Band Geeks
written by C.H. Greenblatt, Aaron Springer, and Merriwether Williams
typed by Shadowstar

(opens to Squidward playing his clarinet. There is a knock on the door, and Squidward goes to answer the door to find a doctor and his assistant)
Doctor: Yeah, uh, we're with the pet hospital down the street, and I understand you have a dying animal on the premises.
(Squidward slams the door in his face, and then the phone rings)
Squidward: (picks up the phone) Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the (plays some notes on his clarinet. Squilliam is on the other end)
Squilliam: Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh old chum?
Squidward: (gasps) Squilliam Fancyson from band class?
Squilliam: I hear you're playing the caaash register now.
Squidward: Well, sometimes. Uh, how's the unibrow?
Squilliam: (wiggles it) It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
Squidward: The b-b-b... the b-b-b... the b-b-b...
Squilliam: That's right! I'm living your dreams, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So I was hoping you and your band could cover for us!
Squidward: Oh, uh, I-I-I-I, um...
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now.
Squidward: HOLD IT! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, Fancyboy?
Squilliam: Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of...ibuprofen. (hangs up)
Squidward: I've got to drum up a marching band fast! Drum. Heh, heh, heh. Band humor. Heh, heh.
(cuts to Sandy jogging; she sees a poster on a telephone pole)
Sandy: (reading the poster) Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?
(cuts to Plankton reading the same poster on the ground)
Plankton: Then become a part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Bikini Bottom!
(cuts to Mrs. Puff reading the sign on a bakery window)
Mrs. Puff: And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know!
(cuts to Krabs reading the poster in the Krusty Krab bathroom)
Krabs: Not to mention... free refreshments!
(cuts to Larry taking a shower and reading the poster on a shower wall)

Larry: Practice begins tonight...eight-thirty sharp!
(cuts to a watch on Squidward's tentacle, which reads 8:34. It changes to 8:35)
Squidward: Stupid music rental clerk made me late! That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow! Heh. Elbow. Heh. More band humor. (walks through the door of an old building. Lots of characters are inside of the building, talking noisily. They are actually saying "Blah, blah, blah." Squidward walks to the front) People, people, settle down! (everybody shuts up) Okay now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?
Plankton: (raises his hand) Do instruments of torture count?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: (raises his hand) Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. (Patrick puts his hand down, then raises his hand again) Horseradish is not an instrument either. (Patrick puts his hand down) That's fine, no one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you! (bursts out laughing, slapping his knee) All of you! (notices nobody is laughing) Ahem. Hmm.
Krabs: When do we get the free food?
Squidward: Okay, try to repeat after me. (plays six notes on his clarinet as part of a terrible-sounding scale) Brass section! Go! (some fish with brass instruments repeat his notes) Good! Now, the winds! (some fish with woodwind instruments repeat his notes) And the drums! (Spongebob and two other fish try to blow on the drumsticks to make noise. They fly out of their mouths and hit Squidward, two on his shirt and one under his arm, pinning him to the wall) Too bad that didn't kill me. (cuts to later) Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now, I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
Spongebob: Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No, Spongebob, that's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking? Oh, I wanna do some kicking! (kicks Sandy)
Sandy: Why you...Why, I oughta... (they burst into a white ball fighting, and go out the door. Patrick screams from off-screen)
Patrick: (pokes his head in through the door) Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on. (walks in, revealing that he has a trombone between his head and body. He makes music notes as he walks. When he sits down, he exhales, making a huge note. Cuts to a time change screen reading "Day Two")
Narrator: Day two.
(cuts to Squidward leading his band in a marching exercise)
Squidward: Okay, that's perfect, everybody! Bubble Bowl, here we come! Flag twirlers, really spin those things! (the twirlers spin a little faster.) Okay...turn! (everyone turns the corner) Flag twirlers, let's go, I wanna see some spinning! (they spin faster) Flag twirlers, let's move, c'mon, MOVE! (the flag twirlers spin so fast they fly off the ground with the flags as propellers and hit a blimp, which explodes. Someone plays "Taps"on a trumpet, and Squidward lies down on the road. Cuts to another time change screen reading "Day Three")
Narrator: Day three.
(cuts to Plankton on a chair. Squidward leans over)
Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton?
Plankton: It's tremendous! You wanna see? (he runs over to a harmonica, which is huge for him. He blows in one hole, then runs and blows into another. Then he runs and blows into three in a row. Finally, he runs, panting and sweating, to one last one, blows in it, and collapses. Cuts to a time change screen reading "Day Four")
Narrator: Day four.
(cuts to Squidward standing in front of everyone)
Squidward: Well, this is our last night together before the show, and I know that you haven't improved since we began... (shows Patrick chewing brainlessly on a trumpet) But I have a theory. People talk loud when they want to act smart, right?
Plankton: CORRECT! (very loudly)
Squidward: So, if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready? And a one! And a two! And a one-two-three-four... (people play and all the building windows shatter, and Squidward's body is deformed) Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
Fish: Well maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with big meaty claws!
Krabs: What did you say, punk?
Krabs: (moving claws like fists) Well, these claws ain't for just attracting mates!
Fish: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!
Spongebob: (going between them) No, people, let's be smart and bring it off.
Lady: Oh-ho, so now the talking cheese is gonna preach to us!
(everyone starts arguing angrily)
Squidward: Wait! Wait! I know tensions are high... (everyone bursts out fighting in a giant flurry. People slam drums and stuff at each other) There's a deposit on that equipment, people! (Krabs and the fish who insulted him charge at each other with wood instruments. They both screech to a halt too late and are clashed together with cymbals by Mrs. Puff.) Settle down! Please! (Sandy runs up to a fish who holds up a xylophone. Sandy takes two xylophone sticks, twirls them around, and plays away all the keys, then chases after the fish, sticks still twirling. People keep arguing and yelling and attacking each other, and Sandy holds up a trumpet to Patrick, who screams and runs away. The clock changes to 8:00)
Fish: Hey, class is over!
(everyone suddenly becomes friends again. As they head for the door, the doors are flung open by Squidward)
Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness...and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that too. (crying) Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all...died in a marching accident. So, thanks. Thanks for nothing! (walks off)
Patrick: (stupidly) You're welcome.
Spongebob: What kind of monsters are we? That poor creature came to us in his hour of need and we failed him! Squidward's always been there for us when it was convenient for him! Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire, who rescued him?
Evelyn: A...fireman?
Spongebob: And Larry, when your heart gave out from all those tanning pills, who revived you?
Larry: Some guy in an ambulance.
Spongebob: Right! So, if we all could just pretend that Squidward was a fireman or some guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure we could all pull together and discover what it truly be in a marching band!
Fish: Yeah, for the fireman! (everyone cheers, Spongebob goes to the conductor's podium)
Spongebob: Now let's make Squidward proud. A one! A two! A skiddly-diddly-doo!
(cuts to the next day)
Squidward: (walking over to the Bubble Bowl cave) I knew this was gonna happen. They're just gonna have to find another band to play. I just hope that... (sees Squilliam) SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT! SQUILLIAM!!! (screams) What are you doing here?
Squilliam: (laughs) I just wanted to watch you blow it. So...where's your band?
Squidward: (sweating) Uh, they couldn't come, they...died.
Squilliam: (pointing behind Squidward) Then who's that?
Squidward: (turns around and screams) THAT WOULD BE MY BAND! (Spongebob and all the other main characters are in marching band uniforms)
Spongebob: We're ready to perform, Squidward!
Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look!
(Spongebob dances around stupidly, wagging his tongue and punching his arms)
Squidward: That's his...eager face. (Squilliam laughs, and they all stand on a big platform) I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town.
Spongebob: That's the spirit, Squidward! (the platform is raised above ground and into a dome in the middle of 1970s/80s footage of a real-life football stadium)
Announcer: Okay football fans, put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom Super-Band!
(all the humans cheer)
Patrick: These are some ugly looking fish!
Spongebob: Maybe we're near one of those toxic waste dumps.
Krabs: I think I'm gonna be sick.
Squidward: Okay everybody, let's get this over with... (Squilliam laughs) one... two... (winces and looks away) three... four... (rows of trumpets play fanfare, we see Plankton starting to play a cool song on a tiny piano. The rows of trumpets split apart to reveal Spongebob holding a microphone)
Spongebob: The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill. The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. Don't ever look back on the wind closing in, the only attack were their wings on the wind. Oh, the daydream begins... And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And it's ours for the taking. It's ours for the fight. And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. And the world is ours to follow... (Squidward jumps and the show ends with him frozen in the air) Sweet, sweet, sweet victory... (fades out)