Karate Choppers
written by Aaron Springer, Erik Wiese, and Merriwether Williams
typed by Aaron exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(episode begins with Spongebob walking backwards; he quickly turns to the right, then to the left, then he continues walking backwards until he bumps into the door of his house)
Spongebob: (gasps and turns around; karate chops the door) Hi-yah! Oh, sorry, pineapple house. I thought you were someone else. (opens the door and walks inside; wipes sweat off his forehead) Ah, what a great day at work. (footsteps sound) Huh? (puts his hands up) Yeah... (tiptoes over to the couch; with each step he makes, a duck quack sounds; he growls and looks down at the toy ducks he had been stepping on, then kicks one away; runs up to the couch) I know you're back there, Sandy! And I also know that nobody can hide from Sponge... (leaps behind the couch and realizes that nobody is there) Bob. (stands up against the couch; his eyes sink into his head and poke out through the couch on the other side; he looks around, then runs out) I got you now! Hi-yah! (nobody is there except for him) Well, I guess the coast is clear. (sits down on the couch and turns on the TV; a live-action comedian fish is on it)
Comedian Fish: Yeah, shopping's weird. Did you ever go into the seafood aisle and say "who eats this stuff?" (canned laughter is heard)
Spongebob: (laughs) I love this show! (camera zooms out to reveal Sandy, sitting on the couch next to Spongebob)
Sandy: Me too!
Spongebob: (jumps off the couch and screams; karate chops Sandy) Hi-yah!
Sandy: (pulls her two green foam hands out from behind her back and karate chops him back) Hoo-ah!
Spongebob: (does a slow-motion high kick) Hoo! Ah! (Sandy runs off-screen then dives back in, toward Spongebob, but he dodges her by lifting up the upper half of his body) Uh, just a second. (runs off and returns wearing his red karate gear) Safety first! (winks) And now, spin technique! (spins around in the air, chanting, then dives at Sandy, who stops his foot with her hand)
Sandy: Hi-yah! Wah! (goes to karate chop him)
Spongebob: (grabs Sandy's hand and starts twisting her around) Double overhand squirrel knot! (stops twisting her and lifts her up; she is now tied in a round knot; he rolls her away like a bowling ball, and she crashes through the door)
Sandy: I'm gonna get you tomorrow, Spongebob! (leaves)
Spongebob: That'll be the day. (starts spinning his arms and legs) Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! (cuts to Sandy's treedome at night; Sandy is sitting in a rocking chair, reading a book and humming; her phone rings)
Sandy: (picks up the phone) Hello? (Spongebob's arm and giant foam hand comes through the phone and starts swiping at Sandy)
Spongebob: Hi-yah! (at home) Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Yah!
Sandy: (grabs Spongebob's arm and bends it into the other end of the phone, which pops out at the other end and knocks him away) Nice try, Spongebrain! (hangs up the phone; cuts to the Barg'n-Mart, the next day; Sandy is walking down the cereal aisle with a shopping cart; a box of Kelpo falls off the shelf behind her; she quickly turns around and karate chops the air) Hah! (looks down at the spilled box) Ha! Silly me. (keeps walking; Spongebob is standing in front of her in full karate gear; she stops her cart and gasps)
Spongebob: Hey Sandy, have you ever heard the one about the squirrel and the tin cans?
Sandy: I don't think so.
Spongebob: Well, it goes like this! (reaches his arm to another aisle and ricochets it off of one of the shelves; it hits the ceiling) Oh wait, I forgot the punch line. (his arm stops right in front of Sandy) Oh yeah! (punches the floor tile that she is standing on, launching her up in the air and onto the floor in another aisle, right in front of a stack of cans; she slowly slides into them, knocking them over on top of her)
Spongebob: (laughs) That's a good one, isn't it? (later, Spongebob is walking down the road, still wearing his foam helmet) What a beautiful day. Beautiful sky. Beautiful plants. Hi plants. (stops in front of a pile of cans) Beautiful... pile of cans? (pulls his foam hands out from behind his back and puts them on) Mm, mm, Sandy, that is your worst disguise yet.
Sandy: (pops up a couple of feet away) No it's not, Spongebob. (holds up a thin squirrel mask) This is! (tosses the mask behind her and leaps in front of Spongebob) Now, prepare for a long, merciless whoopin'! (grabs Spongebob's tongue and stretches it out of his mouth)
Spongebob: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!
Sandy: (pulls out a small, red bottle) Mmm, mmm... my favorite. (the bottle is labeled "Volcano Sauce: HOT!")
Spongebob: (in fear) Ahhhhhhhh!!!! (Sandy turns the bottle over his tongue; a drop of the sauce slowly drips out; the blue sky behind them turns dark; a red human face appears in the hot sauce)
Face: By the powers of naughtiness, I command this particular drop of hot sauce to be really, really hot!
Spongebob: (gasps) Sandy! Wait! (on his hands and knees) Victory is yours.
Sandy: I knew you'd come to your senses, Spongebob. (pulls her arm inside her suit and drinks the sauce down)
Spongebob: (looks up and pulls out his long, extended tongue; on the back of it, there is a tag that reads "Novelty Toy"; Spongebob gets up and pulls on the fake tongue, causing it to wrap around Sandy; he then pulls it off of her; she spins around and he runs over to her, ready to fight) Wah!
Sandy: (stops spinning and karate chops Spongebob away) Hi-yah!
Spongebob: (flying away) Curses!!! (cuts to the Krusty Krab; there is a crowd lining up outside of it; Fred is at the counter)
Fred: With extra cheese, to go!
Squidward: Three patties, four large oyster skins, on the double, Spongebob!
Spongebob: (in the kitchen, still wearing his foam hands, standing in a ready position) Oh yeah... gotcha! (opens the door of the stove; Squidward leans in the window)
Squidward: Spongebob!
Spongebob: WHAT?! (karate chops Squidward in the face, causing a crease mark to form down the middle of it)
Squidward: I'm going to pretend that didn't happen. (hands Spongebob two pieces of paper) Now fill these orders or leave, Spongebob. We're very busy today! (throws the papers at him and leaves)
Spongebob: (runs out of the kitchen, holding a tray of Krabby Patties) Order up! Ooh. (stops; Fred is sitting at the table, swatting at a fly; Spongebob envisions him as Sandy, who stops swatting and winks at him)
Squidward: Spongebob! Now are you gonna...? (Spongebob tosses the tray behind him and runs toward the customer; the tray lands on Squidward's head, and the patties land in a row on the top of it)
Mr. Krabs: (walks up, flipping a coin) Oh, Squidward. I was going through some records back in me office and... huh? So... you got the hairpiece after all.
Spongebob: (off screen) Hi-yah!
Fred: My leg! (he is now slammed into the ground)
Spongebob: Thought you could sneak up on me at work, did ya? Well, you can't! 'Cause I'm fast, I'm mean, and I can do this! (puts both his hands together and swivels them around) Tsssss... (points at him and walks off) Took care of her, yes I did. (bumps into Mr. Krabs) Ooh! Ahoy, sir!
Mr. Krabs: What was that?
Spongebob: But sir, she snuck up on me. In my own dojo.
Mr. Krabs: Are you on some new allergy medication, boy?
Spongebob: No, sir. Just practicing my karate, sir. Or kara-tay, as some call it.
Mr. Krabs: Kara-tay? You should be making me money-ay! With your spatu-lay! Now get back to work.
Spongebob: Aye aye, capi-tay. Nice hairpiece, Squidward. (walks off; later, at closing time, Squidward is mopping the floor)
Squidward: Spongebob, did you get those bathrooms mopped yet?
Spongebob: (staring at his hands; looks up) Yes, ma'am. I mean, sir. I mean, boss. I mean, poobah!
Squidward: GO!!!!!
Spongebob: (walks into the dark bathroom with a mop and bucket; a woman sneezes; Spongebob puts down the mop and bucket and looks around; then tiptoes toward the stalls; he pushes one open, but nobody is inside) Hah! (walks to the next one and opens it up) Sandy! (jumps in and starts attacking; Mr. Krabs walks out, holding him by the back of his shirt)
Mr. Krabs: No more!
Spongebob: But Mr. Krabs...!
Mr. Krabs: (holds Spongebob's mouth shut) Shh... no more of this karate stuff, lad. Or you're fired. (lets go of his mouth and walks away)
Spongebob: (sadly) Fired? (walks out of the Krusty Krab) No more karate? How am I gonna tell Sandy?
Sandy: Hee-yah! (dives in and karate chops Spongebob)
Spongebob: Sandy! Wait! I can't. Mr. Krabs said I have to give up karate.
Sandy: (stops) Uh-huh. Sure, Spongebob. (begins attacking him again)
Spongebob: No, no. Really, Sandy. Stop.
Sandy: (stops in mid-air) I'm not falling for it, Spongebob! (begins again)
Spongebob: No, really! Please, stop!
Mr. Krabs: (looks out the window) What the...?! (walks outside) Spongebob!
Spongebob: AHHHHH!!!! Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: What did I just get through telling ye, lad?
Spongebob: But... I... uh, she...
Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, you're fired!
Sandy: Huh?
Spongebob: (whimpers) Fired? (his face spins around and gets smaller and smaller until it flushes away)
Mr. Krabs: Eh?
Sandy: Spongebob?
Spongebob: (continues whimpering; suddenly, his face returns, extremely huge with wide, teary eyes) WAAAAHHHH!!! (runs away, flailing his arms)
Sandy: Wait... Mr. Krabs. (Spongebob runs around behind her, still wailing) It's not his fault. It's mine. He tried to tell me but... I wouldn't listen.
Spongebob: (cries into a white coffee cup, then re-drinks his tears; repeats the process; flips around on the ground in front of Sandy and Mr. Krabs)
Sandy: Give him another chance, please?
Mr. Krabs: Hmm... (grabs Spongebob) All right, me boy! I'll give you a second chance. But no more karate. It's poisoning your mind. (sniffs Sandy) Mammals... (walks away)
Sandy: Aw, shoot, Spongebob. I guess you ain't fibbing. (both sigh) Aw, that game was getting old anyway. (elbows Spongebob) It's not fun anymore. I mean, what's so fun about this? (karate chops Spongebob)
Spongebob: (laughs, and then stops quickly) Nothing! Nothing is fun about that at all!
Sandy: We can find something to do that's almost nine times as fun.
Spongebob: We can? I mean, sure we can. Yeah! Like we can, uh... (runs over and picks up a rock) We can squeeze things! (squeezes the rock and grunts; drops it) Woo! How much fun was that?
Sandy: Almost some.
Spongebob: I know! We can act like plants. (lies on the ground and spreads his arms and legs) Photosynthesis. Photosynthesis. (Sandy walks up)
Sandy: Wanna go to the park? (cuts to Spongebob and Sandy at the park; Spongebob is holding a picnic basket)
Spongebob: Karate sure is dumb.
Sandy: Yeah, you can say that again.
Spongebob: I feel dumb just thinking about it. (puts down the basket and makes a dumb face) Duh... I'm stupid! I like karate! Doy!
Sandy: You like what?
Spongebob: Not karate.
Sandy: Ha! I don't even know what that is.
Spongebob: Me too. I don't know what anything is! In fact...
Fisherman: (on the dock, casting his line) Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
Spongebob: (laughs) For a second that sounded like...
Sandy: Karate?
Spongebob: Right now? I mean, no! What is this karate? (opens the basket) Uh, what do you want on your sandwich?
Sandy: Karate.
Spongebob: What did you say?
Sandy: Uh, mustard. Mustard! I want mustard on my sandwich. (takes out the mustard) There we go.
Spongebob: (pulls out a barnacle loaf) How many slices of barnacle loaf do you want?
Sandy: One. Just... one.
Spongebob: One for you! (chops a slice off)
Sandy: Hmm?
Spongebob: And one for me! (chops another slice off, this time in slow-motion; begins to put the loaf away)
Sandy: Oh, uh, Spongebob? Maybe just one more. Uh, I'm kinda hungry.
Spongebob: (takes the loaf out again) Sure thing, Sandy. (lifts his hand to slice it)
Sandy: Spongebob?
Spongebob: Yeah?
Sandy: Do you think, um... do you think I could cut this one?
Spongebob: Uh, sure.
Sandy: Thanks. Hoy-yah! (chops a slice off) Is that enough?
Spongebob: Maybe just one more. Or two!
Sandy: Or three!
Spongebob: (maniacally) Or ten!
Sandy: (also crazily) Ten! Yes, ten! Because we're REALLY hungry!
Spongebob: Right!
Sandy: Right!
Spongebob: Right!
Sandy: Right!!! (continuously slices pieces off the loaf; the slices fly off the top of the basket and hit Spongebob)
Spongebob: Time for buns! (picks up a bunch of buns and tosses them up in the air; then, he jumps up and karate chops them all in half)
Sandy: How about some tomatoes?
Spongebob: And I'll cut the cheese! (they both jump into the air and karate chop tomatoes and cheese; the food items land on the bottom buns)
Sandy: And, what else should we slice?
Spongebob: (lifts up more buns) More buns!
Sandy: (lifts up two heads of lettuce) And lettuce!
Both: Yeah!!! (the two slice like crazy as full sandwiches are being made all across the park; a worm sticks his head out of a hole in the ground and gets crushed by a top bun; Spongebob and Sandy stop slicing and pant, sweating)
Spongebob: (wipes sweat of his forehead) Phew. Making sandwiches sure is fun. Right, Sandy? (Sandy stands motionless with a blank look on her face) Right? I guess I'll eat one now. (reaches for a sandwich, but gets karate chopped by Sandy's foam hand)
Sandy: You're mincemeat!
Spongebob: (now in full karate gear) In your dreams! Hi-yah! (jumps at her; the two wrestle endlessly; later, Mr. Krabs walks through the park, holding a parasol)
Mr. Krabs: (stops) Huh? What the barnacle? (looks around at all the sandwiches and sliced objects in the park)
Spongebob: Do you think Mr. Krabs ever does karate?
Mr. Krabs: (clears his throat)
Spongebob: AHHHHH!!! Mr. Krabs! (pushes two split-up halves of a tree back together with his hand) Uh, hey Mr. Krabs, how's it going? (moves away from the tree and pushes two halves of a rock back together) Nice day, huh? (one half of the tree falls on his head) Oh, all right, Mr. Krabs. You caught me. But you know what? I just can't help myself. You're just gonna have to fire me.
Mr. Krabs: Fire you? (picks up two sandwiches) I've got something else in mind. (cuts to the Krusty Krab; an enormous crowd is lined up outside; a Krabby Patty lands on a customer's tray inside)
Crowd: Yay!!! (another Patty lands on someone else's tray; Spongebob and Sandy are at the counter, karate chopping various ingredients of Krabby Patties)
Both: Yah!!!
Sandy: I love karate!
Spongebob: I love kara-tay!
Mr. Krabs: I love money-ay! (runs his fingers through a stack of cash)
Squidward: I hate all of you.