Help Wanted
written by Stephen Hillenburg, Derek Drymon, and Tim Hill
typed by Shadowstar

(View on a coral reef)
Announcer: Ah, the sea. So fascinating. So wonderful. (the coral spreads apart and we see an undersea city) Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life (cut to Spongebob's block, where we zoom in on his pineapple home), home to one of my favorite creatures, Spongebob Squarepants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly. (zoom into his house, where Spongebob is sleeping on a bed with three mattresses. A foghorn is on a table to his left and there's a diving board at the head of his bed. On the floor is a snail, on some newspaper and hanging from the ceiling is a shellfish in a cage, like a bird. Zoom into the foghorn's clock, where the minute hand finally reaches the '12.' Then, the giant foghorn bellows out its noises. For a bit, Spongebob remains asleep, but when the force of the blows knocks his blanket off him, he wakes up and turns off the alarm. He then proceeds to walk up his bed ladder.)
Spongebob: Today's the big day, Gary! (referring to his snail)
Gary: Meow! (Spongebob is jumping on the board)
Spongebob: Look at me! I'm... (jumps up, leaving his underwear behind) ....naked! (he then proceeds to jump into a pair of already-laid-open pants. He runs into a weight room of sorts, but there are no barbells, only stuffed animals) Gotta be in top physical condition for today, Gary.
Gary: Meow! (Spongebob takes a deep breath and struggles to pick up the "weights." He finally does, but he's at the end of his rope. He manages to throw it in the air faintly and it falls on the floor with a little squeaking noise. Cut to outside)
Spongebob: (off-screen) I'M READY! (Spongebob bolts out his front door and walks forward, and past Squidward and Patrick's houses.) I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready... (Patrick, overhearing, opens his rock house, where he's been sleeping on the bottom of it)
Patrick: Go Spongebob! (he falls from the bottom of the rock into the hole. Cut to Spongebob looking at a restaurant. But not just any restaurant.)
Spongebob: There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating. The Krusty Krab. (cut to the Krusty Krab, which is so sparkly and perfect. Then, it belches out a line of smoke.) Home of the Krabby Patty. With a 'Help Wanted' sign in the window! For years I've been dreaming of this moment! I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look him straight in the eye, lay it on the line, and I can't do this! (he runs, but Patrick blocks his way) Patrick!
Patrick: Where do you think you're going?
Spongebob: I was just....
Patrick: (cutting him off) No you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab and get that job!
Spongebob: But I can't, don't you see? I'm not good enough!
Patrick: Whose first words were, "May I take your order?"
Spongebob: Mine were.
Patrick: Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop?
Spongebob: I did.
Patrick: Who's a.... (thinks) ....uh, who's.... (thinks even harder) ....who's a big yellow cube with holes?
Spongebob: I AM!
Patrick: Who's ready?
Spongebob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
Spongebob: I'm ready!
Patrick: Who's ready?
Spongebob: I'M READY!! (with his confidence restored, he runs toward the restaurant. There, Squidward is spraying the glass windows to eliminate graffiti of himself with the word 'Loser.' He sees Spongebob.)
Squidward: Oh no, Spongebob. What could he possibly want?
Spongebob: (in background) Go Spongebob! Go Spongebob! Go self! Go self! (Squidward noticed the 'Help Wanted' sign and runs inside.)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! (cut to the ordering window, where Mr. Krabs is smelling a handful of money. Squidward runs up to him) Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you... (too late.)
Spongebob: (off-screen) Permission to come aboard, captain! (cut to Spongebob, casting a shadow across the restaurant) (manly voice) I've been training my whole life for the day I could finally join the Krusty Krew, (regular voice) And now I'm ready. (while walking, he accidentally steps on a nail. He trips and bounces all over the last. Squidward and Mr. Krabs just stare at each other. Spongebob finally comes to a stop) So, uh, when do I start?
Krabs: Well lad, it seems like you don't even have your sea legs.
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, please. I'll prove I'm fry cook material. Ask Squidward! He'll vouch for me.
(Krabs and Squidward walk to the corner, where Squidward puts it plain and simple.)
Squidward: No. (Krabs winks. The two walk back over.)
Krabs: Well lad, we'll give you a test and if you pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew! Go fetch me... (Spongebob pulls out a notepad) a, uh, hydrodynamic spatula with, ah, port-and-starboard-attachments, and turbo drive! And don't come back till you get one! (Krabs puts a Krusty Krab hat on Spongebob. Spongebob, overjoyed, looks at himself in the mirror. He then gets serious)
Spongebob: Aye aye, captain! (reading) One hydrodynamic spatula, port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up sir! (he leaves)
Krabs: Hurry on! (to Squidward) We'll never see that lad again.
Squidward: You're terrible! A hydro-what? (the two laugh. Cut to outside, where Spongebob walks off. Just then, five boats come and encircle around the restaurant. The doors open. Cut to Squidward and Krabs still laughing. Krabs stops, then Squidward.)
Krabs: That sounded like hatch doors! (Krabs smells something, then close in on his wiggling eyes.) Do you smell it? That smell. The kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells… smelly. (his eyes bug open) (silently) Anchovies. Squidward: What?
Krabs: ANCHOVIES!!! (the anchovies come in, hoards of them, just swarming and swarming. Squidward tries to maintain some order)
Squidward: Please, please, quiet! (the anchovies stop bickering) Is this any way to behave, hmm?
Anchovy: Meep!
Squidward: Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register?
(moment of silence, then the anchovies rock the ordering boat around a bit, very violently I might
add. Cut to Spongebob, walking to a store shaped like a treasure chest.)

Spongebob: Barg'n Mart: meeting all your spatula needs. (cut back to Squidward and Mr. Krabs, stuck in the ordering boat and being swung across, literally a sea of anchovies.)
Squidward: One single file line was all I asked! (cut to the ship being thrown up)
Krabs: Button down the hatches, Mr. Squidward! (getting thrown back up, the ship is in pieces) We're taking on water, Mr. Squidward! (getting thrown back up again, Krabs is holding Squidward) I want my mommy, Mr. Squidward! (cut back to Spongebob, shopping)
Spongebob: (humming) Spatula, spatula, port-and-starboard attachments… (cut back to the
restaurant, where Squidward and Krabs are hanging onto a pole)

Krabs: Climb, Mr. Squidward! Climb! (they do climb and tidal wave after tidal wave of anchovies nears closer and closer) Well, this is the end. Good-bye, Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: Oh Mr. Krabs! (the two start to cry. Then, some blinking red lights from off-screen illuminate the two. They look up to see, Spongebob with the spatula he was sent off to receive. He's using it as a propeller to keep him in air. He sings a tune as he arrives.)
Spongebob: Did someone order a spatula? (Squidward and Mr. Krabs babble to themselves on how he obtained this) One hydrodynamic spatula with (two other spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one) port-and-starboard attachments, and let's not forget the turbo drive! (the two extending spatulas whirl around and smack Squidward and Krabs around) Would you believe they only had one in stock? To the kitchen! (Spongebob makes a double-spin and flies into the kitchen window) (to anchovies) Who's hungry?
(a song starts as Spongebob flies through the ordering window. He lands in a box of patties, which come up in two piles impaled on his eyes. He proceeds to bug out his eyes in order to pop the patties onto the grill. After that, he spins in the air with the spatula in his mouth and lands in front of a counter with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and the works piled up. Spongebob takes out the port-and-starboard attachments and vigorously slices everything, including himself. He folds to the floor in pieces and then pops back up again. Aerial view with Spongebob gracefully walking all around the kitchen. Cut to Spongebob walking on the squeeze tubes on the condiment bottles, as they squirt ketchup, mustard and other things like that, on the bun positioned under it. He then appears in a color background and dances. The colors change and when it turns to yellow, he almost completely blends in. Then, in his spongy form, he forms the numbers, '1,' '2,' '3' and '4.' Cut to him squirting a smiley face on a bun with mustard and ketchup and completing a patty. He shoots it out the window and it lands into an anchovy's mouth. He then proceeds to flip more patties and cut more condiments until eventually the last anchovy is served. As if to be a gun, Spongebob blows on the end of his spatula.)
(Later, Krabs, Squidward and Spongebob stand by the restaurant. The ordering boat has been totally totaled and there's a giant sack of money next to it.)
Krabs: That was the greatest fast-foodsmanship I've ever seen, Mr. Squarepants! Welcome aboard! (Krabs gives him a nametag with 'Spongebob' written on it.)
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs-
Krabs: Three cheers for Spongebob! Hip-hip!
Squidward: (weakly) Hooray, Mr.-
Krabs: Hip-Hip!
Squidward: (quickly) Hooray, Mr.-
Krabs: Hip-hip!
Squidward: (quickly) Hooray, Mr. Krabs!
Krabs: I'll be in my quarters, counting the booty. (he proceeds to drive a wheelbarrow full of money into his office. Then, Patrick walks in.)
Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew!
Squidward: What would you like to order, Patrick?
Patrick: One Krabby Patty please. (as if as a signal, Spongebob flies back through the ordering window via spatula and starts doing some stuff. Cut to outside, where Patrick gets hit by a wave of Krabby Patties and is flung out the door.)
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs, come see your new employee....