside the bike/wagon combo; it is driven by a young guy with sunglasses and his date)
Young Guy: Hey, you guys must be lost. Doofus Drive is around the corner!
Spongebob: We're not lost! I've got my compass!
Young Guy: So long, dorks! (laughs and speeds away)
Spongebob: Goodbye, pals!
Mr. Krabs: We used to beat people up for saying things like that! Everything's all topsy-turvy now! (they pull up to a place called "THE WASH!")
Spongebob: Here we are! The Wash. (they get out of the vehicle)
Mr. Krabs: They sure are giving these clubs some crazy names! I have to tell you boys... I'm a little nervous. I haven't been, you know, "on the scene" for quite a while now.
Spongebob: Just follow our lead, Mr. Krabs. And, above all, keep it cool.
Mr. Krabs: Cool. Gotcha.
(Spongebob and Patrick bounce away goofily, their eyes crossed and arms and legs flailing; Mr. Krabs looks on in confusion then does the same)
Spongebob: (opening the doors to The Wash) Hello, gang! Spongebob's back!
Patrick: Let's party!
Mr. Krabs: Any port in a stor--! (stops being crazy) Wait a minute. This is a laundromat.
(new scene at a washer; blurry images of Spongebob, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick are spinning around)
Spongebob and Patrick: (whooping it up) Oh yeah! Woo! That's what I'm talking about! Oh, yeah, yeah, the colors! (washer stops; we see that the three were simply standing outside the washer door, watching it)
Spongebob: You guys want another rinse cycle? I'm buying!
Mr. Krabs: You know, I love staring at delicates as much as the next guy, but it's just that I thought we'd see more of the nightlife. Something that'll give you that wild and crazy hot-blooded feeling, if you know what I mean.
Spongebob: Oh, I know what you mean, Mr. Krabs. This is only stop numero uno on our night of debauchery!
Patrick: Debauchery!
Mr. Krabs: Debauchery! (new scene under the highway, picking up trash) Debauchery? I never thought of picking up trash under the highway as hot-blooded, but if it's what the kids are into...
Spongebob: So, are you feeling that wild and crazy feeling, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Not yet.
Spongebob: Don't worry, you will. (scene changes to the three in a kiddie pool) Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm feeling a warm spot.
Patrick: Sorry.
Spongebob: (scene changes to riding the machines outside the Barg'N-Mart) Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? Are you feeling it?
Patrick: I'm feeling it, Spongebob!
Spongebob: Patrick, that's not a ride! (the camera zooms out and we see Patrick hitching a piggyback ride on a customer pushing his cart)
Customer: Get offa me!
Spongebob: (scene changes to the trio getting teeth pulled) Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? (scene changes to the trio putting shingles on a roof) Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? (scene changes to the trio dressed in fantasy costumes, Spongebob in an elf outfit) Art thou feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? (scene changes to library; Spongebob speaks softly) Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? (a librarian "shush"es them; scene changes to Bunny Buns, a play area for kids) How about now? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?
Kids: (are circling Mr. Krabs with colorful streamers; he is in the center with his face painted clown-like) Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs? Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: So, you wanna know if I can feel it?
Spongebob and Patrick: Yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Do you really wanna know if I can feel it?
Spongebob and Patrick: Yeah, yeah!!
Mr. Krabs: Because I can feel it. You wanna know what I'm feelin'?
Spongebob and Patrick: Yes!!!
Mr. Krabs: (finally snaps) I'm feelin' like a total barnacle head! (flings kids away; holds up streamers) You think this is cool? (jumps over to oversized brightly-colored bunny and punches its head away) How about this? (jumps on top of bunny's body) And this? Am I with it now? (gets in Spongebob and Patrick's faces) You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the aft end! (exits Bunny Buns; Spongebob and Patrick follow) I'm going home. You guys ain't cool. You're lame.
Spongebob: (stops, heartbroken) Lame?
Mr. Krabs: Lame! You're nerds, geeks, creeps, and babies!
Spongebob and Patrick: Not babies! (begin sucking their thumbs)
Mr. Krabs: I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night. So good night to you.
Patrick: I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Mr. Krabs: The what?
Patrick: I said, I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Mr. Krabs: Panty raid? You're talking about girls, right? Girl girls?
Patrick: Yeah.
Mr. Krabs: And you're talking about raiding their dressers for their underpants, right?
Patrick: Oh yeah.
Mr. Krabs: Well, count me in! If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two being lame!
Spongebob and Patrick: (a picture of them appears like before, except they look normal) Not lame!
(new scene; the trio is carrying a ladder)
Mr. Krabs: Now this is more like it! (they prop the ladder up against a house)
Patrick: Give us some credit, old man. We're panty professionals! (he climbs the ladder into the second-story window)
Spongebob: We score here all the time! (climbs ladder; Mr. Krabs follows, wearing a big grin; they tiptoe through the bedroom)
Mr. Krabs: (opens a dresser drawer and pulls out a pair of underwear) Frilly things! We hit the jackpot! (the three jump excitedly)
Spongebob: Oh yeah, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (holds up the panties proudly) You finally came through for me, boys! I feel young again! (light clicks on)
Female Voice: Eugene?
Mr. Krabs: Mother?
Mrs. Krabs: What are you doing with my bloomers?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I, uh, uh, hee, hehe... (turns to Spongebob and Patrick angrily) Why didn't you tell me this was my mother's house?
Spongebob: Why didn't you ask? (he and Patrick run away quickly)
Mr. Krabs: (turns back to his mother, smiling and sweating nervously) But it was all Spongebob and Patrick's idea!
Mrs. Krabs: Go to your room, mister! You're grounded for the rest of the night!
Mr. Krabs: (walks away dejectedly) Yes, Mommy.
Boy: (from earlier in the episode) Don't worry, Pops. We're almost to your room. (Mr. Krabs groans; new scene in his bedroom)
Spongebob: (pokes his head through the window) Sorry, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: (sighs) That's all right, lad. I certainly feel younger. (camera zooms out to show Mr. Krabs's race-car-shaped bed)
Spongebob: (leaves) Good night, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Good night, Spongebob.
Mrs. Krabs: Eugene! Lights out!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, Mommy.