Christmas Who?
written by Walt Dohrn, Paul Tibbitt, and Mr. Lawrence
typed by Aaron exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(the camera pans over the houses of Encino, California)
French Narrator: And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the Spongebob Squarepants fan club, Patchy the Pirate. (the exterior of Patchy's house is shown; the name, "Patchy", appears; inside, Patchy is wrapping presents)
Patchy: (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Yo ho ho, yo ho ho, yo ho ho ho ho ho. (sees camera) Oh! Hi. (waves) I'm Patchy the Pirate, president of the Spongebob Squarepants fan club! (notices a long piece of confetti on his hook and tries to shake it off; pulls on it and whacks himself in the eye, giving him a black eye; switches his patch over to the other eye) Hey, that's better!
Potty: (flies in) Squawk! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Patchy: That's right, Potty! It is Christmas. (limps over to the fireplace) And there ain't nothing better in the seven seas than a Bikini Bottom Christmas. It sure is a magical time of year. (blows on a bubble pipe) Why, I'll bet old Spongebob is gearing up for Santa Claus right now! (picks up a picture of Spongebob; cuts to Spongebob, holding a remote)
Spongebob: I sure am! (presses a button on the remote; a large chimney rises from the ground next to his house, and a gigantic funnel pops out of it with the words "Welcome Santa" in neon letters) I'm ready!
Patchy: (laughs) Not bad for a creature with no vertebrae. (puts down Spongebob's picture) And I'm sure our pal Patrick is doing his share of the decorating. (picks up a picture of Patrick; cuts to Patrick standing by his house with a dopey smile on his face; the camera zooms out, revealing a single Christmas ball hanging from the weathervane on top of his rock; it snaps off and hits the ground, and Patrick does as well)
Patchy: (mixing cookie dough) I too am also preparing for Christmas. (lifts up mixer) Hmm, unbaked cookie dough! (takes a lick) Mmm...
Potty: Brawk! Potty want cookie dough! (flies over) Brawk! Cookie!
Patchy: (ducks) Potty! No!
Potty: (flies back and forth) Cookie! Brawk!
Patchy: Get out of here!
Potty: Cookie!
Patchy: Potty!
Potty: Brawk! Give us a lick!
Patchy: Back off, you flying freak!
Potty: (flies onto the counter) Brawk! Clarify please.
Patchy: This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots.
Hans: (reaches over and rings a bell)
Patchy: (looks out window) What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells means!
Children: (off-screen) Free ice cream!
Patchy: (laughing) No, you silly livers! (sternly) No!
Potty: Brawk! Man overboard?
Patchy: (walks over to desk) You, I'm ignoring. (sits down) No, it's time to open fan letters!
Potty: (flies over with a letter in his beak) Brawk! Here you go!
Patchy: (tugs at it) Thank you, Potty.
Potty: (not letting go) Brawk!
Patchy: Yeah. Okay Potty, thank you!
Potty: Brawk! Bawk!
Patchy: Come on, give it, you birdbrain!
Potty: Brawk!!! Brawk!!!
Patchy: Quiet, infernal bird! (uses his hook, now with a pair of scissors on the end, to snip Potty's rope)
Potty: Brawk! (falls to the ground)
Patchy: (nods) Hmm. (sits back down) This letter comes to us from...
Voiceover: Name and address withheld!
Patchy: (tears the envelope open, pieces of it flying all over the place; pulls up his eyepatch and replaces it with a pair of reading glasses with one eye covered up) And he writes, "Dear Spongebob, I am ten years old, and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours..."
Voiceover: Name and address withheld!
Patchy: (gets up; takes off glasses, his eyepatch is now back on) A very good question. But you know, they didn't always celebrate Christmas in Bikini Bottom.
Potty: Squawk! They didn't?
Patchy: No sir, my fine feathered little neck pain. (pulls down Potty's strings)
Potty: Brawk! (falls to the ground)
Puppeteer: Whoa!!! (falls from above and hits the ground where Potty does) Hoah!
Patchy: (hangs a homemade Spongebob ornament on a Christmas Tree; camera zooms out, showing the entire Christmas tree, which is decorated with many similar Spongebobs, as well as ornaments featuring Patrick and Squidward, and a few gift boxes) There was a time when no one had even heard of Christmas in Bikini Bottom. (snaps his finger) Hey! Who wants to hear the story of Spongebob's very first Christmas?
Potty: (looking drowsy, with bloodshot eyes) Squawk!!!
Patchy: (turns around) Potty?! (sees an empty bowl of cookie dough) You ate all me cookie dough!
Potty: (now incredibly fat; the whole lower half of his body, along with their strings, fall off, leaving only his head) Squ-ouch!
Patchy: (shrugs) Oh well! On with the show!
(episode begins)
Spongebob: (waiting on a hill near Sandy's treedome; laughs) Today, I'm gonna sneak up and get that Sandy with a super-sneaky karate move! (shakes hands) Hoo-ah!!! (does a karate chop) Ha! (runs down the hill toward Sandy's, still chanting; reaches the bottom) Hoo! Ha! (karate chops again; jumps upside down into his water helmet, taking the shape of it, and rolls toward the door; peeks in; Sandy is humming the tune to "Jingle Bells" and carrying a wire toward another one) What diabolical act is she committing now? (Sandy is still humming; she plugs the two wires into each other, lighting up her entire tree with colorful Christmas lights; Spongebob leaps in alarm) Fire!!! Don't worry, Sandy! I'm coming! (runs off; gets a pale and scoops some water into it; makes a fire engine noise; runs into the treedome) Stand back, Sandy! Fire! (splashes the water all over the tree; drops bucket) Huh? (Sandy stands there, soaking wet) So, I guess there's no fire?
Sandy: What in the name of the Alamo is wrong with you, Spongebob? Ain't you never seen a Christmas tree before?
Spongebob: Christmas who?
Sandy: What?! Y'all never heard of Christmas?
Spongebob: Is she a friend from Texas?
Sandy: (chuckles) No! I can't believe y'all haven't heard about...(eyes widen; in a high-pitched voice) Christmas!
Spongebob: Tell me more about this... (mimicking Sandy) Christmas!
(cuts to Spongebob and Sandy sitting at one of her picnic tables)
Patchy: (narrating) And so Sandy wove a magical tale of gumdrops and pennywhistles. (Sandy jumps up and starts flapping her arms and blowing raspberries) She told of toy-making elves and flying reindeer. (she jumps up and down on the table then flexes gigantic muscles) But best of all, she told of the one they call Santa Claus. (Sandy opens and shuts her mouth with her arms, darts back and forth, and then stops with her arms wiggling around in the air; Spongebob's eyes widen)
(cuts to the Krusty Krab, the next day)
Spongebob: (standing on a table, talking to Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward) And everyone pretends to like the fruitcake!
Squidward: (looking bored) Yawn!
Spongebob: But the best part is, you can write a letter to this guy (pulls out a painted picture of Santa Claus), Santa Claus, and tell him what you want, and when he comes, he brings it to you!
Patrick: (goofily smiling) Just like a genie! (chuckles loudly)
Mr. Krabs: I don't know about you lubbers, but any fella who's giving away free stuff is a friend o' mine!
Spongebob: That's the spirit, Mr. Krabs! Here you go. (pulls out a piece of paper and a pencil) You can get started on your letter.
Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
Patrick: Like a genie!
Mr. Krabs: Pipe down, Squidward! I'm trying to concentrate. This thing is as good as a blank check, direct from the first national bank of Santa Claus. (both eyes turn into a dollar sign; walks off)
Squidward: Ah, brother.
Patrick: (smiling) Yeah.
Spongebob: (hops down from the table) Okay, who's next?
Patrick: Ooh! (raises hand) Oh, me, me! (Squidward groans)
Spongebob: Here you go, Patrick.
Patrick: There's no words on this paper.
Spongebob: Not yet! (holds up a pencil)
Patrick: Yippee! A writing stick!
Spongebob: Come on, Squidward. (puts a piece of paper in front of Squidward) Write a letter.
Squidward: Spongebob, grow up, will you? No one's gonna give me a gift just because I write them a stupid letter. (a ripping noise is heard)
Patrick: (walks over with his piece of paper, now ripped in two) Spongebob, I ripped my paper. Could I have another one?
Spongebob: Sure, buddy. Here you go. (hands a new paper to Patrick) Okey-dokey, Squid... (another ripping noise is heard) ward.
Patrick: (walks over with another torn paper; laughs) Uh, Spongebob? (Spongebob hands him another paper) Thanks. (sits down with the pencil in his lap, standing up; puts the paper on the pencil and starts moving the paper around) Dear San... (the paper rips) Doh! Not again.
Spongebob: Here, Patrick, watch me! (starts writing) Dear Santa, what do I want for Christmas, you may ask? All I want is for you to visit the gentle folk here in Bikini Bottom. That is my wish. (rolls the paper up and sticks it in a bottle; puts a cork in the top; later, outside the Krusty Krub, Spongebob and Patrick stand next to a machine) Patrick, I designed this mechanism specifically to shoot bottles to the surface. The hopes of everyone rest on the success of its maiden voyage. Fire in the hole! (sticks the bottle into the top of the machine; he and Patrick cover their ears as the bottle shoots upward)
Patrick: Santa! (laughs; the bottle lands at the top of the water, floating in front of the island) Where's Santa?
Spongebob: He doesn't come until Christmas Eve.
Mr. Krabs: (runs over) Okay, boy, my demands, er, uh, I mean, letter, is ready to go.
Spongebob: Great, Mr. Krabs! What did you wish for?
Mr. Krabs: A pony.
Spongebob: Really?
Mr. Krabs: With saddlebags full of money! (Spongebob sticks Mr. Krabs's bottle in the machine and covers his ears; the bottle shoots up to the surface, floating next to his own)
Patrick: Here you go, Spongebob. (holds up his bottle)
Spongebob: What did you wish for, Patrick?
Patrick: (inside the bottle is a piece of paper ripped in two) Another piece of paper. (the bottle shoots up to the surface)
Spongebob: And what did you wish for, little girl?
Little Girl: (points to teeth; the front two are missing) Front teeth. (the bottle shoots up toward the surface)
Cowboy Fish: I could use a new hat. (takes off his old cowboy hat; his head is shaped the same way as the hat; his bottle reaches the surface)
Woman Fish: I need a new hairstyle. (bottle shoots up to the surface)
Old Fish: (holding his teeth, which are doing the talking for him) I'd like a glass of water for my teeth. (his bottle shoots upward; many more bottles shoot up to the surface, one after another, until the water around the island is filled with letters in bottles)
Squidward: (pushing through the crowd) Excuse me, coming through. Out of the way!
Spongebob: Great, Squidward. You finished. What's your wish?
Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane drivel that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth! (pokes Spongebob in the nose)
Spongebob: Gee Squidward, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said. Okay everybody! We've got a lot to do now that we've summoned Santa Claus! We must ready ourselves for his arrival.
Crowd: Hooray!!!
(cuts to Spongebob and Patrick taking whacks at a coral tree; the song "The Very First Christmas to Me" begins)
Spongebob and Patrick: It's shaping up to be a wonderful holiday, not your normal average everyday. (the tree falls down)
Squidward: Sounds like someone felled my old coral tree. Spongebob, Patrick, why'd you do this to me?
Spongebob and Patrick: (holding hands and spinning around) The world feels like it's in loverly.
Squidward: Go away before I harm you bodily. (gets a trash can and starts pouring garbage out his window and onto Spongebob and Patrick)
Spongebob and Patrick: This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me. (garbage is still being poured all over them; cuts to Spongebob walking down the road with a shopping cart filled over the top with gifts) There'll be shopping, decorating, and plenty of snow. (Patrick puts two Christmas balls over his eyes; snow falls over him, covering him completely)
Spongebob: (at Spongebob's house, Patrick and him are decorating) Hey Patrick, who's that under the mistletoe? (points to the mistletoe, hanging over the doorway; Squidward is under it, peeking in)
Squidward: What? Who, me? Would you look at the time? I should go. (runs away hurriedly)
Plankton: (on Mr. Krabs's hand) People seem a little more brotherly.
Mr. Krabs: (pulls out a fruitcake) Here's a special something to you from me. (Plankton picks up the fruitcake and throws it into a trash can filled with them)
Spongebob and Patrick: Even all the trash, on Christmas it smells so sweetly.
Gary: (climbs up on top of the trash can) Meow.
Spongebob and Patrick: (Patrick captures a jellyfish in a jar and shakes it; it lights up and he hangs it on the tree; Gary comes over) This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas to me.
Spongebob: (dancing and singing) Ya da da da da da da da da! Da da da da da da da da! Da da da da da da da da! (slams open Squidward's door, still dancing) Da da da da da da da!
Squidward: (at the door) What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy?
Spongebob and Patrick: (dancing with giant candy canes in their hands) Step outside, we've got something for you to see. (Patrick throws his candy cane into the air and catches it in his mouth, making his head change into the shape of a cane)
Squidward: (walks out and sees that his house is covered with decorations) Spongebob, take this stuff down immediately!
Spongebob and Patrick: (Tom and a friend sit at a fireplace roasting chestnuts) Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree. (the two fish stick the chestnuts in the mouths and then stick their tongues out; the chestnuts are flaming; Spongebob and Patrick stand in front of the now decorated coral tree with a crowd of fish)
Crowd: Tonight things are as good as they seem to be.
Patrick: A star on top will complete all the scenery. (sits on one end of a seesaw; Spongebob drops a rock on the end; Patrick flies up and lands on top of the tree)
Crowd: This Christmas feels like the...
Mr. Krabs: (pops up; singing in a high-pitched voice) Very first Christmas to me! (laughs)
Crowd: This Christmas feels like the...
Mr. Krabs: (pops up in front of Squidward's window, where Squidward is sitting grumpily; still singing in a high-pitched voice) Very first Christmas to me!!! (Squidward pulls the blind down; song ends; scene moves back to Patchy's house)
Patchy: Is Squidward right? Can there be a Christmas under the sea? Stay tuned! (shaking excitedly)
(fades out; fades back in)
Patchy: It's about time you got back! (holds up a Spongebob cookie) Now I can finish me story! So, Spongebob was sending the last of the letters to Santa...
(back in Bikini Bottom, Spongebob sticks another bottle into the machine; it flies up to the surface)
Baker: I hope he can read Portuguese!
Spongebob: (brushes off hands) Ah! Well, that's the last letter. (gasps) Wait! Squidward hasn't written his letter yet! (runs toward Squidward's house carrying pencils, paper, and a couple of bottles) Squidward! Hurry!!! (Squidward plays clarinet in his house) Squidward! (bursts into the house) Squidward! Hurry!
Squidward: (stops playing, but the music keeps going; it turns out it was coming from a record player; stops the record) Spongebob! What are you doing?
Spongebob: (sitting at a desk with a quill pen) Don't worry, Squidward. I'll help you get started. (starts writing) Dear Santa Claus...
Squidward: Spongebob, forget it!
Spongebob: Right, too formal. Hi, Santa!
Squidward: Spongebob, no!
Spongebob: Howdy, Claus?
Squidward: I'm not writing a letter to a figment of your imagination!
Spongebob: But Squidward, when Santa comes, you'll be the only one without a gift.
Squidward: Spongebob, how many times do I have to say it? I don't believe in Santa Claus!
Spongebob: Come on, Squid! All you have to do is write a letter! What have you got to lose?
Squidward: My self-respect. My sanity. My lunch. (goes back inside and shuts the door)
Spongebob: Squidward, come on! (more fish join him)
Crowd: Come on, Squidward! Don't be a party pooper! Come on out!
Squidward: Santa Claus is a big phony! Spongebob has got you all fooled!
Crowd: Aw, come on, Squidward! Come on, drop the whole anti-Christmas thing!
Squidward: (laughs) Those idiots are gonna be up all night while I get a full night's sleep. (gets into bed and starts to sleep)
Crowd: (singing) Oh, Santa's coming tonight, tonight!
Squidward: (wakes up) Grrrrrrr!!!
Crowd: Santa's coming tonight! Santa's coming tonight, tonight! Santa's coming tonight!
Spongebob: Come on, everybody! Let's sing 'til Santa gets here!
Crowd: Santa's coming tonight, tonight! Santa's coming tonight! Santa's coming tonight, tonight! Santa's coming tonight! (fades to day; the crowd now looks tired and weary; singing slower) Santa's coming tonight, tonight. Santa's coming tonight.
Fred: Hey, where's Santa? (the crowd moves out and looks at Spongebob)
Spongebob: Uh, he should be here any minute. (singing) Santa's coming tonight, tonight! Santa's coming tonight!
Crowd: (leaving) Oh, forget this! Oh man! I have had enough of this!
Fred: Thanks for the lies, Mr. Fairy Tale! Let's go waste our time somewhere else. (he and the last group of fish drive off)
Spongebob: Hey guys, where's your Christmas spirit? He's just running late!
Patrick: He probably just stopped for a snack! Fat guys get hungry, right?
Spongebob: Yeah! (fades to Spongebob and Patrick standing in the same spot, now looking extremely sullen and bored; a jar with a jellyfish in it falls off the tree and lands on Spongebob's head; it shatters and the jellyfish floats away)
Patrick: Never trust a genie. (walks off; Spongebob looks at a sandman [snowman], which turns around and slides away)
Squidward: (alarm clock rings; yawns) Morning already? Oh boy! (slams open door; gets out a megaphone) Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho! (laughs) Merry Christmas! (goes over to Spongebob) Wait. Oh, I see a great Christmas photo op! (takes out a camera; through the lens, Spongebob is seen standing next to the tree with extremely large, saddened eyes, and a low-hanging nose) Can you move in a little? (Spongebob moves over two steps) Say "Santa Claus"!
Spongebob: (in a whiney voice) Santa Claus!
Squidward: (takes a picture; holds the picture in his hand) Aw, our first Christmas! (singing) This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas! (a donkey appears on-screen and begins hee-hawing while Squidward is singing) The first Christmas is this Christmas! 'Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me! (laughs; turns his back toward Spongebob and starts slapping his butt)
Spongebob: You were right, Squidward. This is a stupid holiday! (puts head down and starts sobbing) I still want you to have this. (holds up a present)
Squidward: (slaps his butt two more times, then stops) What? What's this?
Spongebob: A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't feel left out when... (lifts up head) Santa came! (puts head down and starts to cry again)
Squidward: Oh, gee, I, you know, I, I, I, I...
Spongebob: (walks away) You're welcome!
Squidward: Spongebob? He made me a present? (chuckles) It's probably a jellyfish net. Or an old Krabby Patty. Or... (in a stupid voice) His favorite underpants! Present, ha. (opens it up and sees that it's a wooden clarinet) What? Why, it looks like a clarinet. (sniffs it) It smells like one too! Handcrafted out of driftwood? (turns it over and sees that his name is carved into it) And it's even got my name on it! (turns it over again and sees a button that says "push") What's this? (presses it; three wooden semblances of Squidward pop up out of the holes and start playing "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy") Wow! (hugs it) This is the greatest gift I have ever gotten. Oh, I feel like a... I feel like a... I feel like a... (the donkey appears again and hee-haws) Big jerk! What have I done to poor Spongebob? Uh, hey Spongebob, I... Spongebob?
Spongebob:(standing on a ladder on the side of his house) I guess I won't be needing this. (takes Christmas lights and slides downward) Ahhhh... that's better. (a thundercloud moves above him; rain starts pouring down on top of him)
Squidward: That poor little guy. All he wanted was to spread a little joy.
Spongebob: (mopes over to Squidward's house) I'd better get this stuff off of Squid's place. (starts to pull off a sting of candy canes)
Squidward: (off-screen) Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!
Spongebob: (looking around) Huh? Hello? Who's there? Huh? Hello?
Squidward: (on the roof, dressed in a Santa costume) Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!
Spongebob: Hello? Yes? Who's there? Huh? Hello? Show yourself. Woo-hoo! Hello? Who is it? Huh? Hey!
Squidward: Up here, you dunce! I mean, um, Merry Christmas, little boy.
Spongebob: (turns around; gasps) Could it be?
Squidward: Yes, it is I! Santa Claus! Ho ho ho! (slips and falls off the roof) Hoo! Heh! Hah! (hits the ground) Huh!!!
Spongebob: Hey, you're...(stuttering) Ssss-San... Ssss-San... Ssss-San...
Squidward: Hey, uh, kid...
Spongebob: Ssss-San...
Squidward: Take it easy.
Spongebob: Sss-San...ta! (faints)
Squidward: (walks over to him) Spongebob? Spongebob? Spongebob?
Spongebob: (opens eyes) Sss-San...
Squidward: (covers Spongebob's mouth) Don't do that again.
Spongebob: (hops up and hugs Squidward) I knew you'd make it, Santa! (backs up) Hey, Santa, where's your big round belly?
Squidward: Well, uh... that, um, is a result of, uh... undersea pressure on my body.
Spongebob: Where's your reindeer? And your flying machine?
Squidward: Uh... I loaned them to the Easter Bunny.
Spongebob: And what about that nose? (starts to laugh) I knew you were supposed to have a big one, but that thing's gigantic! (continues laughing)
Squidward: All right! I'm Santa.
Spongebob: (hugs him again) Santa! (a large heart appears over his head) This is the greatest gift you could have given me. Thank you for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.
Squidward: I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, Spongebob. You did. (pats him on the head)
Spongebob: I did? (faints again; his feet start to slither away; Gary is seen carrying Spongebob into the house on his back)
Gary: Meow.
Squidward: Merry Christmas, Spongebob! Merry Christmas! (sighs and wipes the sweat of his forehead) I'm glad that's over.
Little Girl #2: Do you have a present for me, Santa?
Squidward: Oh, well, uh, see, I'm not... I'm not really...
Spongebob: (now standing next to the girl; laughs) Go ahead, Santa Claus. See? He is real. He made my Christmas wish come true! He won't let you down.
Squidward: Uh, right. Just a second. (runs inside) Okay, quickly, let's see. Uh, what do little girls like? Um, a book of matches? Or a shaving kit? A copy of my birth certificate? (holds up each in turn) There's got to be something around here. Think, think, think... ah, perfect! (goes back outside; hands the little girl a red monkey wrench) Here you go, little girl. Ho ho ho!
Little Girl #2: (hugs the wrench; tickles it with her finger and laughs) Thanks Santa! (runs off)
Squidward: That almost felt good.
Fish: (from behind) Ahem!
Squidward: (turns around; a big crowd of fish with grins on their faces stands behind him; Blue Spotted Fish raises his eyebrows) Uh... who?
Fred: Hey Santa, where's my present?
Old Man Jenkins: And mine!
Woman Fish #2: And what about me?
Squidward: Uh, let's see what Santa has for all you good people! (runs inside) Think fast, Santa. Gifts for... the people. Aha! (goes back outside; hands a bowl of mashed potatoes to Woman Fish)
Squidward: A bowl of mashed potatoes for you.
Woman Fish: Thank you Santa, this is just what I wanted. (sticks it on her head, mashed potatoes in her hair) A new hairstyle!
Squidward: (runs inside; runs back out with gifts; hands Little Girl two forks)
Little Girl: Thanks Santa! (sticks them in the empty spot where her two front teeth should be)
Squidward: (searches through closet; runs back out with more gifts; hands a clock to Patrick) Here you go, Patrick.
Patrick: Wow! (punches his arm through it) A wristwatch.
Squidward: (runs back inside; runs out with even more gifts; repeats the process several times until the last thing is being taken, which is his couch)
Frank: (dragging the couch away) Thank you, Santa!
Squidward: (goes inside and leans up against the door; tears of the Santa hat, coat, and beard) What was I thinking? (sinks down) I gave away all my stuff just so Spongebob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane? (someone knocks at the door) You might as well take the door. That's all that's left. (opens the door; Spongebob is standing there)
Spongebob: (speaking quickly) Squidward! You missed him! He was here, just like I said! He gave us all presents! He was jolly and he had a beard! His nose was big and he had rosy cheeks! He was friendly and kind and Santa-ish! (Squidward turns him around and he walks out the door, still chattering) Oh, his belly was small but his nose was huge with Christmas joy! He was so nice!
Squidward: Well, at least it's over. Huh? (sees a message in a bottle on his doorstep) What's this? (opens the letter and reads it)
Santa: (voice over) "Dear Squidward, Thanks for all your help! You've been a real good boy this year! Warm Regards, Santa Claus." (letter disappears) Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! (Santa appears riding on his sleigh, waving to Squidward and laughing hardly) Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!!! Merry Christmas! (continues; Squidward stares blankly)
Squidward: Yup, I'm insane. (starts playing his wooden clarinet)
Santa: (flies over the surface) Merry Christmas!!!
(back at Patchy's house; a sailboat with a homemade Spongebob and Patrick moves in front of a picture of the island, which has a bunch of presents on it)
Patchy: Dee dee, dee dee dee dee. (in Spongebob's voice) Ahoy, Patrick! It's Christmas Island! (in Patrick's voice) Presents, ahoy! (in Spongebob's voice) Hooray! (storm sound effects) Oh, a storm! (in Patrick's voice) Yay! I mean yikes! (more sound effects; in his own voice) Oh, we're going down! (even more storm sound effects; camera zooms out; the boat is on Patchy's head and head) Trim the sails! Hoist the yardarms! Turn on the Weather Channel! AHHHHH!!!
On-the-Set Announcer: Patchy!
Patchy: Oh, hi kids. Boy, that Spongebob makes me as jolly as a roger. Well, I hope you enjoyed Spongebob's Christmas tale. And I hope your Christmas is better than sunken treasure. (takes the boat off his head; Potty flies out; a nest was under him, and in it are a few eggs wrapped in bows; Patchy picks one up) Aw... Potty left me a little Christmas present. (laughs; goes over to the mistletoe) Arr, ye olde mistletoe. And you know what that means. (sprays breath freshener in his mouth) Ah, time for somebody to kiss Patchy the Pirate! (makes kissing noises) Come on, who's it gonna be? Come on! Kiss the captain! (laughs)
Potty: (flies over) Squawk!
Patchy: AHHHHH!!!
Potty: Give us a kiss!
Patchy: (avoiding him) No! No, not you!
Potty: Squawk!
Patchy: No, not you Potty!
Potty: Squawk! Give me a kiss!
Patchy: Get out of here! No, Potty!
Potty: Squawk!!!
Patchy: I don't wanna kiss you! No, we talked about this!
Potty: Squawk!
Patchy: Potty! No!
Potty: Kissy, kissy!
French Narrator: Well, it looks like Patchy's pretty busy at the moment, so I'll say it for him. Good night, and happy holidays. (the words "Happy Holidays" are spelled out on screen)
Potty: (still inside) Give me a kiss! Brawk!