Krab Borg
written by Paul Tibbitt, Kent Osborne, and Mark O'Hare
typed by Aaron exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(scene opens at Spongebob's house, at night; the TV is on)
Narrator: We now return to tonight's Creepy Time Theater presentation of "Night of the Robot". (Spongebob is sitting in front of the TV munching on popcorn; in the movie, a live-action man is being chased by a large, tin robot)
Spongebob: Hurry, Gary! The scary robot movie's on.
Gary: (slithers up next to Spongebob; reluctantly) Meow.
Spongebob: What do you mean I shouldn't watch this? Scary movies don't always freak me out. (cuts to Spongebob lying in bed on his back, trembling) What if Mom is a robot? What if Uncle Sherm is a robot? (ominous music begins) What if Gary is a robot? (looks down at Gary, who is asleep next to the bed) Gary? Psst! Gary? Garebear? (pokes Gary's eye; the snail awakens)
Gary: (annoyed) Meow.
Spongebob: Gary, if you were a robot, you'd tell me, right?
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: Aw, I've got nothing to worry about. And now to get a good night's sleep. (goes back to sleep; a dream cloud appears above his head, containing an image of Spongebob screaming and running away from the robot from the movie; the next day, Spongebob stands at the grill in the Krusty Krab; his eyes are extremely bloodshot as he stands completely stiff; he turns around and sees a figure that looks like a robot) Robot! Oh my gosh! (the figure is revealed to be a sack of potatoes, a broom, a dustpan, and a metal bucket; Spongebob laughs nervously)
Mr. Krabs: (sitting at the desk in his office, managing his money) How about a little music to count me money to? (turns on a portable radio sitting on the desk)
DJ: And now for the #1 song in Bikini Bottom: "Electric Zoo". (a techno song begins)
Mr. Krabs: Hey, that's pretty catchy. Beep beep boop bop. Beep beep boop beep. Yeah, that's not bad. I love this young people's music.
Spongebob: (still stands in front of the grill, nervous; the deep fryer beeps loudly; Spongebob throws his arms in the air) I surrender! Oh.
Squidward: Spongebob!
Spongebob: (screams; his hat flies off his head and lands on Squidward's nose) Squidward, why are you wearing my hat on your nose?
Squidward: (takes the hat off his nose and puts it back on Spongebob's head) I'm not wearing your hat on my nose, I'm waiting for #17's order!
Spongebob: #17. (holds up a tray of food) Krabby Patty and a medium beverage. Course. Sorry Squidward, I'm not really feeling myself today. I guess I'm a little bit jumpy. I keep thinking robots are taking over the world, probably on account of this movie I watched last night where robots take over the world. I even asked Gary if he was a robot! Pretty funny, huh?
Squidward: (sarcastically) Hilarious. Just deliver the food.
Spongebob: (brings the tray to the customer) There you go! Enjoy your... say, you're not a robot, are you?
Customer: No, I'm not.
Spongebob: Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're everywhere. Back to work! (runs away; walks by Mr. Krabs's office)
Mr. Krabs: (inside his office) I feel completely recharged!
Spongebob: (stops) That sounds like Mr. Krabs. (peeks into his window)
Mr. Krabs: Come on, little buddy, play it again. (shakes his radio) Please? One more time. For me.
Spongebob: (sinks down) That was strange. Mr. Krabs was talking to his radio, and he said he feels recharged. (laughs) If I didn't know better, I'd say he was... (the camera zooms in and Spongebob looks grave) a robot. Nah...
Mr. Krabs: (on the phone) Yes! Hello. I was wondering if you could play that song again.
DJ: Hmm... which one, man?
Mr. Krabs: The one that goes "bee boo boo bop, boo boo beep".
DJ: No, man. You're thinking of "bee boo boo bop, boo boo bop". (Spongebob stares in the window, horrified)
Mr. Krabs: Bee boo boo, boo boo bop? Bee boo boo bop? Boo boo beep bop? Not "bee boo boo beep"? Bop? Beep?! Boo boo bop!
Spongebob: (screams and sinks down from the window again) Oh... oh my gosh. Why was Mr. Krabs making all those beeping sounds? Could it be that he's... (camera zooms in) a robot? Nah... (peeks in the window again and gasps; Mr. Krabs is on his desk, dancing strangely to "Electric Zoo"; Spongebob jumps into Squidward's arms) Oh, Squidward! It's terrible! Mr. Krabs... talking to radio... beeping sounds... strange dancing... robot!
Squidward: (picks Spongebob up) That's great, Spongebob. Why don't you work on this problem back in the kitchen? (tosses Spongebob through the kitchen window; starts to chuckle; Spongebob pops up next to him, Squidward looks bewildered)
Spongebob: I'm serious Squidward! Mr. Krabs is a robot! And I can prove it too!
Squidward: (still confused about how Spongebob reappeared so quickly) How did you...?
Spongebob: Let's see, in the movie the robot's didn't have a sense of humor! They couldn't laugh. Hey, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (runs up to the counter) What is it, boy?
Spongebob: Squidward just told me a hilarious joke and I thought you might like to hear it.
Mr. Krabs: Is it true, Squidward? Is it hilarious?
Squidward: Um... eh, sure.
Mr. Krabs: Well, let's hear it, lad.
Spongebob: Okay, here it goes! Uh, how'd it go Squidward?
Squidward: (laughs) Uh, it went, um, uh, let's see, uh... why couldn't the eleven-year-old get into the pirate movie?
Mr. Krabs: Why?
Squidward: It was rated "Arr!" (starts cracking up; neither Spongebob nor Mr. Krabs laughs) Arr! Heh, because it's... about... pirates.
Mr. Krabs: I'm not paying you to do stand up, Mr. Squidward! Now get back to work!
Spongebob: (gasps) Not even a chuckle. See, Squidward? He didn't laugh because he couldn't laugh because he's... (camera zooms in) a robot!
Squidward: There's a logical explanation why he didn't laugh, Spongebob. He's obviously heard it before. The only reason you think Krabs is a robot is because you watched that stupid movie. Now why don't you...?
Spongebob: Hey, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (runs up) What?! What is it, boy?
Spongebob: Squidward's father... never hugged him. Isn't that sad?! (starts to cry)
Mr. Krabs: Yes, I suppose that is rather sad, but Squidward can hug himself during his break. Now get back to work! (leaves)
Spongebob: Just like the robot in the movie. He couldn't cry either.
Squidward: Spongebob, this is getting ridiculous! I'll have you know my father loved me very much!
Spongebob: That's the final test, Squidward. The love test. Robots can't love.
Squidward: No, wait, Spongebob!
Spongebob: Hey, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: (runs up) What is it, Spongebob?!
Spongebob: I just wanted to tell you that Squidward loves you! (Squidward looks uneasy)
Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, Mr. Squidward.
Spongebob: (gasps) Squidward?
Mr. Krabs: (sits back down at his desk; "Electric Zoo" is still playing; he starts writing on a piece of paper when the radio breaks) radio died! (takes the batteries out of it) Hmm, these batteries still have a little juice in 'em. I know! I'll give 'em to Pearl for Christmas. (puts the batteries in his pocket; a bell dings; Mr. Krabs runs over to a boiling pot of water) Me hard-boiled egg is ready! (picks up a pair of metal tongs) I can already taste it. Come to Papa. (lifts the egg out of the water with tongs) Gotcha! And what good is a hard-boiled egg without a little salt? (starts sprinkling salt on it)
Spongebob: (in the main room) Mr. Krabs!!!
Mr. Krabs: Wha...?! (squeezes the egg too hard, causing it to break) Ahh!!! (accidentally tosses the full salt shaker into his eyes) Oh! My eyes! AHHHHH!
Spongebob: Mr....!
Squidward: (covers Spongebob's mouth) Will you be quiet?! Now listen, what did these robots in the movie look like?
Spongebob: Well, they had piercing red eyes, metal pinchers for hands, and they ran on batteries!
Squidward: Okay, so tell me, does Mr. Krabs look anything like that?
Mr. Krabs: (slams open his office door, screaming at the top of his lungs; his eyes are burning red from the salt, he is pinching the metal tongs, and the two batteries are still sticking out of his pocket; Spongebob and Squidward scream; Mr. Krabs runs into the bathroom)
Squidward: I'll evacuate the customers, you call the navy!
Spongebob: (runs over and picks up a phone on the wall) Hello, Operator? Get me the navy!
Operator: Hello, you've reached the navy's automated phone service.
Spongebob: Squidward, the robots are running the navy!
Squidward: Not the navy! (into the microphone) Attention, everyone! Run for your lives! Robots have taken over the world! (the customers stare at him) Our world! (the customers drop everything and run out of the restaurant, screaming; Spongebob and Squidward hide underneath the counter) What do we do now?
Spongebob: I don't know! Hey, a nickel.
Squidward: Spongebob.
Spongebob: Sorry.
Mr. Krabs: (exits the bathroom, wiping his eyes with a towel) Ah...that's better. (walks past the counter) Bee boo boo boo beep bop. Boo boo bop.
Squidward: We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs. But how?
Spongebob: Well, in the movie, the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.
Squidward: They... poop on the robot?
Spongebob: Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop, ask questions, get information.
Squidward: I never thought I'd say this, but Spongebob, let's get that poop! (grabs a book entitled "How to Torture"; Spongebob grabs a book; Squidward grabs a saw and hammer; Spongebob grabs a stack of comedy records; the two then enter Mr. Krabs's office)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, hello boys. What can I do for you? (Spongebob and Squidward shut the door behind them and lock it; they start approaching Mr. Krabs's desk) Heh, why did you lock the door? Why do you have that rope? Who's watching the cash register?! (from outside the Krusty Krab, various crashing sounds are heard; now, back inside, Mr. Krabs is tied to his chair) Spongebob! Squidward! What's the meaning of this?! Untie me this instant!
Squidward: Shut up! (slaps Mr. Krabs across the face)
Mr. Krabs: Sweet Davy Jones, what the heck is going on?!
Squidward: I said shut up, you bucket of bolts! (slaps him again)
Spongebob: I can't take it! (runs off, whimpering; Squidward approaches him)
Squidward: Spongebob, are you okay?
Spongebob: Oh, Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!
Squidward: No, that's not Mr. Krabs. That's Robot Krabs. (Mr. Krabs struggles to get out of the chair)
Spongebob: Oh yeah.
Squidward: And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know.
Spongebob: (suavely) Right. (runs up to Mr. Krabs and slaps him)
Squidward: (walks up) Spongebob, you gotta ask him a question first.
Spongebob: Oh yeah. What color is my underwear? (slaps him)
Squidward: Spongebob, let me handle this. (turns off the light and turns on a police-interrogation-ish light over Mr. Krabs's head) Where's Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs.
Squidward: (slaps him again) We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs!
Spongebob: Where's Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs!
Squidward: Where's Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!
Spongebob: This is one stubborn robot.
Mr. Krabs: WHAT?! (the sound of his voice knocks Spongebob and the light over) YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?!
Squidward: We don't think, we know.
Mr. Krabs: That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I am Mr. Krabs!!!
Squidward: (walks over to Spongebob) He's not cracking. We'll never get it out of him this way.
Spongebob: I got an idea. (pokes Squidward's nose) Keep an eye on him, Squidward. Don't fall for any of his robo-tricks. (runs out of the office and returns a few seconds later) If Robot Krabs won't tell us where Mr. Krabs is, maybe one of his little robot friends will. (holds up a blender)
Squidward: Spongebob, uh... that's a blender.
Spongebob: Yeah, but I saw Mr. Krabs talking with his radio before. He called it his "little buddy".
Squidward: Oh really? Put it on the table, Spongebob.
Mr. Krabs: You're gonna interrogate my blender? You're crazy.
Squidward: We're just gonna see what your "little buddy" knows. (Spongebob puts the blender on the desk; Squidward holds up a bat)
Mr. Krabs: No, wait! What are you gonna do to me blender? That cost me money!
Squidward: Where's Mr. Krabs? (the blender just sits there) Not talking, eh? (smashes the blender)
Mr. Krabs: No!!! That cost me $24.95!
Spongebob: I guess it didn't know anything.
Squidward: Go get the toaster. (Spongebob gets a toaster and puts it on the desk)
Mr. Krabs: No! Not me toaster! That cost me $32.50! (Squidward smashes the toaster; Spongebob picks up a juice blender) $62.67! (Squidward smashes it; Spongebob picks up a coffee maker)
Mr. Krabs: Four... well, actually, that one was a gift. (Squidward smashes it) NO!!!
Spongebob: (carries the cash register over) This is the last robot, Squidward.
Mr. Krabs: No!!! Not my cash register! I raised it myself. I got it when it was just a little calculator. (starts crying) Nooooo!!! (cries even louder)
Squidward: I thought you said robots can't cry.
Spongebob: I also said they couldn't love.
Mr. Krabs: I loved it like it was me own.
Spongebob: Uh, at least he's not laughing.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I remember the laughs we used to share.
Squidward: Spongebob, how did that movie of yours end?
Spongebob: The movie? Oh, yeah! The ending was great! Turns out there weren't any robots after all. It was just their... imagination. (realizes the significance of this statement; chuckles nervously and checks his watch) Hey, it's time to feed Gary. (runs away)
Squidward: (looks at Mr. Krabs) Hah. (takes out a broom and starts sweeping up the glass)
Mr. Krabs: (growls) Squidward!!!!!