Chocolate With Nuts
written by Paul Tibbitt, Kaz, Kent Osborne, and Merriwether Williams
typed by Aaron exclusively for Sarah's Spongebob Shrine

(scene opens up with Spongebob sitting and humming in a place surrounded by brown, metallic walls; he checks his watch; the mailfish walks up to Spongebob's mailbox, about to stick mail in it; Spongebob pops out)
Spongebob: Hi, mailman!
Mailfish: WAAAAHHHH!!! (drops mail and runs away)
Spongebob: (comes out all the way) Okay, see you tomorrow. (waves; picks up mail)
Patrick: (walks up) Hey, the mail's here. What'd you get?
Spongebob: Let's see... (every time he says "Gary", he tosses the letter behind him) Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, hey! A magazine! (holds up a purple magazine) That's funny. I don't remember subscribing to Fancy Living Digest. (the cover shows a fish in a top hat and tuxedo holding a dollar bill that is lit on fire; opens up the magazine)
Spongebob and Patrick: Whoa!
Spongebob: Look at these glossy depictions of a higher standard of living. This guy's so rich, he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool.
Patrick: This guy's got shoes!
Squidward: (snatches the magazine out of their hands) Give me that! Stealing my mail, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities.
Spongebob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that magazine get all that money?
Squidward: They're entrepreneurs. They sell things to people.
Spongebob: What kind of things?
Squidward: How should I know? Things people want to buy. Now keep your paws off my mail.
Spongebob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta become entrepreneurs!
Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?
Spongebob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?
Patrick: Uh... (starts to sweat) More time for thinking.
Spongebob: No, something real, an item. Something you would pay for.
Patrick: (pops up behind him) A chocolate bar?
Spongebob: (puts his arm around him) That's a great idea, Pat! We'll be traveling chocolate bar salesmen. (cuts to Spongebob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart with their arms full of chocolate bars) Fancy living, here we come!
Patrick: Make way for a couple of ent-re-pen-oo-ers!
Spongebob: Okay, Patrick, this is it. The first step on our road to livin' fancy. Just follow my lead. (runs up to a house and knocks on the door; Patrick follows; Tom, a green fish with a purple shirt and blue pants, answers) Good afternoon, sir. Could we interest you in some chocolate? (holds up a chocolate bar)
Tom: Chocolate? Did you say chocolate? (starts to get angry)
Patrick: Yes sir, with or without nuts. (holds up two chocolate bars, one with a peanut on it and one with a diagonal red line through it)
Tom: Chocolate? (now extremely angry) Chocolate?! (balls his hands into fists, his eyes now bloodshot) CHOCOLATE!!! (Spongebob and Patrick exchange unsure glances) CHOCOLATE!!! (Spongebob and Patrick start to back up slowly, and then they take off) CHOCOLATE!!! (chases Sponge and Pat down the road) CHOCOLATE!!!
(cuts to Spongebob ringing on another doorbell)
Spongebob: Okay, that first guy didn't count. This is our real first step. (a salesman fish answers the door) Good morning, sir. (holds up a chocolate bar) Would you like to buy some chocolate?
Salesfish: Chocolate bars, eh?
Spongebob: Yes sir, we are chocolate bar salesmen.
Salesfish: (chuckles) A couple of mediocre salesmen, if you ask me. That's no way to carry your merchandise. (Patrick looks behind himself; the chocolate bars are shoved in the back of his pants, making a mess) No, no, no, no, no. Wrong. You guys want to be good salesmen, right?
Spongebob and Patrick: (looking angelic) Oh, most certainly, sir!
Salesfish: Well, no self-respecting candy bar salesman would be caught dead without one of these. (holds up a brown bag with a zipper on top)
Spongebob: Wow... what is it?
Salesfish: It's a candy bar bag, you knucklehead. (Patrick sticks his tongue out, both their eyes widen) It's specially designed to cradle each in velvet-lined comfort. (Spongebob reaches to touch it, but the Salesfish pulls it away) But, I'm wasting my time. You don't need these bags. (walks inside)
Spongebob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!
Salesfish: (grins evilly; later, he counts the money he made in profit) So long, boys! Happy hunting! (Spongebob and Patrick leave with 24 bags under their arms; the Salesfish chuckles) Suckers. (goes back inside and shuts the door)
(cuts to Spongebob and Patrick running down the road with the bags with goofy looks on their faces, while singing)
Spongebob and Patrick: Fancy living, here we come! La la la la la! (the two walk up to a house directly next to the previous one) Let's try next door! (rings the bell with his foot; the same Salesfish from before answers the door)
Salesfish: Yes?
Spongebob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?
Salesfish: I don't recall. But it looks to me like you fellas have got a lot of bags there. You two lady-killers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy bar bag carrying bags. (holds up two red bags similar to the other ones, only a lot bigger)
Patrick: We'll take twenty!
(cuts to Spongebob and Patrick knocking on the door of another house, now each holding a candy bar bag carrying bag)
Lady Fish: (opens door) Ooh, what can I do for you two nice young men?
Spongebob: We're selling chocolate bars. Would you like to buy one?
Lady Fish: That sounds heavenly! I'll take one.
Spongebob: One chocolate bar coming up. (unzips his candy bar bag carrying bag and pulls out a candy bar bag; unzips the candy bar bag and pulls out another) Huh? (chuckles nervously; unzips that one and pulls out another) Huh? (repeats the process another 35 or so times, while Patrick zips and unzips his shorts) I know they're in here somewhere...
Lady Fish: I don't have time for this. (goes back inside and shuts the door)
Spongebob: I've got it! (holds up a chocolate bar) One chocolate bar for the nice... (sees something off camera; it is revealed to be Tom, still screaming)
Spongebob: ...lady.
Tom: CHOCOLATE!!! (Spongebob and Patrick run off; Tom soon follows and chases them down the road yet again) CHOCOLATE!!! CHOCOLATE!!!
(later, Spongebob and Patrick sit at a booth in the Diner)
Spongebob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach. A new tactic.
Patrick: Uh... I got it! Let's get naked!
Spongebob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate. There must be something! What was the reason we bought those bags?
Patrick: He said we were mediocre.
Spongebob: That's it! He made us feel special.
Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to buy more bags! (runs off)
Spongebob: No, wait, Patrick! (Patrick freezes in the middle of going out the door, his face in a goofy pose; Spongebob walks up) Why don't we try being nice?
Patrick: Oh, okay.
(cuts to Spongebob and Patrick walking up to another house)
Spongebob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good. (Patrick knocks on the door; a blue fish with stripes answers)
Striped Fish: Hello?
Patrick: I love you. (Striped Fish stares at him blankly for a few seconds, then slams the door in his face)
Spongebob: I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal. Let me try. (rings the bell)
Striped Fish: (comes out halfway) Please, go away.
Spongebob: Um... (clears throat) How ya doin'?
Striped Fish: How am I doing?
Spongebob: (sticks a chocolate bar in his face) Wanna buy some chocolate?
Patrick: (eagerly) We got him now!
Striped Fish: Sorry. Chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling fat. Isn't that right, loverboy?
Patrick: (smiles at his stomach, which is now bubbling like boiling water) It tickles!
Striped Fish: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer hang. (pulls out a picture of an extremely obese child, with the caption, "Me at 13"; Patrick takes the photo) You can keep that for five bucks.
Patrick: I'll take ten! (pulls out some cash)
(later, Spongebob is walking down the road, looking sullen)
Spongebob: We haven't sold one chocolate bar. I have a feeling we're too easily distracted.
Patrick: (walking behind him, staring at a handful of pictures of the Striped Fish at 13) Huh?
Spongebob: Let's make a pact right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next house.
Patrick: What?
Spongebob: Let's shake on it. (holds out his hand)
Patrick: (moving his attention away from the pictures) Did you say something?
Spongebob: Remember Patrick, focus. (knocks on a door; a purple fish in a green tank top walks out)
Purple Fish: Yes?
Spongebob: Good afternoon, sir. We're selling chocolate bars. (Patrick slides over with his eyes extending out of his head; they start to expand and contract constantly)
Purple Fish: Why is Chubby here staring at me?
Patrick: Focusing.
Purple Fish: Back up, Jack! (slams the door on Patrick's eyes, which are now looking around the inside of the house)
Patrick: Nice place you've got here.
(cuts to Spongebob and Patrick, once again walking down the road; this time, Patrick is eating one of the chocolate bars)
Spongebob: I can't understand what we're doing wrong.
Patrick: I can't understand anything.
Spongebob: There must be something to this selling game that we're just not getting. Other people do it, I mean, look at that! (points to a large billboard advertising Barnacle Chips)
Patrick: (reading the sign) "Eat Barnacle Chips. They're delicious."
Spongebob: They are most certainly not delicious.
Patrick: Not the way I use 'em!
Spongebob: Yet they sell millions of bags a day.
Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the truth, they wouldn't sell as many.
Spongebob: That's it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the truth!
Tom: (off-screen) CHOCOLATE!!! (Spongebob and Patrick run away)
(cuts to Sponge and Pat standing at the door of a green house)
Spongebob: We'll work as a team. Let me get this customer warmed up, and then you come in for the kill.
Patrick: The kill.
(Spongebob rings the bell; an old woman opens the door)
Old Woman: Yes?
Spongebob: Hello, young lady. (winks at Patrick) We're selling chocolate. Is your mother home?
Old Woman: Mom!
Old Woman's Mom: What?! What?! (a spinal cord attached to a muscle-covered skull rolls over in a wheel chair) What's all the yelling? (Spongebob and Patrick share surprised looks) You just can't wait for me to die, can you?
Old Woman: They're selling chocolate.
Old Woman's Mom: Chocolate?
Old Woman: Yeah!
Old Woman's Mom: What? What are they selling?
Old Woman: Chocolates!
Old Woman's Mom: What?
Old Woman: Chocolates!
Old Woman's Mom: I can't hear you!
Old Woman: They're selling chocolates!
Old Woman's Mom: They're selling chocolate?
Old Woman: Yeah!
Old Woman's Mom: (wistful) Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. (drops sweet tone of voice) I always hated it!
Spongebob: (sweating) Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating, it's for...
Patrick: You rub it on your skin, and it makes you live forever!
Old Woman: (shaking her hands) No! No!
Old Woman's Mom: Live forever, you say? I'll take one. (the old woman slaps her forehead; takes the chocolate bar and gives Spongebob money) Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!
Old Woman: I hate you. (slams the door)
Spongebob: If we keep exaggerating the truth, we'll be fancy living in no time!
Patrick: Hooray for lying! (raises fist)
(cuts to a montage)
Spongebob: It'll make your hair grow.
Fred: (with an incredibly shiny bald head) Great. My wife's trying to grow a beard.
Spongebob: It'll make you sound smart.
Hick Fish: (wearing patched-up overalls and an old straw hat) I'll take twenty!
Patrick: It'll keep your face from getting any uglier.
Starfish: (almost identical to Patrick, except for the fact that he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt with the exact same pattern as Patrick's shorts) Just in time.
Spongebob: They make you fly!
Patrick: You'll fall in love.
Spongebob: (floating on a rainbow) They'll bring world peace.
Patrick: You'll walk through walls.
Spongebob: (wearing a crown and robe and standing on top of Earth) You'll rule the world!
(cuts to another house; Spongebob rings the doorbell with a crutch that he is holding; Spongebob and Patrick stand at the bottom of the stoop, wearing casts and braces and holding crutches, while giggling)
Patrick: This'll be the best lie yet!
Spongebob: Yeah, this guy'll feel so sorry for us, he'll have to buy all of our chocolate. (the door opens slightly, but all we can see is one eyeball of the customer)
Man: What can I do for you boys?
Spongebob: Hello, sir. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need an operation.
Man: Really? Small world. (stumbles outside, covered in a body cast, wearing an eyepatch, and attached to two machines) What's the matter with you guys?
Spongebob: Uh... we've got some head trauma and internal bleeding.
Cripple: (sighs) Some guys have all the luck. (sad music starts) I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. (Spongebob and Patrick stare at him, teary-eyed) At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep. Oh! (one of the poles propping his leg up snaps off) No! (falls slowly down the stairs as breaking glass can be heard) Ow...
Spongebob: Quick Patrick, let's help him! (the two carry him inside) Careful! Put him down gently.
Patrick: (drops his upper half down on the ground; more shattering glass is heard) Ow...
Spongebob: Poor, poor man. If there's anything, ANYTHING we can do to help you...
Cripple: Well, there is one thing. As you can well imagine, my medical bills are extremely high. But luckily I'm able to keep myself alive by selling... chocolate bars. (six spilled out crates of chocolate bars sit in the corner; cuts to Spongebob and Patrick pass by the window carrying two crates) Such nice boys. It does my heart good to con a couple of class A suckeroonies like those two. (unzips his cast, revealing himself to be the Salesfish; he chuckles and runs his fingers through a wad of money)
Spongebob: Ugh. Don't get me wrong, Patrick, it's great that we helped that guy out, but there's no one left in town to sell chocolate bars to. WOAH!!!! (trips and falls down backwards, the crate laying on his face) Let's face it, Patrick. We're failures. Patrick: I can live with that. (walks over and puts his crate on top of Spongebob's, then sits on it)
Spongebob: Let's change our names to Why and Bother.
Tom: (pops up from behind the crates) CHOCOLATE!!! (blows Sponge and Pat away; they sit on the ground holding each other, shivering and muttering)
Spongebob and Patrick: No! No! Don't hurt us! Please have mercy! Oh please! Please don't hurt me!
Tom: (laughs dementedly) Finally! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I've got you right where I want you... (turns back to normal) I'd like to buy all your chocolate. (holds up a large pile of money; a few candy bars fall out of Patrick's pant-leg, followed by a small Hershey Kiss; the two melt completely into two puddles)
Spongebob: Thank you for your patronage.
(cuts to Patrick rolling a wheelbarrow full of money down the road)
Patrick: Are we living the fancy life yet, Spongebob?
Spongebob: (pops out of the pile of money) Not yet, pally. First we've gotta spend all the money.
Patrick: But what are we gonna spend it on?
Spongebob: Hmm...
(cuts to the Fancy! restaurant)
Squidward: (walks up to the maitre d', looking fancy) Good evening, sir. Table for one, please.
Maitre d': Sorry, but the whole restaurant has been rented to a private party.
Squidward: But... it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could afford to rent out the whole restaurant?
Maitre d': Oh, a couple of rich entrepreneurs and their dates.
Spongebob: (he and Patrick are seated at a table with the old woman and her mother from earlier) So, how long have you two ladies known each other?
Old Woman's Mom: What?! What did he say?